noodle

Loss is a huge part of my job and spills over into my life on a daily basis.
My friends all know that I'm a information source, a set of ears, an unbiased mind and heart when it comes to dealing with grief and loss.
There's been a lot of it lately... in the news, in others' lives, in my life.
There are so many pending losses, unresolved grief, so much uncertainty.
I've been spending a lot of time recently trying to remind myself the lessons that I've been taught by kids, families, friends, and a lot of coworkers. And I found it only right to share some of this with others as I read about people's updates, talk on the phone, and watch the news.

~ Not every thing works for every person. Grief is as individual as people are.

~ Sometimes you just have to say "fuck." And other people have to let you.

~ Laughing is imperative. You really can laugh through tears and cry through a belly laugh.

~ Your motivational story may not make someone else feel better. Sometimes you have to suck it up and shut up.

~ Unsoliticited advice is not always welcome. If you choose to offer it, you have to accept that someone else may not appreciate it.

~ Talk to people about what they want before they go.

~ But, don't expect everyone to want to talk to you.

~ If you ask someone how they are and they cry, don't feel bad. It just happens.

~ Not everyone wants to be touched, or hugged, or patted on the head. Grieving people often have a high level of sensitivity to their environment or heightened senses. Respect that.

~ Someone else's grief is not about you. Deal with it.

~ You don't have to get up every single day. Every once in awhile, you have have a "mental health day".

~ Screaming helps. Punching helps. Just not a parent or sibling. Or someone that can get you arrested.

~ Don't have regrets. You either said it or you didn't. Balloons can carry notes "up" but you are in control of what you do before someone or something isn't available to you any more.

~Grief isn't just emotional. Loss can manifest physically. People cry, scream, vomit, stop eating, eat too much, withdraw physically, become too touchy-feely, sleep too much or to little. It's a visceral process for many people. And often, the physical symptoms are incongruent with the emotion.

~ Try not to be afraid of another person's grief. It's sloppy, messy, angry, sad, happy, frustrating... everything wrapped into one. But their grief belongs to them, is part of them and therefore is never wrong.

~ There is no right or wrong way to deal with loss. Unless you're really hurting yourself or other people. But emotionally, there is very little you can do "wrong"... just differently.

~ There's no time frame either. Parents don't always get hit by the death of a child for more than a year. Other things hit you at other times.

~Grief can be a magnifier. Take the loss of a job... a stubbed toe, a broken television, or a burned dinner can feel like the end of the world to someone that is grieving a loss. Someone on the "outside" can't feel that effect much of the time. To them, it sucks that the toe got stubbed, a new TV has to be bought or takeout has to be picked up. The grieving person may find his or herself crawling into bed, sobbing, or punching walls.

~ There will always be an anniversary, a trigger, something that makes you remember the loss and often re-experience the grief or the emotions that come along with loss. And on some days, it feels as real as the day it happened. Even 20 years later.

~ Sometimes you don't have to say anything at all. Being present is enough.

~ Loss can be anything. A job, a pet, a move, a lover, a friend, parent, coworker, a situation, a choice that didn't turn out the way you wanted it to or a choice that was taken away. It may be something that happened that now means something else won't ever happen, a item that can't be found, a missed opportunity, a home, a natural disaster... it's all a form of loss.

~ Grief is not always pretty.

~ Nor is it always ugly or something to be feared.

~Grief is a natural response to loss. No one will do it exactly the way you do it. You don't have the right to judge how someone is expressing or not expressing his or her reaction to a loss no matter how significant or insignificant you think that loss should be.
You don't get to help all the time and you just plain WON'T be helpful sometimes.
You can't "fix" grief. It's not a symptom of being broken.
It's a "symptom" of being human.



"Sometimes you just have to pull pranks, to forget that you're sick, to step outside yourself for a little while just to stay sane. And that's okay. You can even tell the world to fuck off. You just gotta be ready for the person who wants to give you a hug at some point. 'Cause it's going to happen. Someone loves you."



Just food for thought, hot chocolate for hurting hearts, a hug for those dealing with loss. Because there are a hell of a lot of us these days.

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