Drider_it

I've spent most my life alone. Well, as alone as one can get in a "group" setting. My work life has always moved around a small work force. Nothing like you see in a "shift work" environment.

I have spent the majority of my free time on the net. Mostly playing games. My social interactions are at work (crew of 8), my wife and 5 kids, and church.

I think the fact talking on ventrilo with my guild in wow was ok, due to the fact I wasn't physically there.

Just crowds bother me. I don't know why. I hardly go to movies anymore cuz of this fact. Going out with the wife and kids to a buffet is the most I can do.

Everything goes fine at first. Then as time passes, I ... I just start noticing everything around me. The noise level, in my world I exist, begins to creep in. I can honestly say, it's a tangent feeling that compares to a tank of water slowly rising.

A few weeks ago our work crew ate at outback. of the 12 of us there, half were sober the other flying high on drinks. I was in the middle of it all. The first twenty min. was ok. But as the food was set before us, it all went downhill. Our table, the converstations begain to get louder to cope with the noise of everyone else. It wasn't that I was embarrased due to the drinking. It was the thought of all these people, strangers around me. I didn't know them, nor would I likely ever see them again. I just looked down at my steak and veggies and began clearing my plate as fast as possible.

I excused myself and went out side. The air hit me like a brick wall as I got up. The various converstaions rolling over me as I moved to the door made me break out in a sweat.

As I stepped outside, the cool evening air calmed me. (That and a half pack of smokes heh) I stood out there for about an hour waiting on the others to get done. Several times I made to go in, but I couldn't even touch the door handle.

I don't know if its cuz i spent alot of my life doing small but important jobs where the work force wasn't huge. Or that most of my social interaction is with the net and friends I have never met. And top that with I, for some godforsaken reason, have an odd habit of knowing my surroundings at any given time.

I'm the type that as I enter a room, I place the area. Exits, bathroom, corners, choke points, etc. I just do. My uncle was in Nam and drilled me to survive. Its a habit I have. I'm an open and friendly person. My wife is forever telling me that when I do "break through", I shine at a social setting.

I'm a pretty descriptive person, alas just trying to get this all out is hard for me.

Its like a person that spends all thier time cooped up in a basement at work, they never get out and usually are afraid of wide open places.

Yet, I can walk into a wooded forest area and enjoy a whole day, with all the noise and such.

I just don't know.....

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It means only one thing, and everything: Cut. Once committed to fight, Cut. Everything else is secondary. Cut. That is your duty, your purpose, your hunger. There is no rule more important, no commitment that overrides that one. Cut. The lines are a portrayal of the dance. Cut from the void, not from bewilderment. Cut the enemy as quickly and directly as possible. Cut with certainty. Cut decisively, resoultely. Cut into his strength. Flow through the gaps in his guard. Cut him. Cut him down utterly. Don't allow him a breath. Crush him. Cut him without mercy to the depth of his spirit. It is the balance to life: death. It is the dance with death. It is the law a war wizard lives by, or he dies.