little_tippler

I have trouble smiling at random strangers. Last night I played a gig at a local bar. I was the singer. As the singer in a group, usually you are expected to be nice and chat to the customers in the bar, when you're not singing. I have no trouble with that and I have improved my social skills in the last 10 years (since I was a teen). But, no matter how much I am able to do it, I still feel inherently shy and sometimes my difficulty comes back.

In last night's case, I was happy to smile at some people who had approached me first, maybe come up to talk to me and ask me what I'd be singing or just generally chatting to me and smiling. I was able to smile at them, though shyly, then maybe after a couple of smiles in a more relaxed way.

But with people sitting in the crowd who I hadn't met before, I had a hard time initiating the smile. When I'd make eye contact with them, if they weren't smiling, I'd have trouble smiling at them. Even though that would have been a good thing to do, to help me relax, and get confirmation that they are happy with what they are hearing (or not!). It also helps to create rapport with a crowd if you can have create a complicity with them of some sort. Plenty of people were singing along but even then I'd look at them and the smile wouldn't come out. At one point I made a few mistakes during the songs and then my self-esteem went down a notch. Then it got harder and harder to smile.

I have no idea why I'm like this but I wish I could just smile naturally at these people and mean it. Well, it doesn't help that I'm even more self-conscious because I am currently wearing braces. Though I have to say I'm very well adapted to them and I don't let them stop me from doing things. But it does change my smile a bit and sometimes the smiles come out weird lol.

Besides my personal experience last night, I wish I could learn to just smile when I feel like it. It's not that I didn't want to smile, it's that subconsciously my brain was telling me, don't be an idiot and smile, they hate your singing and you're a dork. I'm very self-deprecating, though I have more control over that these days and I'm not half as negative as I used to be.

Apart from this, I'm sure there is another side to the not being able to smile thing that escapes me. What am I afraid of? If I smile, what do I think will happen that is so awful? They won't smile back? So what? I don't know what my problem is. I hate social anxiety...I have far too much of it. All I know is if I go out of my comfort zone and it doesn't work out, I feel really awful and stupid. Not just psychologically, but physically too.

I have been told that in most situations, smiling at random strangers will result in them smiling back. That's a good thing. Also, if there is a tense moment or situation, a smile can help to relax things. So what am I afraid of? Does anyone else have this problem? Any ideas on how to get over it? I guess practice is a good answer, but I'm looking for more than that. I want to understand why. Maybe then I can work on not feeling so out of place all the time.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918