little_tippler

I have trouble smiling at random strangers. Last night I played a gig at a local bar. I was the singer. As the singer in a group, usually you are expected to be nice and chat to the customers in the bar, when you're not singing. I have no trouble with that and I have improved my social skills in the last 10 years (since I was a teen). But, no matter how much I am able to do it, I still feel inherently shy and sometimes my difficulty comes back.

In last night's case, I was happy to smile at some people who had approached me first, maybe come up to talk to me and ask me what I'd be singing or just generally chatting to me and smiling. I was able to smile at them, though shyly, then maybe after a couple of smiles in a more relaxed way.

But with people sitting in the crowd who I hadn't met before, I had a hard time initiating the smile. When I'd make eye contact with them, if they weren't smiling, I'd have trouble smiling at them. Even though that would have been a good thing to do, to help me relax, and get confirmation that they are happy with what they are hearing (or not!). It also helps to create rapport with a crowd if you can have create a complicity with them of some sort. Plenty of people were singing along but even then I'd look at them and the smile wouldn't come out. At one point I made a few mistakes during the songs and then my self-esteem went down a notch. Then it got harder and harder to smile.

I have no idea why I'm like this but I wish I could just smile naturally at these people and mean it. Well, it doesn't help that I'm even more self-conscious because I am currently wearing braces. Though I have to say I'm very well adapted to them and I don't let them stop me from doing things. But it does change my smile a bit and sometimes the smiles come out weird lol.

Besides my personal experience last night, I wish I could learn to just smile when I feel like it. It's not that I didn't want to smile, it's that subconsciously my brain was telling me, don't be an idiot and smile, they hate your singing and you're a dork. I'm very self-deprecating, though I have more control over that these days and I'm not half as negative as I used to be.

Apart from this, I'm sure there is another side to the not being able to smile thing that escapes me. What am I afraid of? If I smile, what do I think will happen that is so awful? They won't smile back? So what? I don't know what my problem is. I hate social anxiety...I have far too much of it. All I know is if I go out of my comfort zone and it doesn't work out, I feel really awful and stupid. Not just psychologically, but physically too.

I have been told that in most situations, smiling at random strangers will result in them smiling back. That's a good thing. Also, if there is a tense moment or situation, a smile can help to relax things. So what am I afraid of? Does anyone else have this problem? Any ideas on how to get over it? I guess practice is a good answer, but I'm looking for more than that. I want to understand why. Maybe then I can work on not feeling so out of place all the time.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Jinn

I think a big part of it is that through your description it sounds like you are wanting to smile for someone, or smile at someone because it would be a good thing to do. The people who smile at every stranger they see aren't doing it for those reasons. They're doing it because they're happy.

When I was younger, I was incredibly shy and had the same difficulties as you describe above. The problem went away when magically I wasn't uncomfortable in groups of strangers, and thereby happy. Because I was happy, I smiled at everyone and everything, really.

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

dlish

im the opposite jinn.

when i was younger i used to smile all the time. as i got older i learnt a lot from life. work and other stresses make you not want to smile. im pretty serious most of the time at work, and i dont ive much away. i also dont particularly like my big gaping smile, so i wont give huge smiles in pics..if at all.



as for crowds LT - maybe try and encourage them by acknowledging their presense. sometimes they are as shy as you are. once you get them in, they will feel more comfortable, and in turn so will you.

and for the record LT- you have a great smile!

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

skizziks

I often smile at strangers as I walk around. Sometimes I get glares, usually from females who think I'm somehow hitting on them. Most people ignore me. A few people smile back. At one point, it occurred to me that people must think I'm mentally retarded, because if you look at most people, few if any smile at strangers.

It sounds like you have a low self esteem ( I do, and you sound like me) and are afraid of rejection, and a smile is a bit of an invite, and if not returned, you feel rejected.

Don't think of a smile as an offer, don't expect anything in return, don't think of it as rejection if they don't smile back.

Think of your smile as a gift, a free souvenir to anyone who wants it. Those who smile back accept your gift, those who don't just might have things on their mind, or might not trust a free gift from a stranger, and that is their loss.

You can't control how other people feel or think, you can only control yourself. Have fun with it, see how many people you can get to smile back at you.

As an aside, no one cares about braces, don't let them deter you.

snowy

I don't know about that. Around these parts it's not uncommon for people to walk around and smile at one another. It's not out of the ordinary at all. My SO and I do a lot of walking, and we often smile as we do so. Sometimes this will lead to a brief conversation with complete strangers as we pass one another on the sidewalk, usually commenting on the weather or whatnot. We often get approached for directions because we look friendly.

I think a lot of it has to do with where you live. Oregonians love to smile at one another. Perhaps it has something to do with the crummy weather. I also imagine it has something to do with our community values; my town tends to attract friendly, polite people who are interested in getting out and getting to know their neighbors/fellow community members.

I think of my smile like an invitation. It's saying "Hi, I'm a friendly person, you can say hello to me, I don't bite." So in smiling, especially while performing, you're sort of issuing an invitation to your audience to relax and be friendly. It's an important thing to do. I often have to remind myself to smile, though usually I do so not only to look friendly, but because I don't want frown lines!

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

little_tippler

I don't think I'm wanting to smile for someone, I just feel like smiling. but it comes out weird, or it doesn't at all. Maybe because all eyes are on me. I feel like even in the street, if I feel like smiling about something, I contain it because people will look at me, or so I think.

Oregon sounds like a friendly place snowy.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

highthief

I usually smile at people when I'm out for a run - when two people meet up on a path, it seems natural. But I don't smile at everyone I see at the supermarket. It's all in the context.

Not sure how it works at gigs.

__________________
Si vis pacem parabellum.

Jinn

If someone thinks negatively of me because I'm happy and I'm smiling at them, then they're pretty fucked in the head. I really feel bad for someone who can look another person smiling and think negative thoughts. I don't care if people think I'm looney, wacky, crazy, mental.. I'm smiling because I'm happy. Not my fault they're so jaded by life that they can't even bear a smile at a stranger.

There are way too many people in this world with 'depression' and I'm not going to be one of them. Smile, smile, smile.. my life is what I make it. I think it should look weird when people walk around all sad or angry. You only get one chance at this life.

Also, I'm in my mid twenties and I listen to teeny bopper happy music like Miley Cyrus and Ashley Simpson. They're so contagiously happy and I love it!

EDIT:

Yea, that's right - I did it:

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Charlatan

I make an effort to smile, especially in the office. Otherwise, I tend to look like I am scowling. It's a combination of squinting to see (I remove my glasses to use my computer and often forget to put them back on before I walk across the office) and getting lost in thought (I have a habit of wrinkling my forehead when I am lost in thought). I found that people think I am grumpy (which generally isn't the case).

I started to make an effort to consciously smile and have found that people react me a lot better.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

jewels

As a smiler there's nothing wrong with that. I smile a lot because people make me happy. If I make eye contact with a stranger, the start of a smile usually brings a response. If they don't immediately begin a smile back, I'm not wasting my smile on them. Really.

If you're not feeling it, don't force it. A phony smile is worse than none at all. Until you feel the comfort level you require to feel comfortable enough to smile at someone, you can smile with your eyes. In some cases, that's even better than a smile.

Even without knowing you, your essence is in your posts. You possess a warmth and charisma that you exude in your own way; that's your smile. People can see that.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

little_tippler

Just thought I'd update this.

On Friday I had my second gig and it went much better than the first. The fact that I'd rationalized to myself over the week that there was no harm in smiling at strangers paid off. I smiled to a few miserable faced people and even they smiled back. Just goes to show that it's silly to worry about these things. It also helped that I made less mistakes and did better overall. That way, I felt pretty relaxed about the evening, and I even had some compliments on my singing at the very end!

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

spindles

I'm not a particularly outgoing person. I don't think there is any requirement to smile in specific situations. Having said that, when I want to smile, I do. It is not necessarily at anyone in particular.

If you want to smile - go ahead!

__________________
who hid my keyboard's PANIC button?

World's King

I don't smile.


And it's not because I'm not a nice person or not happy. My face just doesn't do it.

__________________
heavy is the head that wears the crown

nomcat

When I smile the left corner of my mouth rises a lot higher than the right... so it looks like I'm smirking... not always appropriate.

Martian

Performance is tricky.

There are many ways to engage an audience. Generally, one should be outgoing and warm, particularly if one is the singer. Bassists or drummers are expected to be quiet and reserved; they're background players. Singers often serve as the face of a group, and are therefore expected to be engaging.

As with many instrumentalists, I am prone to a variety of odd facial expressions when deeply engaged in my craft. Among the rock and pop crowd this is commonly known as 'guitar face,' largely due to the popularity of the instrument in those styles, and is a widely accepted phenomenon. When playing a challenging passage or lick I'm unlikely to be smiling or even making eye contact with an audience, as I'm concentrating on what I'm doing.

Describing the way I do the things I do is difficult. I suspect this is true of many musicians. Mechanically, I can break it down quite easily; the thought processes, however, are more difficult to convey.

In any event, if we discount my digression I have found the most important thing is to simply have fun. Joy is contagious. If you're happy doing what you do and you're reasonably good at it, then the people who are there to see you do it are likely to be happy also. Don't worry too much about the mistakes. We all make them, and are more likely to notice them then the audience. We are almost always our own worst critics.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Hyacinthe

Just think of something that makes you happy LT, doesn't matter what it is or if it's relevant, it'll put a smile on your face and make you seem more approachable.


On a bit of a tangent, people here in Western Oz not only smile at eachother the majority still do the whole "Good morning" or "Good afternoon" when you walk past someone.

__________________
"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own"

"Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."

Cernunnos

I've found that smiles are typically only given in a situation where two individuals or groups are passing eachother by in relative isolation and must establish eye contact. Smiles and murmured greetings follow, sometimes a brief conversation involving small talk before separating. The setting matters. A nature trail almost guarantees a greeting, whereas a sidewalk in a shopping district is far less likely to net you a response.

The whole procedure is an awkward aspect of social interaction for me. I am unsure of the expected behavior at various settings, sometimes resulting in an unreturned smile or scowl. At a former work place, I would greet people who passed my area - instead of a smile and a returned greeting, I received unexpected laughter, as though it was utterly ridiculous of me to acknowledge their presence.

Nowadays, to avoid unpleasant situations, I will likely tip my head in acknowledgement of a person instead of smiling openly or greeting them with words. If they don't return the nod, I feel less rejected than if they were to scowl or glare upon seeing my smile.