MrFriendly

It will seem completely trivial and stupid to some, but for others, it's a daunting impossible task: Breaking the ice with someone you're attracted to.

It sucks, you feel so utterly defeated before the battle even began. Actually, fuck the battle metaphor, it's like getting up at 3am to pee during a cold winters night and tripping over and face planting it before your person has even managed to leave the bed, it's just really sucks that you fucked up like that.

So we're chilling out at a nice local pub on a Sunday afternoon enjoying the summer weather and the wonderful vibe. I happened to spot a young lass whom was totally my type and sporting a rather awesome tattoo. After making mention of my thoughts on the adorable rockabilly chick with glasses (seriously, galls with glasses are very fetching), my best friend's girl threw down a simple challenge.

"Why don't you go talk to her then?"

Simple question, complex answer. Though, even the most complex equations result in a single, simple, definable answer; in my case, the answer was that I was chicken shit. Unfortunately for me Beck wasn't the kind of lass to take no for an answer, she was determined to see me talk to that girl. I hated her for that too.

It was agreed that we'd best head off soon due to many reasons, but Beck wasn't letting this go. A compromise was reached in which that as we were leaving I was to inform 'beautiful lass' exactly how beautiful I thought she was. This task was easy. I just had to tune out and remember that my actions were without consequence (note that word there, consequence). No balls required for this little task, walk up, introduce myself, tell her what I think, and leave. It was easy.

I walked out of there with an incredible glow, the young lass and her friends responded with an amazing vibe. It felt nice to have made her evening. But at the end of the day, I was still a chicken shit. I could have got her number, I could have sat down and talked with her a while, but I didn't. Truth is, the thought of making that situation real and anything more than novel horrified me.

Curious though, I just couldn't escape the smile it put on her face.

So in my true nature, I needed to test the theory, I needed to attack the challenge before me. Every day this week since then, if I see a lass I like, I'll tell her as much as I'm getting of the train. Slowly, I'm starting to loose the fear and anxiety of approaching total randoms I'm attracted to. All it takes is that smile after I've said something nice. It's a baby step, and all complex problems have to be broken down. One little thing at a time.

So to all those who've always been too scared to talk, too frightened to be themselves, too horrified to do something out of the ordinary, get the fuck out there and challenge yourself. You'll be surprise just how quickly your social fears melt away.

Peace out y'all.

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Mirth

I'm extremely shy, never had a g/f, so I see where you're coming from. I'd might consider giving "trying" a shot if I were with my friends like you were, but they live pretty far so I have to keep things local, and I just can't do something like that alone. I would need someone to laugh with about it immediately after the rejection. And I don't really dig the bar/pub scene, as I don't really like alcohol.

But congrats on your adventure! Sounds like you could make it further next time!

fiatguy85

I too, have been working on this strategy. It makes life easier and builds confidence, which is key.

Cynthetiq

everything gets better with practice. meeting and greeting people is no different.

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Zeraph

The way I did it was to ask strangers I'm *not* interested in more personal (but appropriate) questions than I normally would have. Basically I get used to speaking naturally without the pressure of liking someone. After a few months of that, it made it a ton easier to talk with women I like.

neflyte

I have a speech impediment whereby I'm unable to start speaking certain words depending on my stress level. Imagine how difficult it is for me to speak to a random person, let alone one that i'm attracted to. Getting the nerve to speak to someone isn't that hard (I answer phones for a living...go figure), but the moment my brain shifts to "what if you can't get the sentence started?", I freeze up and forget the whole thing.

As such, i've almost exclusively relied on the internet for my dating needs.

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"I'm not a vegatarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown

Seaver

I had a BAD problem of this through my High School years. I couldn't ever go up and talk to a girl, I never knew what to say, and I was sure she wouldn't like me.

Honestly, I got over it by learning how to dance. We were in Texas in a small town, so the only thing to do on the weekends was to go to this dance hall (where any small town High Schooler drove +30miles to go to). I learned to dance, and all I had to do to talk to the girl was ask her to dance with me. In the 1on1 time on the floor, it was obvious this girl was just as shy and doubting as I was. After 20 approaches, I was shot down maybe 4-5 times.... pretty good ratio. Each one helped build my confidence.

Every once in a while I'll be hit by a girl so beautiful I'll be stopped in my tracks, and I still get shot down on occasion, however it's far and away easier than I ever had it before.

Keep the conversation light, ask her questions about her, let her talk as little as possible, and throw in some jokes based on what the conversation's about. You won't hit it off with everyone, but you won't pine after them like you and this rockabilly chick weeks/months afterwards if you don't.

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"Smite the rocks with the rod of knowledge, and fountains of unstinted wealth will gush forth." - Ashbel Smith as he laid the first cornerstone of the University of Texas

World's King

I've never really had a problem with this. I'm too bad ass.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

Toaster126

Talking to others gets easier if you have some confidence in yourself and/or what you are saying. If confidence is something you have to work at, work on yourself and get something to be proud of.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

healer

Confidence is definitely something that I find difficult to express when in new and different situations. Getting over the fear of rejection and embarrassment was the biggest hurdle for me.

Strangely, I've noticed a marked difference since I got married. Striking up a conversation with strangers or people that are only acquaintances has become alot easier - especially with the ladies. mandy says I'm turning into a flirt, and that I didn't get a chance to use my mojo in my youth so now it's leaking out.

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LordEden

Speaking from someone that has NO confidence and a ton of friends that have so much confidence in themselves that it leaves trails on the bar floor, having confidence in yourself is 90% of the battle. Some of my friends are NOT attractive, ugly mugs, fucked up grills, dip tobacco on a regular basis. The bad thing is they either have really hot girls or pick up smoking hot chicks on a regular basis. They are confident in their selves (ie they think they are billy bad asses) which girls pick up on. Self doubt is a stinky smell that women can pick up on in a second.

I agree with healer that when you are with someone you are more prone to talk to people (girls more often) because you know you have someone. If you know you are going to get laid after you leave the bar, then you are more prone to take chances that you normally wouldn't take. I know when I have a booty call waiting in the shadows that I hit on more girls than I normally would.

I need to do as the orignal poster did and make goals for myself. I have no problem talking to randoms, I can start a conversation with just about anybody. It's when it comes to attractive girls that I have the problem. Maybe tonight I'll actually ask out that girl I've been talking to at my favorite bar.

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Anormalguy

Rejection is a huge issue for some guys (gals as well I would guess). Some guys shake off getting turned down like taking another breath, for others it's like a punch in the gut.

I was a late bloomer, didn't gain any real confidence until my late 20s, after I had been married a few years. Marriage helped me to figure out that women were willing to overlook flaws. Also, in my limited experience, our (male & female) expectations change as we grow older.

One place where I never had any luck with women was at bars. It seemed to me, at the time, that there was way too much competition (possibly true); I anticipated getting turned down before I ever opened my mouth. I was much more relaxed when talking to women at the library, coffee shop, etc.

As others have said...
Practice talking to women. It might help to do so outside of the bar scene. Believe it or not, women will be understanding if you don't always have something clever or interesting to say. Learn to ask questions and learn to listen. Don't be overly worried about gaps in the conversation, chances are she is also trying to think of something interesting to say, & doesn't expect you to carry the conversation. Sometimes sharing a few minutes of silence actually helps you and the woman relax.

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A digression--I worked with a young man in his early 20s who was good-looking, intelligent, well-spoken, took pride in his appearnace, had a great physique, impeccable manners, and was a genuinely nice guy. But he was painfully introverted. A few months after he got married he began to figure out women don't bite, & he rapidlyo developed a lot of self-confidence (which was a good thing). The down side was he started to recognize when women were hitting on him, and thoroughly enjoyed the attention & the flirting. It reached the point where I, and the older woman in our small office, warned him that he was walking on thin ice.

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In a society where the individual is not free to pursue the truth...there is neither progress, stability nor security.--Edward R. Murrow

MrFriendly

It's not that I have trouble conversing or being myself around women. Just breaking the ice with a total stranger that I'm attracted to.

Oh and Anormalguy, your sig is awesome :-)

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dlish

MF is this place in Canberra?

if it is, chances are you probably know this chick already! find out who she knows. Canberras' a small place...but i didnt need to tell you that!

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I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

BackwoodsmanVA

Maybe it would help me IF I had a tongue like Gene Simmons(off of Kiss),but I don't!
Oh well,i just like to compliment the Ladies too!

Mirth

That's how I feel, pretty much.

Last night I was feeling like total shit to the point where I was having suicidal thoughts, so I just hopped in my car and went to the bar by the river. I've never liked the bar scene, being a little-bit stereotypical I feel that the women that go there aren't really my type, but I just want to go there to feel a connection with some woman, any woman, for that night, maybe lose my kissing virginity. Anyways, after showing the bouncer two forms of ID because he didn't believe I was a day over 16, I finally got in. It was packed. It was packed with mostly people that looked 35+. The bar was full, so I went straight outside to the docks overlooking the river. I was hoping maybe a few women would come outside too even though it was a bit chilly (even for Florida), but only these 2 ladies who looked 55 talked to me for a few, whom with I joked with, but this wasn't what I was looking for. Stood out there for about 2 hours looking at the boats and the water, then just went home...

I gave it a shot, and it's just not my thing; they aren't my type of people. I dunno what to try next, but I feel out of options...

MrFriendly

Canberra being a small place was the whole reason I left!

This was in Melbourne, which is what made it worse, because on the whole the gals here are very friendly and laid back.

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Anormalguy

Thanks, I think. The :-) has me a little confused, I've seen it used to indicate a smile, or a joke.

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In a society where the individual is not free to pursue the truth...there is neither progress, stability nor security.--Edward R. Murrow

Jenna

I have this problem when it comes to hitting on other women. For one, I don't know if they are into women, and I don't want to put someone in an uncomfortable situation like that. I've never been the one to make the first move either... so I usually end up saying fuck it.

The only guy I've openly hit on and approached was my current boyfriend, and I guess it worked but it was the alcohol talking.

artisi

Sometimes you just have to say F&*# it! and just put it out there. What do u have to lose? Will a "No" really make that much of a difference?

Xerxys

What?!?!?! Are you kiddin' me? Of course it'll make a difference!!!! I would never ever tell a girl how I feel if I know there's never chance of it happening, and sometimes I always know.

Now, my boss on the other hand, if we were ever to meet in a non office setting, I will NOT hesitate to ask her out to coffee....... OMFG She's HOTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!

Church

I have the same problem, although its gotten much better and more controllable in the last few years. I have troubles with 'e' or the 'ai' sound, such as the beginning of the word air. And sometimes R's. I guess it can be most compared to stuttering, but its different.

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neflyte

finally, someone else who has a similar affliction! my issue has come down to breathing. there simply is no airflow to sound out a word. unfortunately, no amount of breathing exercises have helped. and, of course in this sort of situation i'd be nervous as hell; breathing smoothly is the last thing on my mind.

i also have a tendency to replace words that I can't say (at the time) with others that I can say, however that usually means I lose some of the original message I wanted to convey. :/ I've tried to cut down on that over the years tho.

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"I'm not a vegatarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown

FelixP

You all seem relatively lucky to me. I have zero social skills. I have to know someone for a few weeks (I mean daily or semi daily contact) before I can begin to carry on conversations with them. I can usually do okay if someone begins a conversation with me, but my difficulty applies more to people in general than women specifically.

dd3953

Yeah, this is my problem as well. Add to it that I am shy as hell and don't do well with meeting new people (I'm not a people person and I suck at small talk). So the whole "breaking the ice" thing eludes me to this day. So I'm just hoping I meet someone bold.

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[Technically, I'm not possible, I'm made of exceptions. ]

Daniel_

Under the "wish I knew then what I know now" heading, I found out last week that the cute blonde from my degree couse was just waiting for me to ask her out when I became single, but I never dared make a move because she was totally out of my league.

Turns out that she was attracted by my brains and humour - damn you popular stereotypes! I figured that all the good looking sporty boys were what she wanted because they all hung out round her; never stopped to consider that none of them ever dated her and she sought out my company.

So - you like a girl? Tell her. You like a guy? Tell him.

Don't wait 20 years to find they were waiting for you to ask.

(note to readers: I'd like to point out that my life's journey resulted in me being very happy now with my wife, and that had I asked out the blonde 20 years ago I may well have had a miserable time, and certainly wouldn't have ended up where I am now, it's the time traveller butterfly effect in action, but from the perspective of 20 years ago, the blonde was better than the cheating nutter I went back to)

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Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
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