Find a Therapist, Psychologist, Counselor - Psychology Today
find one in your area that accepts sliding scale. If they cannot help you directly ask how they can put you in contact with an organization that does referrals for therapists who accept sliding scale payments. I was once able to get my sliding scale as low as $5/session cheaper than any copay I have ever had.
As far as the descriptions you make about being depressed and wanting to toss yourself over a cliff and thinking you are the biggest piece of shit in the center of the universe, well maybe you should give up drinking since it isn't working anyways. I didn't realize just how bad my drinking made think those same kinds of thoughts even though I was a generally happy person for the same marked reasons you stated.
I still wonder if it is chemical imbalance from time to time, but I figure the years of drug use and drinking need to get out of my system before I jump onto anything else. Therapy has been a wonderful thing since it's something that I work at hard in trying to understand just how and why I feel the ways I do.
good luck.
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