approach help:

[blktour]

So some background.

I am friends with a man that is on the verge of being homeless. He is about 60 yeras old or so. I met him through my work as a customer. He pays his lifeline cellphone to us. We will call him CK.

He lives out of a 5th wheel. When we first met, we hit it off really well, and we became friends. I see alot of my father in him, and this is why I think that we clicked so fast.

Well we have been friends for a year now, and I call him every week and help him out any way I can. I take him out to eat. ( he is on a fixed income.) We go and get cups of coffee frequently.

All the while, just wanting my company and always writing down the things I do for him, so he can "pay me back" someday. To this, I tell him, NO. I do it because he is a nice man, and I like helping him.

So that is our relationship. He is a friendly old man,.

Well I guess he knows this drop dead gorgeous woman (about 22 years old.) She works at a Chevron station, and he is very friendly that I think he talked to her one day, and she happened to be a nice girl.

So he wanted to meet up for coffee on Monday, and he secretly invited the 22 year old. We will call her J.

I have a good job with a telecommunications company here in Alaska, and when he meets new good people, he sends them my way so I can attempt to point them in the right direction to get them a job. This works out decent.

So he told J about my job, and she sounded interested. so he set up a meet with him, her and me.

So as we were driving to the coffee shop, he tells me he has invited J and how nice of a girl she is and he wants to help her out with a job, and how i would like her and such.

So we meet up and i mean WOW!

This girl had me hooked from when I first saw her. She is Beautiful. It was hard for me to talk shop with her because I was so into her. Sweet, beautiful girl. It was hard to.

So I held it in, and was very professional about the whole ordeal. I was also very nervous since she was so gorgeous.

So we left and that was it. She ended not wanting to make the sacrifice to get a job with us. That is fine with me.

My thing is this: I want to take her out and see where it goes.

CK told me she is not seeing anyone. I would like to give it a shot and see if she clicked with me like I did with her.

I just dont know how to approach her, since I only know where she works, and CK told me in front of her, so I cant really play "dumb" you know?

So I asked CK what he thought, and he said he KNEW I would like her, and he was expecting me to go for her.

but he tells me to just go and pump gas and dont mention anything. just a hello or something along those lines, and then next time say something.

What do you all think? how should I play this out to approach her without biting my tongue?

I am not a shy person but she is that gorgeous.

[thingstodo]

I don't understand your question OR what is preventing you from asking her out. What am I missing?

[blktour]

Well CK said to just say hi, and dont ask her out, but i dont agree.

CK when we were all having coffee, was making jokes about how we should exchange numbers, but we all laughed. I was nervous laughing and didnt say anythingn nor did I even glance at her to see her reaction, so the subject was changed and I lost my chance to get the number. haha.

but do I go "guns a blazing, not caring" and just ask her out? or be subtle about it? like play it off? "oh I forgot you worked here." but I am not use to doing things like that.

just different ways to ask her I guess. I am not creative at all and when I am nervous ( like now,) I am even less creative. haha. So I dont want to come off as being a turd when I approach her.

I know the whole "be yourself" deal, but just wondering if there were any tips that are out there.

[genuinegirly]

I'm all about the direct approach. Show up at her work, ask if she wants to get coffee, let her pick the time. If she says no, take that as the end of it. But before you walk away completely, make sure you tell her that she is beautiful. A woman can never hear it enough.

[blktour]

Originally Posted by genuinegirly

I'm all about the direct approach. Show up at her work, ask if she wants to get coffee, let her pick the time. If she says no, take that as the end of it. But before you walk away completely, make sure you tell her that she is beautiful. A woman can never hear it enough.

This made me smile.

I will do just that.

Just ask her out for a cup of coffee? or lunch?

but if she says no, I will tell her that I think she is beautiful and call it a day.

subtle, but getting the point across. I like that!

thanks genuinegirly!

[Psycho Dad]

Originally Posted by blktour

but if she says no, I will tell her that I think she is beautiful and call it a day.

Close. If she says no, say OK, perhaps some other time or something of that nature.

[fresnelly]

Better to do something than live in fear of it.

[blktour]

well I went and talked to her. I gave her my credit card to start running the gas, and i was going to go back and talk to her as my gas pumped, and in that minute some guy came behind the counter, and was waiting for her. It could have been her man friend, or a coworker, but his truck was parked outside as if stopped by to say hi. parked sideways and stuff.

So we conversed about little things for about a min or so, then left, because the guy was waiting for her.

No number, no date. nothing.

She was still gorgeous though! haha.

[3GPositive]

At least she remembered you! Don't mess about, she's meeting hundreds of blokes day in that job.

What did you converse about? Get any clues on what she likes?

I hope your fuel consumption is really bad or we'll have to wait ages for the next installment :-)

[blktour]

Well I will go see her next time I have to fuel up. Or maybe I can stop by before then, and say, "hey I forgot to ask you the last time I saw you, if you wanted to catch a bite to eat, or coffee?"

who knows. she did seem interested in me though. She asked me about 3 times what I have been up to, even though I saw her on Monday. She had alot of questions.

Maybe being customer service nice?

This is not over though. I will give everyone updates on the status of "operation Chevron" haha. j/k.

[inBOIL]

Originally Posted by blktour

She asked me about 3 times what I have been up to, even though I saw her on Monday. She had alot of questions.

Maybe being customer service nice?

This sounds nicer than customer service nice.

[Bill O'Rights]

Originally Posted by blktour

"hey I forgot to ask you the last time I saw you, if you wanted to catch a bite to eat, or coffee?"

You"forgot" to ask her out? I don't think that telling her that you "forgot" to ask her out is the way to open. I'm not really sure what to tell you to open with, at this point, but informing her that she is so unimportant that asking her out completely slipped your mind is definately not the way to approach it.

[Lasereth]

OPERATION CHEVRON COMMENCE!!!!!!!! Ha ha ha ha I love it. Good luck.

[Psycho Dad]

Originally Posted by Bill O'Rights

You"forgot" to ask her out? I don't think that telling her that you "forgot" to ask her out is the way to open. I'm not really sure what to tell you to open with, at this point, but informing her that she is so unimportant that asking her out completely slipped your mind is definately not the way to approach it.

Agreed. I'd think an honest "I wanted to ask you out for coffee or lunch, but there was a gentleman there that seemed to be waiting to talk to you". would be a good approach. You would clearly show your intentions/interest as well as discover if this person was indeed another suitor.

[NoSoup]

Originally Posted by 3GPositive

At least she remembered you! Don't mess about, she's meeting hundreds of blokes day in that job.

Ahem.... It's Alaska. Not Hundreds of Blokes. More like.... 3.

[genuinegirly]

Coffee is always a good first date. It's so open - you can sit and chat for hours if you enjoy each other's company, or you can keep it down to a few minutes if the conversation isn't going as well as you might like.

If she enjoys chatting with you so much that you look at your watch and it's dinnertime, then you can ask her out to dinner. Then if dinner goes well, you can take her out for a drink... you get the drift.

[Psycho Dad]

I'm sending genuinegirly's advice to a friend of mine who is having approach problems of his own.

[Martian]

I've never understood all the fuss on this subject. It's an easy formula.

You dig a girl. Either she digs you or she doesn't. If she does, she'll say yes to your invite pretty much regardless, so long as you don't totally fuck it up. A simple 'hey, want to grab some coffee/catch a movie/go for dinner/INSERT APPROPRIATE ACTIVITY HERE' will suffice. If she says yes, great! You're in with a chance. If she says no, politely go on your way. You've been shot down, and the world did not end. Either way, the reality is that she's probably already made up her mind on you, and there's absolutely no reason to sit around planning some elaborate approach.

No, really. It is that easy. No fooling. Just fucking do it and stop screwing around, or you'll lose your chance.

Even if you don't believe me that she's already made up her mind, even all those mystery method player tools will tell you that chicks dig confidence. You've got a better chance with the direct approach than anything.

[blktour]

Originally Posted by Martian

I've never understood all the fuss on this subject. It's an easy formula.

You dig a girl. Either she digs you or she doesn't. If she does, she'll say yes to your invite pretty much regardless, so long as you don't totally fuck it up. A simple 'hey, want to grab some coffee/catch a movie/go for dinner/INSERT APPROPRIATE ACTIVITY HERE' will suffice. If she says yes, great! You're in with a chance. If she says no, politely go on your way. You've been shot down, and the world did not end. Either way, the reality is that she's probably already made up her mind on you, and there's absolutely no reason to sit around planning some elaborate approach.

No, really. It is that easy. No fooling. Just fucking do it and stop screwing around, or you'll lose your chance.

Even if you don't believe me that she's already made up her mind, even all those mystery method player tools will tell you that chicks dig confidence. You've got a better chance with the direct approach than anything.

I hear you. I am usually a "get it done" type of guy. I do it all the time. Why is this so different?

It is not. My emotions are attached somewhat, so it makes it different to me. I will make my mind treat this like any other event in life.


Or maybe I just needed to hear this. ( we all need reassurance sometimes.)

Thanks. Tomorrow I will ask her out and if she digs me she will say yes, if not then a no would do it.

[JustJess]

Ooh, this is getting good! Do tell us how it went.

[genuinegirly]

Thanks, Psyco Dad! I hope it helps your friend.

Something to keep in mind - before going out to coffee, take a bit of time to do some homework. Think about what might be interesting to discuss. Read up on funky current events, silly news stories, maybe a bit about current movies. You want to be able to hold up your end of a light, non-intimidating conversation. It's a lot easier to keep a conversation moving if you have an arsenal of topics at your disposal.

[blktour]

thanks all.

So I was due to get some more gas. Also our mutual friend I had to take to the hospital this morning at butt crack of dawn. So after that, I went to pump gas to let her know that CK was doing good.

She was as beautiful and friendly as before. So AGAIN I get nervous and choke up. I pump my gas and we chat it up for a little bit. then I had to check on my gas, and as I did, her co worker came out the back so he could relieve her, but instead I never stated, "hold on,Ill be right back" I just said, "oh, let me check on my gas."

So I finished pumping, and came back and she was inthe back. I asked her coworker if I could step in the back to talk to her for a second before I go. He then said, "go for it."

So I go back there and she was on the cellphone. I asked, "could I bother you for a second?"

She then covered her cellphone mouthpeice part, and stated in a low tone of voice, "My sons dad, he is being stupid."

So she waited there as if waiting for me to say what I needed to say. So I proceeded to ask, "I was wondering if you want to meet up for a cup of coffee sometime, and hang out."

She had a smile on her face and stated, "yes." So I know she was on the phone and such, but being nervous I asked for her number. (how rude of me, i know.) She then rolled her eyes and pointed to her cell phone, and said, "im sorry." in a whispering voice.

So she said she will get ahold of CK and for him to give me her number.

I didnt understand why she couldnt just write it down or I could put it in my cellphone. But I was the one intruding on her talk time.

I know I could've handled this in a different way,but when I mean this girl is gorgeous, I mean model,drop dead, out of my league GORGEOUS.

So I said ok and said sorry and walked off.

So now she knows I am digging her, and she stated she would tell CK to give me her number.

Did I mess this up,and I feel that I put her on the spot. I feel kinda like an ass for this method.

but she said "yes" regardless. haha.

A little closer than before.

[pig]

Don't sweat it too much - I think you did fine. If she follows up, you're golden. If not, then I'd let it lie a little fallow for a while. She said "yes," and that's a lot better than saying "no."

[Martian]

Man, it's been a while since I've done this. These days I usually just get irritated at indecisive people and close the thread. I guess this means I like you, maybe.

Okay. So. She said yes. You clearly didn't fuck up. Sadly, she was busy at the time and thus you did not actually get her number (in such a situation, I would've written mine down and left it for her, but it's not a big deal either way).

Here's the thing; remember that part where I said "you're in with a chance" up above? That's exactly what you have. She may or may not have considered this consciously, but essentially the decision that she's made is that she likes you enough to take a shot and see what happens.

Notable: She specified 'my son's dad,' thus distancing herself from said man. This seems like a deliberate signal and tells you two things: for one, she has a son. Clearly you are not bothered by this. Also, her father's son is neither her boyfriend nor her husband. Essentially it was a way of saying 'yes I'm single, just fucking do it already.'

Moving on.

So, ball's in her court now. Don't freak out. Make sure your mutual friend is aware of the arrangement and that he passes the number on. I don't imagine he'll forget, but if you don't have it in a week's time, a casual mention might be worthwhile. If you never get it, no big. It may have been deliberate or accidental, but the bottom line is that you didn't win this one. In these cases I don't typically bother to pursue further, since I have a very lackadaisical outlook about such things. If you want to, you can stop by the gas bar again and make another attempt. If she blows you off in any way, that's it.

Number one mega important fact: this girl is not yours. Until you actually kiss her and she kisses you back she is not your girl in any way, shape or form. If you start now thinking about how you'll divvy up closet space or what to name the family dog, she will not be your girl. Ever. End of story.

You do not get attached to something that doesn't belong to you. Down that road lies heartbreak and sorrow.

On the positive: you no longer need to be nervous. Do not play games. Do not use rules. Just be yourself and do your thing. At this point she has signalled interest. The bottom line now is that the thing that is most likely to sink you is a personality conflict, and if that's the case it's better to discover it now than months or years from now when you've both invested a lot of time and energy into a relationship that's going nowhere.

So be confident. You have not fucked up, and short of proposing marriage on the first date you really have nothing to fear. Either it will work out or it won't, but either way you just need to sit back and let things happen how they will. Cultivate a casual outlook and don't get attached yet. You can fall madly in love when you know you've got an actual relationship with her, not before.

EDIT - Also, leagues are a myth. A girl is only out of your league if she thinks she is, in which case you probably don't want anything to do with her anyway. She is clearly in your league, since she's interested in you. Stop thinking that, right now. It's juvenile, and this is not high school.

[blktour]

Originally Posted by Martian

Man, it's been a while since I've done this. These days I usually just get irritated at indecisive people and close the thread. I guess this means I like you, maybe.

Well I like you too Martian. No "MAYBE" about that. =)

It is not that I am indecisive. It is just that I had a situation that I am not a "pro" at, nor I think anyone can be really a pro.

I just like to randomly post up things that happen in my life, that the wonderful TFP crew, will be able to put some insight on it.

Originally Posted by Martian

Okay. So. She said yes. You clearly didn't fuck up. Sadly, she was busy at the time and thus you did not actually get her number (in such a situation, I would've written mine down and left it for her, but it's not a big deal either way).

I know I didn't fuck up. I feel that I am better off than the next guy who doesn't say anything to her.

This is where I should've given her my number. I know I messed up on that. I was actually thinking of that as I was driving away.

Originally Posted by Martian

Notable: She specified 'my son's dad,' thus distancing herself from said man. This seems like a deliberate signal and tells you two things: for one, she has a son. Clearly you are not bothered by this. Also, her father's son is neither her boyfriend nor her husband. Essentially it was a way of saying 'yes I'm single, just fucking do it already.

I am not bothered by her having a son. As for the "fucking do it already." this is where I choke up. I will work on that though.

Originally Posted by Martian

Number one mega important fact: this girl is not yours. Until you actually kiss her and she kisses you back she is not your girl in any way, shape or form. If you start now thinking about how you'll divvy up closet space or what to name the family dog, she will not be your girl. Ever. End of story.

This I do agree with. I do not plan these things, nor have I thought of them. I am not "clingy" in any way. I actually think she is not mine either.

Nice job clarifing that since I do see some people who get clingy right off the bat.


Thanks for the well thought out reply to my story here. I really appreciate that you actually took the time out to respond and read everything I wrote.

I do hope that this does not get locked. It was more of a "I wonder what insight TFP has to offer on this." Than " I am in dire need of help and without TFP I would not be able to handle myself."

Sorry if it has come out this way. I am still grateful to have been able to conversate with all of you with something that is going on in my life.

[genuinegirly]

Yay! You scored huge points with the son factor. Good work!

[blktour]

Originally Posted by genuinegirly

Yay! You scored huge points with the son factor. Good work!

Thanks!

I love kids, and want some of my own someday.

I love how they are like sponges, and grow up fast and learn things that you werent aware of.