Drider_it

I've spent most my life alone. Well, as alone as one can get in a "group" setting. My work life has always moved around a small work force. Nothing like you see in a "shift work" environment.

I have spent the majority of my free time on the net. Mostly playing games. My social interactions are at work (crew of 8), my wife and 5 kids, and church.

I think the fact talking on ventrilo with my guild in wow was ok, due to the fact I wasn't physically there.

Just crowds bother me. I don't know why. I hardly go to movies anymore cuz of this fact. Going out with the wife and kids to a buffet is the most I can do.

Everything goes fine at first. Then as time passes, I ... I just start noticing everything around me. The noise level, in my world I exist, begins to creep in. I can honestly say, it's a tangent feeling that compares to a tank of water slowly rising.

A few weeks ago our work crew ate at outback. of the 12 of us there, half were sober the other flying high on drinks. I was in the middle of it all. The first twenty min. was ok. But as the food was set before us, it all went downhill. Our table, the converstations begain to get louder to cope with the noise of everyone else. It wasn't that I was embarrased due to the drinking. It was the thought of all these people, strangers around me. I didn't know them, nor would I likely ever see them again. I just looked down at my steak and veggies and began clearing my plate as fast as possible.

I excused myself and went out side. The air hit me like a brick wall as I got up. The various converstaions rolling over me as I moved to the door made me break out in a sweat.

As I stepped outside, the cool evening air calmed me. (That and a half pack of smokes heh) I stood out there for about an hour waiting on the others to get done. Several times I made to go in, but I couldn't even touch the door handle.

I don't know if its cuz i spent alot of my life doing small but important jobs where the work force wasn't huge. Or that most of my social interaction is with the net and friends I have never met. And top that with I, for some godforsaken reason, have an odd habit of knowing my surroundings at any given time.

I'm the type that as I enter a room, I place the area. Exits, bathroom, corners, choke points, etc. I just do. My uncle was in Nam and drilled me to survive. Its a habit I have. I'm an open and friendly person. My wife is forever telling me that when I do "break through", I shine at a social setting.

I'm a pretty descriptive person, alas just trying to get this all out is hard for me.

Its like a person that spends all thier time cooped up in a basement at work, they never get out and usually are afraid of wide open places.

Yet, I can walk into a wooded forest area and enjoy a whole day, with all the noise and such.

I just don't know.....

__________________
It means only one thing, and everything: Cut. Once committed to fight, Cut. Everything else is secondary. Cut. That is your duty, your purpose, your hunger. There is no rule more important, no commitment that overrides that one. Cut. The lines are a portrayal of the dance. Cut from the void, not from bewilderment. Cut the enemy as quickly and directly as possible. Cut with certainty. Cut decisively, resoultely. Cut into his strength. Flow through the gaps in his guard. Cut him. Cut him down utterly. Don't allow him a breath. Crush him. Cut him without mercy to the depth of his spirit. It is the balance to life: death. It is the dance with death. It is the law a war wizard lives by, or he dies.

Iliftrocks

I am similar, without the smoking. Stimulants probably make it worse. I seem to be pretty well liked, too, but can't stand crowds. Oddly enough, I've always liked performing, but getting out in front of a crowd to do so is very stressing.....

My main niggling quirk is, I have a hard time going out of my house to do yard work, because I'm afraid the neighbours will see me. Don't know why, because I didn't have a problem going to the neighbourhood barbecue/pool party a few weeks ago. Lots of people saw me there....

__________________
bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

Lasereth

Sounds like you have a bad case of Introverted.

Zeraph

Hah, I have the yardwork anxiety too. My backyard is fine, but I hate working in my frontyard. So weird. I've just learned to accept my hodgepodge of crazy.

Iliftrocks

Embrace your inner nut-job. I'm better than I used to be, but sometimes I have to laugh at myself, and my antisocial tendencies. heh. see?

__________________
bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

ratbastid

Google "social anxiety disorder".

And don't freak out about the word "disorder" in there--it covers a very broad spectrum of behaviors, a range from mild and adaptive to completely debilitating. The point is: it's treatable, if you think of it as something to treat, rather than something you'd have to magically transcend and heroically "get over" somehow.

It sounds like you had a panic attack. A common symptom of social anxiety.

Iliftrocks

Well, I'm on the fence here. I get by, and pretty well, for the most part. Sometimes the anxiety helps to get a little adrenalin going and I perform better. The jokes come, people laugh, I relax. When there's no outlet anxiety is draining.

This "social anxiety" may just be a component of our survival instinct. Checking out situations, a little bit of paranoia, the need to know our outs or exits in a situation, etc.

Some of us just carry it to an extreme. Admittedly, my fear of being seen in my yard, is almost comedic. I can usually get over it and get on with life. I'm probably on the lucky end of the spectrum though....

I'm starting a whole new chain of thought about these things, but I'll have to get my notes together and maybe start a new thread.......

__________________
bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

Cernunnos

I must admit to being the third person in this thread with yard work anxiety. The thought of the neighbors watching me is unsettling, so I attempt to avoid it whenever possible (which is never). Taking care of the house is a personal matter to me, inside and outside. You wouldn't want to be stared at while cooking dinner or brushing the pool, likewise with mowing and edging the front.

Cynthetiq

I feel this way most of the time. I feel like an outsider looking in or just observing. It happens to me when I allow my introverted self to take over. It was much easier when I was drinking to let that be the social lubricant.

In the past couple of years, I've learned to adjust without drinking and find that it's not that difficult to get past it most of the time.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Cernunnos

It's typical for me to reserve my comments in a group conversation to the extent that I could be considered an outsider. The act of observing and listening comes naturally to me, which could perhaps be attributed to my heavily skewed position on the latter side of the Extra/Intro scale. When I do speak, however, everyone listens carefully - they know that I have something important to express. That can be an advantage, depending on the situation.

Drider_it

Along these lines I find another aspect of my ID... im brutally honest. I'm either loved or hated for it. Yet there is no middle ground for me. My sig says it all heh. Though I've come to commit myself to this: You cant argue the truth. My wife taught me this. You can accept or deny it but its still the truth.

And I've come to regret it in my life at times. See a child will share this same point with me.. "Sarah do you like your sweater?" "No mommy it itches, I wanted a toy." A child is honest to the point they forget or don't know how to be tactful.
I don't lie. I catch myself but I try not to. I'm no coward.

Yet, in the fullness of it all....

I start to sweat, I feel pressure all around me. The air is stale, as an old house.. closed for years. Yet finally opened by the right person with the right key. My wife has this key and the solution to my problem in this.

It has been a long road coming, but I'm finally learning to listen to her and follow her lead for a social outlet.

On that note, Cyn and the rest.. I apologize for ignore the majority of this community for so long. I've let an addiction of a game (WoW) hold sway in my life to the point I lost interest in this home I've made here. My god, this forum has just exploded outward, with so many new people. (Though most of you won't see it the way I do)

I'm just glad I'm finally home.

__________________
It means only one thing, and everything: Cut. Once committed to fight, Cut. Everything else is secondary. Cut. That is your duty, your purpose, your hunger. There is no rule more important, no commitment that overrides that one. Cut. The lines are a portrayal of the dance. Cut from the void, not from bewilderment. Cut the enemy as quickly and directly as possible. Cut with certainty. Cut decisively, resoultely. Cut into his strength. Flow through the gaps in his guard. Cut him. Cut him down utterly. Don't allow him a breath. Crush him. Cut him without mercy to the depth of his spirit. It is the balance to life: death. It is the dance with death. It is the law a war wizard lives by, or he dies.

Pogue Mahone

Sounds like SAD to me as well.

__________________
I still wave at the dots on the shore
And I still beat my head against the door
I still rage and wage my little war
I'm a shade and easy to ignore