shesus

Communication is 'the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.'

Whenever people are having problems, suggestions typically involve communicating openly with one another. However, what if the problem is communication?

As I've been working through issues, I have become aware of my poor communication skills. I grew up in a family that never listens to anyone because they are trying to get their point across and will shout over anyone to say it. I have been away from them for several years now and have worked on being a better communicator. When visiting, I now just listen to them because it's less exhausting than playing the one-up game.

What I find even more frustrating is when people are indirect. If people would be succinct and say what they mean, communication would be easier.

A friend asked me where I wanted to eat and I suggested an Italian restaurant. Afterwards, she seemed upset so I asked her what was up. She said that she really wanted me to try the hamburgers at a new restaurant. I told her that if that's what she wanted she should have been direct and said, "Hey, a new restaurant opened and they have the best hamburgers, let's go." Instead she dropped small hints and then became upset when I didn't read her mind.

I spent many years being indirect. I missed out on many things that I wanted to do and let many people make decisions for me. I also frustrated the hell out of JJ because he had to keep asking for clarification and I would just repeat myself.

Communication is something that always has room for improvement.

Do you practice on your communication skills? If so, how?

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Xerxys

I practice on TFP and I don't think I'm getting anywhere. Lately I've taken to writing more and more just so I can sharpen my "getting message across" skillz. I don't have a problem saying what I want like your friend with the italian restaurant. That's all easy for me. The thing is ... selling myself.

Convincing someone that I'm making a correct well thought out decision is beyond me. When I try to get a positive response from my co-workers it takes a while for my message to sink in. This is hard because I'm trying to learn how to properly work with people and be someone who educates, directs and supervises.

I'm eager to see many responses in this thread, Thanks shesus.

Grasshopper Green

I'm not a great communicator. I don't really know if it stems from childhood or not - my dad and mom communicated via my mom screaming at my dad and my dad not saying anything. Since their split, my dad still does not effectively communicate his feelings (although he has gotten better) and now my mom never shuts up and it's hard to have a two way conversation with her. I have difficulty conveying the thoughts in my head accurately - both verbally and through the written word.

My husband was raised with a screaming mother as well. His sister is the exact same way now, but he isn't. He is actually pretty good at communication and this has helped me improve my skills (or lack thereof). Essentially, he makes me communicate with him, which I just didn't do growing up. I definitely have room for improvement, though.

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JumpinJesus

I do find communicating with someone who refuses to be direct very tiresome. I can handle someone who rambles or even someone who omits information. I have low tolerance for those who are excessively passive and become agitated when you ask them for clarification. I tend to see a lot of people here who are unable to effectively communicate who throw what I can only describe as tantrums as they threaten to leave conversations only to continually return. What's wrong with being a little direct?


My problem is I tend to ramble. I'm working on that, with shesus' help.

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mixedmedia

I have always needed to work on my patience with people - both as a speaker and a listener. I'm better than I used to be, but still have plenty of room for improvement.

As far as indirect communication, there are many, many ways of communicating indirectly, some of them I am okay with - others not so much. Some people speak in very literal terms and others are more illustrative. I don't have a problem with either of these sorts of people are long as they are being honest. The sort of indirect communication I do have a problem with is passive-aggressive and/or manipulative communication. It's dishonest and very annoying.

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PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

roachboy

i apparently think and talk in a kinda abstract way. i don't see this as a problem, but it seems that others sometimes do. i'm ususally pretty precise, even though it can sometimes take a while to get to it, particularly if i'm thinking something out as i'm talking.
some folk seem to find this a burden, like there's some malice behind making demands on their attention.
i can usually get away with it in 3-d because i'm an affable sort.
but not all situations allow for that--here for example. this is why i make a hard distinction between roachboy and me.


there are things about this thread that confuse me.
like when you would pretend that directness is some kind of imperative, i don't know what you're saying really.
not everything is simple: not everything is obvious. it's often the case that being "direct"means trafficking in cliches the only function of which really is to exempt the person you're talking to from having to work too hard. as if there's an advantage to be gained from that.
i figure life's too short to bother with that.

this is different from being emotionally open, btw: its more about the way openness is expressed. there's no necessary connection between using short pithy phrases and being open. the connection seems to me an illusion...except insofar as you may find yourself talking with a particular person who demand this of you, for whatever reason. so when i do it, i'm generally just being nice. but chances are these people will never get to know me. it's just like that---you impose a little screen, you see little programming.

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it make you sick.

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snowy

I can be a very good communicator in some situations, and abysmal in others. In my worklife, I am good at getting my point across. I'm good at having productive conversations with other people without getting irritated or them getting irritated at me. However, my private life seems to be a bit different.

We've been working a lot on "tone" this year, my SO and I. I find we're much more willing to listen to one another and have a good discussion together if we keep our tone in mind. Communication is something we always try to work on together. We're not the best communicators, but we're certainly willing to put in the work to improve. I think that makes a big difference.

I think self-reflection on one's communicative style is pretty key to understanding how to be a better communicator. Great thread, shesus, and thanks for giving us the opportunity to think about this.

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shesus

This type of communication is very annoying because you can assume what the person wants, but assumptions can also be wrong, which is why being direct and saying what one means is so important.

Example A: A conversation between 2 friends where one of them wants to get together. She says: "Such and such a movie is playing, I'd like to see it, I wonder if anyone else does..." and "Bah, I don't have any plans this weekend, I just don't know what to do." Now, is it up to the other friend to offer to go to the movie with her and play her manipulative communication game? Some people do, but others don't want to be involved in that. If she'd just come out and say, "I want to see this movie, do you want to go with me this weekend to see it?" the conversation would go quicker and there would be no questioning what is wanted. I believe many people communicate this way because they are fearful of rejection.

Example B: A passive-aggressive exchange between people living together. "The dishes sure are piling up. I sure hate that. It seems like I spend all my free time washing dishes. I also have to clean and the laundry is piling up. *sigh*" Does this person want help? The assumption would be yes. However, it would much easier just to say, "There are a lot of things to get done. Would you mind doing the laundry while I clean up around here?" Maybe this form of passive discussion is used because the person doesn't want to appear to be bossy.

In those situations, is the person on the receiving end of the initial communication lazy or unintelligent for choosing not to make assumptions about what the other means? In my opinion, no. Some people expect a person to say what they mean and don't believe in pondering the hidden meanings behind every word a person says.

As a side note: There is a great site that has activities on it one can do to become more assertive. I can't remember the linky right now, but it has been helpful to me.

---------- Post added at 04:51 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:46 PM ----------

Tone is something I've had to work on also. JJ often comments that I seem mocking when we are having disagreements. It has been something that I have to watch because it is a defense mechanism I use. Personally, I hate a condescending tone. I'm getting better at not letting it bug me, but being talked down to is something I do not appreciate. Luckily, I don't encounter that much now that I am out of the classroom. Parents are the worst in my experiences. There is no reason to speak to a teacher in that kind of tone.

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mixedmedia

whew, I'm so glad you came here and wrote this.

I have spent most of my life moderating the words I choose to fit any given situation in an attempt to be palatable, often when my own natural way of expression is bursting to get out. There are some venues in which I refuse to moderate. Besides, the vast majority of people are able to understand even when they take exception to the style or choice of words. Communication is more than just a tool.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

JumpinJesus

Communication isn't about work. It's about trading ideas, expressing emotions, needs, wants, whatever. I'm not sure where anyone stated that directness is an imperative anymore than you stated that speaking in the abstract is imperative. We're expressing our preferred method of communication. Mine is by stating succinctly what one's needs are.

This stems more from years spent playing a particular career game with people where directness was feared as it might upset people. While I played that game that people needed to be protected from certain truths, I never really agreed with it. I became curious to know what would happen if I stopped playing that game. It's nothing really special, it's just a choice I made in my life.

Everyone has their own desired method of communication, but if people who are communicating can't agree on the rules of that communication, then it's ineffective. Two people can speak the same language but never understand a word the other is saying. Sometimes I decide to engage in that communication, just to see what happens, sometimes I don't.

All I know is that for me, I prefer it when a person comes out and says directly what they want, instead of using language to get me to guess. Again, nothing special, nothing superior, nothing inferior.

I don't demand anyone adjust to my method of communication, but I do get to decide if I engage in communication with that person. But I'm not special, so does everyone else.

However, going off of what I mentioned earlier, I do find it curious when a person does demand that the receiver adapt to the sender's preferred style and instead of declining to engage any further, becomes upset and attempts to control the situation. I wonder what it is about that person that makes them feel so out of control of a situation that no one is trying to control but them. I can't help it. It's a quirk of mine. Well, that's not true, I can help it. I just don't want to. Some day that might change.

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roachboy

well, i got the idea that pithy little sentences were confused with directness were confused with openness by reading the thread.
and there typically is a demand that others adapt to one's communication aesthetic---you for example, make such demands alot, particularly when you get around to characterizing modes of expression that for whatever reason you don't particularly like. the question is not that such demands are floated: the question is whether the person that you make the demand of decides that it's worth taking up and whether, once it's taken up, they take it as binding. because in the end, you're right that the choices really come down to the interlocutor---a speaker can make all the demands he or she wants, but cant for all that impose on another a desire to take those demands seriously.

some of my attitude comes out of my version of the same thing as yours, except in my experience the demand was usually to "tell a nice straight story" because as a historian there's some imperative that the äverage joe"find what you're doing to be accessible. now i have no problem with being accessible really, but the place where i decided not to play along was with the rest of it--simply because i think it boxes you into a one-dimensional relation to the world. in the end, i don't think this was a result of any particular heroism on my part either, no Preservation of Authenticity--i just thought the demand was stupid and unnecessary and so decided it wasn't worth bothering with.

what's funny about this is that the demand came from a sense of being-threatened that didn't even originate with me, but rather with people i was associated with. so typically, the folk who would say this stuff had already said o you're a student of x, right? and from that point they weren't talking to or about me anyway.

it's like that with such things: it's so easy to substitute a cartoon and talk to or about that.

i'm not sure i understand the situation you say you're confused about jj: could you explain it more?

__________________
a gramophone its corrugated trumpet silver handle
spinning dog. such faithfulness it hear

it make you sick.

-kamau brathwaite

Cynthetiq

shesus, thank god women confuse even other women.

I try to be very direct in stating what the expectation is, the end result is very satisfactory.

When I'm not direct, I get mixed results.

I've explained to Skogafoss that it is important that she be direct in telling me what she wants. Beating around the bush makes it harder to understand.

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