robot_parade

So, I've read a fair amount about self esteem and young girls, since we have a daughter, and I'm concerned about that sort of thing. I thought I was somewhat prepared for having to help her deal with those sorts of problems as she grew up. Well, the time might be here already. She's come to us very upset on a few occasions in the last few months, in tears, because, as she says, she 'doesn't like the way she looks'. She doesn't like the shape of her face, or her complexion. She wants to look 'different from the way she looks'. This is the sort of thing I expected...the problem is, she just turned six! All of the stuff I've found online about girl's self-esteem talks about pre-teen girls - in the 10-11 range. I haven't found anything about girls this young.

She doesn't get a whole lot of exposure to 'popular culture' - we don't watch much TV, mostly movies (and a lot of those happen to have strong female role-models - we have most of Miyazaki's kid movies). We homeschool, so she doesn't get stuff from school. She doesn't get exposed to any of the teen magazines, music videos, ads on TV, etc. She has a fair number of friends about her age.

I've tried talking to her, and encouraging her. This didn't seem to have much effect. I told her that *I* thought she was beautiful, to which she responded: "It's not about what you think, it's about what *I* think." (Exactly right and logical - did I mention she's a very precocious 6 year old? ;-))

So, I'm not sure what to do, or even how much I should worry about this, so I'd appreciate other thoughts and opinions. She doesn't talk about it all the time, and is mostly very happy and well-adjusted, but she has mentioned it several times now over the course of a few months. My wife doesn't seem too concerned about it, but I worry...

ametc

It's not just girls. My to be six year old nephew was punching himself in the face because he hated his brown skin. I was totally shocked and I honestly don't understand where he got this idea that his brown skin was ugly.

He watches Nickelodeon a lot and play lots if video games and watches kid-friendly channels on Youtube.. and I've tried to figure out where this hatred of himself comes from.. but I haven't found a thing. He doesn't have any friends in the summer (they live far away).. so the only thing I could think of is school. Perhaps he heard something at school.


The same could be true of your daughter. she could be hearing things from kids from school. Or even being teased by her friends or other kids.

Give her a hobby or something to take her mind off it. See if that works. when I was younger, I had similar self esteem issues, and I still have them to this day. She may actually have depression, too.

Be sure to keep an eye on her body.. make sure she's not starving herself, purging food, or hurting herself. As young as she is, she could still pick up these habits.

cellophanedeity

While I don't have kids, I know what makes me feel better when I'm worrying about the way I look. I've been a bit self conscious since I was in elementary school, and I think the age keeps getting younger and younger.

Young girls really care what their parents think, but they don't want to hear it directly. Telling her that she's beautiful is good, but sometimes it's nice to be sly about the compliments and self esteem boosts.
Compliment a certain feature that you think is cute. Even if she gets frustrated with you for it, just let her know. A friend once told me he loves my (total ski-slope) nose and that it reminds him of pixies, and I've felt better about it ever since. Since she's worried about her complexion, perhaps mentioning something about it on a good day will help. "You have beautiful skin! Look at how pretty you glow!" or something like that. Address the issues she's presented on days when she's not feeling negative, and don't mention her negative feelings. Just keep the positive flowing,

If she's put together an outfit, compliment her on it. Showing approval of what she's wearing, and telling her she's pretty will help when she's not coming to you distressed. Don't let her dress like a tramp or anything, but even if it's a style you're not into, tell her she's funky or whatever will please her. Clothes are very important to girls, even when they're little.

While you think that she isn't exposed to teen magazines and the like, she probably sees them when she's with her friends. If you watch a movie together, maybe you could say things like "she'd be prettier if she weren't so skinny. Women don't need to be stick thin to be beautiful." Or something along those lines.

Good luck with her. Monitor her moods and health, and just make sure she knows that her mommy and daddy think she's beautiful and wonderful and good.

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highthief

It may just be a phase. As the father of a young girl, I see her go through phases that make you worry at first but after a while she forgets all about it.

Of course, it's right to be concerned, but give it a couple more weeks without paying a lot of attention to it and see where it goes before sending her to a shrink.

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mixedmedia

My daughter is 10 now and she has been critical of her looks since about 6 or 7 years of age. I know for certain it comes from conversations with her friends about what is attractive in a female. My daughter has come home from school saying that she has been told that her thighs are fat, that she needs to shave her legs, that she needs to wear make-up, etc. She does watch the television sitcoms on Nick and Disney and she has a subscription to Tiger Beat magazine, but frankly, I'm not convinced that depriving her of these things will make any great difference because the images are so pervasive and the mandates to conform to them as ideals are coming from other children. What I do for my daughter is to point out where there are lies in the projection of these images. I take photos of her often and show her how beautiful she is. Like cellophanedeity said, I allow her to choose her own clothing (for the most part) so that she feels like she has control of her own image. And, of course, I compliment her on all of her qualities that have nothing to do with her looks - her talents and abilities. I think this is just a consequence of the day and age that we live in but it can be counteracted by parents who are aware and not wrapped up in the illusions themselves - which is, sadly, kind of common.

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wooÐs

LOL! I had no idea this was still out! It was a staple in my bedroom when I was kid!

This is sad to hear about your daughter. She's way too young to have feelings like this imo. I guess it's just a sign of the times. I won't blame it totally on this, but I don't really agree with homeschooling or lack of tv. It shelters kids too much I think. But like I said, I'm not sure if this is influencing her or not.

I hope things get better.

clavus

Just a thought. Don't know if this will help. Assemble photos of supermodels / fashionable actresses. 9 out of ten of those women are unusual looking and don't conform to traditional ideals of beauty. Tyra Banks and her huge forehead, Renee Zelwiger and her squint, Lily Cole and her X-Files Alien face, etc.

Point out to your daughter how different these women look from the average Sears Catalog model and how different they look from one another.

Talk to her about Kate Moss - how when she was in school everyone made fun of her because she was so skinny. Ms. Moss trind to gain weight and hated her small chest (or so the story goes). Then, she became a supermodel BECAUSE she looked a bit different.

Point out other women that are considered beautiful but break the mold - Gina Carano and Danica Patrick, etc.

Maybe the message will seep in that everyone looks different. Maybe if she sees herself as so different, she will start to look at it as an asset, not a liability.

Best of luck.

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wooÐs

Tyra Banks is also huge. Not like the cutesy petite dainty bitches I despise so much lol (I'm 5'10" and have been 5'10" since about 10 years old.) She's also against the whole 'try to look like a VS model' thing. She embraces loving what you look like and who you are. I'm not necessarily a show watcher of hers, but when I do catch it, I enjoy it.
And avoid showing her those videos of Kate strung out on coke lol.

allaboutmusic

I'm interested in following the progress of this thread. I teach at a girls' secondary school and from next year will be taking a Year 7 form as well (11 years old). There's obviously a lot going on at that age, but it's interesting to hear about how early this might start. If you come across any interesting books on this, do let us know as I'd be interested in buying them and reading them - in the past week I have read a few books on eating disorders, depression and chronic worrying in teenagers and am always looking to expand my knowledge in this area.

jewels

Be persistent and consistent in everything you do. This too.

She hasn't been exposed to much until now so it may be a little shocking and scary for you, but your wife knows what all females know -- this is something we deal with every day of our lives (media images, what's acceptable) until we become comfortable in our own skin.

You're doing the right thing. Encouragement and support is the best you can offer and the message will eventually get through. The rest will be up to her.

The strongest of my girls is my 17-year old. She probably wouldn't be chosen as the most stunning young lady in a room of 30, but she truly knows that she's beautiful and wouldn't change a thing about herself. My oldest and my youngest aren't quite that confident. Go figure. *shrug*

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robot_parade

Thanks for all the replies. For the record, her weight isn't a problem for her - she's tall and skinny. I'll continue to monitor the situation, and maybe talk to her about body image issues when the opportunity strikes.

wooDs: Interesting perspective. I agree that socialization is important. We go out of our way to make sure the kids have friends, and interact with other kids.

Skitto

All I know I know from a reading I did in a writing class on culture, and it's that pop culture is everywhere, eliminating the sources just can't substitute for building a thick Skin before and after school.

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Yeah, well, you're just that awesome, I guess. It's not like I guessed so anyways.

ametc

I went to an afterschool girls' club, and that helped me out a lot with my self esteem and girl issues when I was younger. I forgot all about them until now since I only went for about a year. Try sending her to a girls' club or group. She may enjoy herself and learn to respect herself more.

Xerxys

NO, seriously, Tyra is HUGE!! She is 6 feet worth of glorious booty that her only imperfection is that she can speak.

The gods can be really cruel!!

Redlemon

I've always liked the Dove Evolution advertisement:

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