noodle

Loss is a huge part of my job and spills over into my life on a daily basis.
My friends all know that I'm a information source, a set of ears, an unbiased mind and heart when it comes to dealing with grief and loss.
There's been a lot of it lately... in the news, in others' lives, in my life.
There are so many pending losses, unresolved grief, so much uncertainty.
I've been spending a lot of time recently trying to remind myself the lessons that I've been taught by kids, families, friends, and a lot of coworkers. And I found it only right to share some of this with others as I read about people's updates, talk on the phone, and watch the news.

~ Not every thing works for every person. Grief is as individual as people are.

~ Sometimes you just have to say "fuck." And other people have to let you.

~ Laughing is imperative. You really can laugh through tears and cry through a belly laugh.

~ Your motivational story may not make someone else feel better. Sometimes you have to suck it up and shut up.

~ Unsoliticited advice is not always welcome. If you choose to offer it, you have to accept that someone else may not appreciate it.

~ Talk to people about what they want before they go.

~ But, don't expect everyone to want to talk to you.

~ If you ask someone how they are and they cry, don't feel bad. It just happens.

~ Not everyone wants to be touched, or hugged, or patted on the head. Grieving people often have a high level of sensitivity to their environment or heightened senses. Respect that.

~ Someone else's grief is not about you. Deal with it.

~ You don't have to get up every single day. Every once in awhile, you have have a "mental health day".

~ Screaming helps. Punching helps. Just not a parent or sibling. Or someone that can get you arrested.

~ Don't have regrets. You either said it or you didn't. Balloons can carry notes "up" but you are in control of what you do before someone or something isn't available to you any more.

~Grief isn't just emotional. Loss can manifest physically. People cry, scream, vomit, stop eating, eat too much, withdraw physically, become too touchy-feely, sleep too much or to little. It's a visceral process for many people. And often, the physical symptoms are incongruent with the emotion.

~ Try not to be afraid of another person's grief. It's sloppy, messy, angry, sad, happy, frustrating... everything wrapped into one. But their grief belongs to them, is part of them and therefore is never wrong.

~ There is no right or wrong way to deal with loss. Unless you're really hurting yourself or other people. But emotionally, there is very little you can do "wrong"... just differently.

~ There's no time frame either. Parents don't always get hit by the death of a child for more than a year. Other things hit you at other times.

~Grief can be a magnifier. Take the loss of a job... a stubbed toe, a broken television, or a burned dinner can feel like the end of the world to someone that is grieving a loss. Someone on the "outside" can't feel that effect much of the time. To them, it sucks that the toe got stubbed, a new TV has to be bought or takeout has to be picked up. The grieving person may find his or herself crawling into bed, sobbing, or punching walls.

~ There will always be an anniversary, a trigger, something that makes you remember the loss and often re-experience the grief or the emotions that come along with loss. And on some days, it feels as real as the day it happened. Even 20 years later.

~ Sometimes you don't have to say anything at all. Being present is enough.

~ Loss can be anything. A job, a pet, a move, a lover, a friend, parent, coworker, a situation, a choice that didn't turn out the way you wanted it to or a choice that was taken away. It may be something that happened that now means something else won't ever happen, a item that can't be found, a missed opportunity, a home, a natural disaster... it's all a form of loss.

~ Grief is not always pretty.

~ Nor is it always ugly or something to be feared.

~Grief is a natural response to loss. No one will do it exactly the way you do it. You don't have the right to judge how someone is expressing or not expressing his or her reaction to a loss no matter how significant or insignificant you think that loss should be.
You don't get to help all the time and you just plain WON'T be helpful sometimes.
You can't "fix" grief. It's not a symptom of being broken.
It's a "symptom" of being human.



"Sometimes you just have to pull pranks, to forget that you're sick, to step outside yourself for a little while just to stay sane. And that's okay. You can even tell the world to fuck off. You just gotta be ready for the person who wants to give you a hug at some point. 'Cause it's going to happen. Someone loves you."



Just food for thought, hot chocolate for hurting hearts, a hug for those dealing with loss. Because there are a hell of a lot of us these days.

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Plan9

People are social creatures, our lives involve other people.

Yet somehow these are things we each navigate through alone.

You can write it down, explain it, show pictures...

There is no loss like your own.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

DaniGirl

I have never dealt with loss very well. I lost my best friend when I was 12. It took me a long time to get over it, well not get over it get threw it. My dad has recently lost two of his uncles and his other uncle has end stage liver cancer and only has 6 months left if that. My dad is really taking it hard. My dad has always had a problem with drugs and alcohol and he is starting to get worse. He is in the LDS church for over 8 years now and has stopped everything all at once. Now he is in it again and I have no idea what to do, how to help or even what to say.

squeeeb

people started dieing around me when i was young, first grandpa, then dad, then some others, then in highschool two friends, then later mom and a few various friends and co-workers and other family and such. i got used to it pretty quick, and i now seem cold hearted to others. i don't care too much when people die, its a fact of life and we all are gonna do it. just another thing alienating me from the rest of normal society.

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onward to mayhem!

fresnelly

Daily chores (dishes, laundry, walking the dog...) tend to fall behind and mount up and facing that pile of dishes or dirty clothes becomes a barrier to recovery. Helping someone get this shit done or letting someone help you can do wonders.

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Building an artificial intelligence that appreciates Mozart is easy. Building an A.I. that appreciates a theme restaurant is the real challenge - Kit Roebuck - Nine Planets Without Intelligent Life

Allyallyally

Wonderful words and advice. Thank you for sharing them.

---------- Post added at 12:14 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:10 PM ----------

It's interesting you say that, because I've found that no matter how many losses I experience, I never quite get used to it. Every single one hurts as much as the first.

I think you get used to dealing with the pain, but you never get used to the pain, itself. Hits me hard every time.

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ryfo

This really hit home, I lost my dad 2 weeks ago. My mum was a complete basket case and I had to fly up and deal with all the formalities. Only thing is I suffer anxiety and depression so i was very confused about how i would handle all this while i was there my mum had a heart attack and was rushed to a regional hospital and there i was left with no transport, a mum in hospital and a funeral to organise. I have siblings but they couldnt get there for various reasons i coped, but i havent really grieved yet. I am a bit worried because i am sad but everything just seems so normal now that i am back home. I guess living so far away, i didnt see them often, but i wonder why the dishes and the washing seem to worry me more than the passing of my father dont get me wrong i love my dad and my mum (who is ok now) but i thought i would completely fall apart for ages and wind up on meds and be good for nothing One thing i am finding hard is handling people expressing their sympathy, i feel i should make them feel better and its my fault their sad. Sorry about the rant but i havent really talked to anyone about how i FEEL and its helping me sort my thoughts and emotions Thanx for reading.

Jozrael

Thanks noodle. I'll try to armor myself in these.

Redlemon

My wife just lost her grandmother. I'll be saving this post as a reference, thank you Noodle.

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