Finding your 'self' - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

katyg · 12-21-2008, 04:26 AM

I have recently broken up with my partner of three and a half years, without going into detail it was quite a trautmatic and difficult experience - I expected to spend my life with this person and now single at the age of 27 I feel quite lost.

I expected to feel sad, a sense of loss and incompleteness, what I actually feel at the moment is directionless. I have always found tfp to be good place for some wise advice. I feel quite alone in a materialistic capitalist society and I worry that being 27 and not a perfect nubile 'babe' I won't find a good person out there I can relate to.

Is this typical break up depression? What can I do to start over?

noodle · 12-21-2008, 06:31 AM

Sounds rather normal to me. Been there, felt that.
Start going places, observing people and making friends to address some of the depression.
That's how I got moving. It's a process, don't knock yourself around and give yourself time.

SabrinaFair · 12-21-2008, 08:33 AM

First of all, let me say I'm sorry, Katyq. There's no way around it, breakups suck.

I recently went through this--it took me months to find myself following the combination of my last breakup and the engagement of a dear friend and former lover whom I've always carried a torch for. It was a long, hard period, but I'm so glad I went through it. For me, I had to get to the place where I was happy with myself and my life. I adopted the motto, "What's next?" as a reminder to myself to continually work towards improving myself and my life. I had a mourning period, of course, but after that was over, whenever I felt down I tried to take all my negative energy and channel it into something positive. I also came to place where I was comfortable with it being just me--of course I want someone in my life, but I want the right person. I realized I can still be happy with my life if it's just me. If my only choices are settling or being alone, I'd honestly rather be alone. I'd rather have my friends and my work and my interests than an unhappy romantic situation.

The other thing that helped me a lot was listening to music. Music is a big part of my life; my iTunes currently has 6832 songs. Certain songs helped me to reflect, to let me feel things I wasn't really comfortable feeling. I wore out certain tracks--"One More Time" by Laura Pausini, "Be OK" by Ingrid Michaelson, "Steady As She Goes" by the Raconteurs, and "Tears Dry On Their Own" by Amy Winehouse were on my playlists constantly.

And you know, as soon as I found myself following the breakup...I met someone. It's still very early, but I'm hopeful and happy.

I with you peace and comfort, my friend. What you're feeling is quite normal. You'll find your way.

Bear Cub · 12-21-2008, 09:28 AM

I'm in the same situation right now, Katyg. Surround yourself with friends, or find yourself some new ones. I don't have the luxury of settling down with someone unless they're willing to up and move their lives to another city on a whim, so this is the best I can try for in the meantime. Just keep your head up, and it will pass soon enough. Life isn't over at 27.

curiousbear · 12-21-2008, 09:55 AM

Katyg, technically I never break up from her. But practically I break-up now and then. And I feel exactly how you describe.

Lately my learning is in most cases, it is something we have to fix in ourself. The secret to successful realtionships are the skills we need to learn to fit in to relationships. I also realized that we get attracted to relationships that eventually are going to be difficult.

Next time when you get attracted to a person please try to see whether that person falls in to same pattern as the previous ones!

Xerxys · 12-21-2008, 10:05 AM

I'm sorry you had to go through this.

What noodle and bearcub say resonate far more than you would think. The ultimate secret is FRIENDS. Always keep in touch, like every annoying second. They are your lifeline, a hope to better yourself. And always through friends you will find someone who likes you for you.

As for right this minute, stop it with the

Quote:

Originally Posted by katyg

.......I worry that being 27 and not a perfect nubile 'babe'.............

I mean stop it right now!!!

You are perfect. In ways even you can't understand.

katyg · 12-21-2008, 11:43 AM

Thanks for the good advice. I certainly feel I need to start putting myself out into the world more and that will help my last partner was extremely antisocial for many reasons so I have cut myself off a bit.

As for the thing about being 27 and over the hill...I live in Leeds which is the smallest city in the Uk as far as I'm concerned - everybody knows everybody! Since moving here from the countryside I've often felt like guys here are different - it's a student city, there's plenty of young ladies around and after you hit 25, well, I've heard guys saying they wouldn't date above that age...it freaks me out a bit that youth is so lusted after. I am i awfully naive to think intellect, opinions, a sense of humour..these other things matter? In the city it seems not!

Is it possible less guys from my generation want a long term partner do you guys think?

12-21-2008, 04:26 AM	#1 (permalink)
katyg Tilted	Finding your 'self' I have recently broken up with my partner of three and a half years, without going into detail it was quite a trautmatic and difficult experience - I expected to spend my life with this person and now single at the age of 27 I feel quite lost. I expected to feel sad, a sense of loss and incompleteness, what I actually feel at the moment is directionless. I have always found tfp to be good place for some wise advice. I feel quite alone in a materialistic capitalist society and I worry that being 27 and not a perfect nubile 'babe' I won't find a good person out there I can relate to. Is this typical break up depression? What can I do to start over? __________________ "We make a living by what we get but we make a life by what we give" Winston Churchill

12-21-2008, 08:33 AM	#3 (permalink)
SabrinaFair Junkie Location: Louisville, KY	First of all, let me say I'm sorry, Katyq. There's no way around it, breakups suck. I recently went through this--it took me months to find myself following the combination of my last breakup and the engagement of a dear friend and former lover whom I've always carried a torch for. It was a long, hard period, but I'm so glad I went through it. For me, I had to get to the place where I was happy with myself and my life. I adopted the motto, "What's next?" as a reminder to myself to continually work towards improving myself and my life. I had a mourning period, of course, but after that was over, whenever I felt down I tried to take all my negative energy and channel it into something positive. I also came to place where I was comfortable with it being just me--of course I want someone in my life, but I want the right person. I realized I can still be happy with my life if it's just me. If my only choices are settling or being alone, I'd honestly rather be alone. I'd rather have my friends and my work and my interests than an unhappy romantic situation. The other thing that helped me a lot was listening to music. Music is a big part of my life; my iTunes currently has 6832 songs. Certain songs helped me to reflect, to let me feel things I wasn't really comfortable feeling. I wore out certain tracks--"One More Time" by Laura Pausini, "Be OK" by Ingrid Michaelson, "Steady As She Goes" by the Raconteurs, and "Tears Dry On Their Own" by Amy Winehouse were on my playlists constantly. And you know, as soon as I found myself following the breakup...I met someone. It's still very early, but I'm hopeful and happy. I with you peace and comfort, my friend. What you're feeling is quite normal. You'll find your way. __________________ "With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy." -Desiderata

12-21-2008, 09:28 AM	#4 (permalink)
Bear Cub The Reverend Side Boob Location: Nofe Curolina	I'm in the same situation right now, Katyg. Surround yourself with friends, or find yourself some new ones. I don't have the luxury of settling down with someone unless they're willing to up and move their lives to another city on a whim, so this is the best I can try for in the meantime. Just keep your head up, and it will pass soon enough. Life isn't over at 27. __________________ Living in the United Socialist States of America.

12-21-2008, 11:43 AM	#7 (permalink)
katyg Tilted	Thanks for the good advice. I certainly feel I need to start putting myself out into the world more and that will help my last partner was extremely antisocial for many reasons so I have cut myself off a bit. As for the thing about being 27 and over the hill...I live in Leeds which is the smallest city in the Uk as far as I'm concerned - everybody knows everybody! Since moving here from the countryside I've often felt like guys here are different - it's a student city, there's plenty of young ladies around and after you hit 25, well, I've heard guys saying they wouldn't date above that age...it freaks me out a bit that youth is so lusted after. I am i awfully naive to think intellect, opinions, a sense of humour..these other things matter? In the city it seems not! Is it possible less guys from my generation want a long term partner do you guys think? __________________ "We make a living by what we get but we make a life by what we give" Winston Churchill

12-21-2008, 09:55 AM	#5 (permalink)
curiousbear Addict Location: WA	Katyg, technically I never break up from her. But practically I break-up now and then. And I feel exactly how you describe. Lately my learning is in most cases, it is something we have to fix in ourself. The secret to successful realtionships are the skills we need to learn to fit in to relationships. I also realized that we get attracted to relationships that eventually are going to be difficult. Next time when you get attracted to a person please try to see whether that person falls in to same pattern as the previous ones!