Plan9

I figured I'd post this here because my own weirdness is starting to bother me... and that takes a lot.

Since I've been back from Afghanistan ('06) I often experience a real sense of uneasiness when I'm walking or sitting around and don't have something pressing against my torso.

I miss the body armor. I got used to it. The weight, the rigidity, the silly sense of security you get from the military's mandatory IBA carapace after years of wear.

I'm like a hermit crab without a shell here.

I sit firmly against whatever desk I'm at whether in class or at home. My car seat belt is always cinched down tight. I find myself with my palm pressed against my stomach a lot. I feel like my insides are gonna fall out. I feel exposed, vulnerable. Often I can't sleep at night without ramming a pillow against my guts.

What's wrong with me and what should I do?

...

It's bad. I'm staring at the listings on BulletproofMe.com like a little kid looking for his security blanket.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

kramus

Hie thee to a psychiatrist. Just because you have some surface intellectual understanding of the whichness of what, that doesn't mean that "therapy" (yes Crompsin, the "T" word) would not be efficacious. You need to get guidance in steering you away from this physical emptiness that irks you.

Any placebo (such as buying armour to wear around the house, or even a girdle/bro combo to give you that held-close feeling) will do nothing but accentuate the fact that there are issues that need to be resolved. That and the fact that your body will adapt to being clasped and may even weaken because it is used to the support.

Mind and body weakening is not where you want to be going.

my .02

__________________
And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ...
I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

Willravel

You should get a koala. It can hang on your chest, and women love fuzzy animals. Tow birds with one stone.


But yeah, see a psychologist (psychologist first, then psychiatrist if necessary). I can recommend some names if you want.

Plan9

Will, I live on the opposite side of the country.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

ItWasMe

When hubby was coming home from Afghanistan a year ago, I spoke to veterans, including YOU, to find out what to expect. I took a VA-sponsored class on PTSD so I could understand some of this and help him if I could.

One of the things we learned is that there are many things/habits that kept you alive over there. Hyper-awareness of people around you, never putting your back to a door, ducking at certain noises (that over here turn out to be a car backfiring, etc), sleeping lightly, sleeping with lights on. The list they gave us literally goes on and on (wish I could find my paperwork). And guess what? These things worked! You know this because you're alive! And that's why your body/mind have a hard time letting go of some of them. It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you. If it bothers you, ask a VA counselor about it. Do you still have one?

Many of the people ('students') in this VA class are family members of Vietnam veterans. Most still have some issues/habits/whatever you want to call them. So you really aren't alone if your mind and body haven't let go of everything they picked up over there.

__________________
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .


"Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez

I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe

Daniel_

I have nothing to add other than "good luck" and a personal recommendation for some form of talking therapy - I overcame hyper-anxious issues (not PTSD) relating to compulsive needs by talking to a skilled professional who helped me get through it.

Failing that, duct tape your abs.

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

PonyPotato

If you do end up talking to someone about it, you may want to bring up the violence-when-being-woken-up thing, too.

Having someone tap on your feet to wake you "because that's how we did it in the army" isn't necessarily an effective way to move past such things.

__________________
"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
— Henri-Frédéric Amiel

ItWasMe

Yea, and when someone jumps out of bed in the middle of the night to try to shoot you with their cell phone you wonder each time if that's all they're going to try to kill you with. I started wearing wearing the same perfume 24/7, especially to bed. It seems to help much, like on some level his brain knows it's just me and not someone who needs to have their head removed.

__________________
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .


"Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez

I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe

Willravel

I know a lot of people in the business, and a lot of them aren't here on the best coast.

Plan9

Fine, give me the koala.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

snowy

My guy also had some problems with violence during sleep, though that was the result of being shipped off to a "wilderness program". It's mostly resolved itself over time, though it's taken over 3 years to get to the point where I can safely brush up against him during sleep without getting punched, though I'm still hesitant to try and reach over him while he sleeps to get to the glass of water on the nightstand.

Some of these things just take time and patience to work them out. I wish you luck in addressing this, Crompsin. It's tough stuff to handle.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

inBOIL

I was going to suggest a corset, but I guess the therapy thing might work.

__________________
And you believe Bush and the liberals and divorced parents and gays and blacks and the Christian right and fossil fuels and Xbox are all to blame, meanwhile you yourselves create an ad where your kid hits you in the head with a baseball and you don't understand the message that the problem is you.

PonyPotato

__________________
"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
— Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Plan9

"Go see a shrink." Sounds like something for people with money or the patience to deal with the defunct VA system.

Also sounds like a great way to ruin any future career I have by developing a "psychological treatment" paper trail.

...

Oh well. I should be able to relax eventually. It's not like I really did anything overseas besides wait and wait and wait.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Bear Cub

Under Armour. Compression garments. Try them.

__________________
Living in the United Socialist States of America.

kramus

If the stigma of a "shrink" spooks you, check out other types of behaviour facilitators (eg cognitive behavior therapy). Some of these practitioners work without prescribing medication. In turn that doesn't raise the same hackles as being diagnosed/treated/medicated for depression or other major mental health concerns. That prescribed shit has to be declared on insurance forms till you die.

The downside of a simple non-MD therapist is, you are not getting the full bang for your buck. The full MD people (at least the professionals such as my Lady) carry a hell of a lot of learning, background, and full physical/mental understanding of the entire system, and they make a real difference to a lot of people

It would be nice to get a grip on your concerns while you're still a young fellow not yet launched on a specific path. It may be more difficult to both resolve your concerns and get help without flagging your chart if you wait. Not to mention the hassle of carrying whatever it is that is causing you grief right now. I hear of people who get major resolution of long-standing issues in very short order, but unfortunately they waited until they were literally at death's door before accepting the help that was available.

Seriously, Crompsin, there is no need to carry a load of shit when there are people paid to help you put it to rest. Hidden disabilities are going to get more and more support as time goes by (not saying that is what you have - I'm talking worst case scenario here). A history of therapy will not be an excuse to block you (legally you would have a lock on calling it discrimination). Indeed getting help may make you more human in the eyes of some of the suits that will be looking at your documentation down the road. Plus the added positive that you do not go postal when something snaps

__________________
And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ...
I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

Zeraph

Try a backbrace in the meantime to help wean you off the armor. And hey, why not get some armor? Wear it occasionally when you're feeling particularly bad. So long as your comfortable, who cares?

Jinn

Become a police officer state-side. They're always wearing kevlar nowadays.

Also, ItWasMe is right. It's only abnormal in the sense that more people don't do it. But wearing body armor increases your chances of living, no matter where you are. It works, so your mind wonders why you aren't doing it anymore.

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Plan9

Like I said, I don't know if I wanna cater to my quirk here. That wouldn't be progress.

I will eventually want/need to purchase body armor given the line of work I'm headed for next year (fed law enforcement) but I don't think it's healthy to prance around the house in ranger panties and Level IV stand alone plates in a MOLLE rig because it "makes me feel safe... ya know, like a security blanket that prevents torso perforation." It might make me feel better, but that's just a little silly.

I need to relax. Get another hobby.

...

First Date Scenario:

Guy: "How's your food?"

Girl: "Fine. Say, I've been meaning to ask you... what are you wearing under your jacket?"

Guy: "Uh... a back brace. See... I, uh, hurt my back in the gym a while back."

Girl: "That's funny, they usually don't look like kitchen cutting boards."

Guy: "Busted. Okay, it's my chicken plate. It'll stop 12 rounds from an AK47 or 6 rounds from a SVD."

Girl: "Oookay. And why are you wearing that to dinner?"

Guy: "Um... in case your father doesn't like me?"

...

Yeah, that would be a bad plan.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

pppg

While I didn't have the same thing you are experiencing, I also had a traumatic event which caused me great anxiety to be in social places. Over a short period of time, I realized that I was only comfortable in my own living quarters.

I agree with your thought process in not giving into this anxiety of the vest. I don't know your situation or where you live but if you live in any major US city there will be places you can go to talk with a counselor, therapist or whatever that will have reduced or free rates if you cannot afford it at the time. Sometimes larger churches will have someone on staff that is licensed if that is your thing.

Something that my counselor suggested is gradual exposure to your uncomfortable situation. You could start out going to a mall or somewhere you feel quite anxious and wear a couple layers clothing (or whatever could make you slightly more at ease). Realizing that the anxiety is something you can control was the biggest step for me. Over time, go to the mall wearing just a light t-shirt. Again, you will probably feel anxiety, but realize it's something you can control.

Personally, I think this is something you should attack with vigor. The sooner you can get to the heart of the anxiety and overcome it the sooner you can move on. I wish you luck, and I know with some work this will soon be a thing of the past.

Willravel

If you broke your leg, you'd go see a doctor right? Well, you need someone to help tend to a wound, and the person to see to deal with this particular kind of wound is a psychologist. If you don't want to go through the VA, that's understandable (though a family friend is getting VA treatment for his PTSD from Vietnam and they're really taking care of him). A lot of people can be covered for counseling sessions through their medical insurance. And there are plenty of nonprofit psychologists who will charge you a much lower rate, especially considering you're a vet.

Anyone that won't hire you because you've seen a shrink a few times is a sack of crap and is likely opening him or herself up to a lawsuit. It's win/win. See a shrink, get better, then sue for discrimination and retire to a tropical island.

But seriously, this almost certainly won't be solved by chunky peanut butter and time. I strongly suggest speaking to a professional.

Spartanx9

I agree with Will.

The body armor gave you protection and it grew onto you. Now where you don't normally need it, you feel vulnerable. Talking to a professional doesn't mean you're crazy, you just need help adjusting back to the life where not having body armor on doesn't mean you're a prime target.

Some might be able to adjust easily, some might need help with adjusting. Speak to a psychologist and hopefully they'll be able to help you overcome it

Zeraph

Sometimes you need to retreat a little to win the battle.