Anonymous Member

I thought of posting this as a blog entry for awhile, but since there is a question attached to this thread, i'm posting this in Tilted Life. After reading this thread, I'm also posting this Anonymously. I do post here regularly, but I am not yet comfortable with posting under my username.

This is will be a long post, I apologize in advance. I have to lay down some background and get this off my chest. Skip to the bold QUESTION part if you want to skip my life story, so to speak.

Here some facts about myself to start this off with (forgive me if I ramble, I'll try to make it as clear and cut as can be):

• I have a full time job that does not have benefits, there for I have no Medical Insurance.

• I have been in therapy for most of my life, since the age of 5 to my current age (upper 20's).

• I make less than 20k a year before taxes (this will come into play later about Government Assisted Health Care).

Here is the situation. I am depressed, not in the Oh-my-poor-life kind of depressed, but the I think about putting a gun in my mouth and blowing my brains out on a regular basis kind of depressed. I'd say I've been fighting depression on and off for about 4-5 years now. It's hit me real hard the last year and a half with my suicidal thoughts getting worse by the day. I have 3-10 separate panic attacks daily, some days worse than others. My panic attacks are mostly mild (heart races, my mind goes into hyperdrive, slight light-headness) but can be extreme (physically shaking, heart is beating a mile a minute, nausea, yelling obscenities/"I should die", punching/kicking things without thinking about it). To my best knowledge I think that the panic attacks began about... 3 years ago, but I'm not entirely sure about that one. I usually can keep them under control and internal, where as people around me can't tell I'm having one. My good friends can tell when it's really bad, as they will catch me shaking for a second (arms or hands). I'm really good at putting a "happy" face on. The extreme ones usually only happen when I'm alone, but I did have one a few days ago in front of a few people where I said "FUCK ME" quite audibly. I played it off like I was cussing the girl (who was my good friend) next to me and don't think they noticed anything else.

When I wake up in the morning, usually my first thought is "I should kill myself" and the day goes downhill from there. I look at myself in the mirror and say out loud "You are the ugliest piece of shit on this planet" then continue doing what I was doing. This continues until I fall asleep in my bed exhausted from worrying myself sick during the day and evening. My panic attack triggers are sometimes things that happened 6 years ago about people I don't talk to anymore.

Two nights ago I came home from trivia night at the local bar and sat down in front of my closet thinking about the ways I could kill myself. I was not drunk as I only had one beer while I was there. I realized sitting there that I needed help. Professional assistance to help me live a normal and happy life.

This should not be happening, I should not hate myself this much. I have a good(ish) life. I have friends and some really good friends that would help me in any way they can. I live on my own, pay my own bills, own my own car. I have a decent job and a college degree. I am less than $1000 in debt (credit card). I have skills and talents that other people don't have. I am not ugly by any standards. My family is great, I see them often and love them to death. I did not have a bad childhood, I had a great one, I had everything I needed. I've never been abused sexually or otherwise.

It could be a chemical imbalance or something mental buried deep inside of me, I have no idea. I want to go back to therapy, but I can not afford it. When I went over 7 years ago, it was $65 a session with insurance. I have none and the only places around here that will give me insurance quoted me $200 a month if I quit smoking (I did). I live paycheck to paycheck, with no chance of a raise or benefits.

I need to end this cycle of hate and depression if I want to move on with my life. I know deep down I don't want to kill myself, but sometimes I catch myself doing things that scare me (playing with knife to long, looking over cliffs and thinking about jumping).

Question: How can I get help without insurance? If I can't do that off government aid, what are ways that people who live with anxiety deal with it. Sheer force of will doesn't work for me anymore and drinking has stopped working too. I never had panic attacks while drinking, but I was tanked a week ago and had a major one. I did use drinking as crutch for awhile, but like I said it stopped working. There are alot of smart people who post on here and people who work in government/medical industries.

I need help and have no idea where to go.

Giant Hamburger

Cynthetiq

Find a Therapist, Psychologist, Counselor - Psychology Today

find one in your area that accepts sliding scale. If they cannot help you directly ask how they can put you in contact with an organization that does referrals for therapists who accept sliding scale payments. I was once able to get my sliding scale as low as $5/session cheaper than any copay I have ever had.

As far as the descriptions you make about being depressed and wanting to toss yourself over a cliff and thinking you are the biggest piece of shit in the center of the universe, well maybe you should give up drinking since it isn't working anyways. I didn't realize just how bad my drinking made think those same kinds of thoughts even though I was a generally happy person for the same marked reasons you stated.

I still wonder if it is chemical imbalance from time to time, but I figure the years of drug use and drinking need to get out of my system before I jump onto anything else. Therapy has been a wonderful thing since it's something that I work at hard in trying to understand just how and why I feel the ways I do.

good luck.

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StellaLuna

Are you in the States? County and state mental health programs will often help, regardless of if you qualify for subsidized insurance. Call the above-posted hotline, and ask them to check too... they'll probably know better than we will based on your location.

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Screw tradition!

noodle

call your community mental health center and inquire about sliding scale/income based fees. Majority have them.

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Tully Mars

Ditto.

You know realizing you need help is good. Seek it out, you'll find it.

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I used to drink to drown my sorrows, but the damned things have learned how to swim- Frida Kahlo

Vice President Starkizzer Fan Club

MSD

The fact that you're asking for help rather than killing yourself is an important thing. I don't have any treatment advice beyond what's already been posted, but in bad times, cling to that thought: you want to get better.

Anonymous Member

OP Here:

I thank you for all the information you have given me, I'm currently in the process of trying to find a good councilor in my area that accepts the Sliding Scale payments Cynthetiq talked about. I never knew about that, which is why I asked. Hopefully I'll hear back from the offices I contacted about this.

I know I need help, which is why I asked on here and I got some answers that might lead me to that big answer. The one that will help me on the path of recovery.

Thanks to everyone that posted on this thread. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

Aladdin Sane

Hang on, Friend. Everything will look sooo different in two weeks.

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Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

Daniel_

This may sound crass, but moving to Britain would work - the NHS helped me with similar issues when my marriage ended and didn't charge a penny.

Also, living without easy access to firearms has demonstrable improvements in the suicide rate.

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Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
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