CafeMocha812

First off, I'm going to say that I enjoy her company very much. She is more forgiving and comforting than I could have ever expected from anyone. It's just I've been questioning recently whether I should stay with her or not. I can live without her, it's just that I know how much it's going to hurt if I had to leave her. I only have eyes for her and she only has eyes for me...

However, she's very irrational at times.

She's 100 pounds... very skinny... and she gets sick very often. I've watched her diet ever since I started dating her 7 months ago, and she rarely eats. Her hair falls out very easily and I have voiced my concerns that maybe she should eat more protein. She gets very angry when I mention this and says that if she eats too much then she gets sick.

Her definition of eating too much? We recently went to Chili's because she had been complaining about how hungry she was and she wanted to go out to eat... when we got there, she ordered one bowl of broccoli and cheese soup... she ate a couple bites of it and then claimed it didn't taste right and that she was full. The only other thing she had eaten that day was tater tots from Sonic's.

She frequently asks me to take her to a buffet and I'll succumb to her pleas and take her, but she'll only eat a few items off the bar and then won't eat anything else the entire day.

It's distressing to me because I'm finding myself telling her that it's important for her to eat at least three times a day even if it's only a little bit. It's hard not to lecture her because she immediately works up an attitude and says "Don't argue with a female."

She always has to be right. Even if she's wrong, she says "Don't argue with a female!" and gets pissed at me. Earlier today, I took her to my parents house for my father's birthday and there were leftover barbecue ribs. My mom said we could have some. She politely declined, but later in the day when I met up with her and her mom I was talking about how I had eaten barbecue ribs for my father's birthday and she says "no you didn't." and I said... "yes... we cooked the barbecue ribs for my father's birthday." and she says "No, those were leftovers from yesterday." She doesn't live with my parents... she wasn't there when we cooked them... and then she ends it with her infamous "Don't argue with a female." I don't understand why she can't listen to anyone.

Additionally, I may be moving to St. Petersburg, FL from where I live which is about 7 hours away. She got extremely mad even though it was a in a career field that I've dreamed of going into. I asked her to move with me and she said no she's not leaving her town. She's never flown on an airplane. She's basically a small town country girl and has rarely ever traveled out of town or even out of state. I told her that it would be an amazing experience to go to a bigger city where neither of us has ever been. She said no her grandparents are old and she doesn't want to abandon them. Her mom and her father still live in town... and her mom's new boyfriend is moving into town soon...

I just don't know what to do anymore..

Baraka_Guru

Leave her if you'd be better off without her.

Otherwise, stay, and do what you can to help her. She has serious issues with eating and personality disorders.

Only do this if you truly love her.

Don't waste your life away on a lost cause. You will only regret it in the long run, and you both will be miserable.

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Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
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snowy

She's an anorexic. That's pretty clear from what you described.

You cannot help her. You can try and get her the help she needs, but as it stands, you yourself cannot help her. It's like trying to deal with an alcoholic. There isn't a whole lot you can do.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Ayashe

It sounds like she is a real handful. Stubborn, unwilling to listen to any point of view other than yours, it sounds as if communication really isn't there at all. While I hope for the best for you it doesn't sound like a workable relationship. Perhaps your move and her unwillingness to come along should be looked at as a real blessing.

Martian

onesnowyowl is very wise.

You cannot save her. It's hard to accept, but the sooner you do so the better off you'll be.

Make your move and get on with your life. It's up to her to figure out how to deal with this or not as she sees fit.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Manic_Skafe

Has anyone in her family noticed that she's an anorexic? With her utter refusal to discuss the subject with you and the fact that you're leaving, maybe the best thing you can do is leave this in the hands of her family as you make an exit.

Or perhaps you guys can come together and try to talk her into getting some help.

Whatever the case, get ready to jump ship.

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Ayashe

That is very good advice. It could be a very difficult subject to discuss, and awkward. I can see how it would be easy for her to feel that you have betrayed her trust but it would be a most loving and protective thing to do for her. She probably won't appreciate it, in fact I image she will be angry regardless of the thought you have given of her on the matter. Good thinking Manic-Skafe.

Martian

Talking her into getting help isn't likely to do much good. You can try if you want, but interventions are usually for those intervening, rather than the one being intervened.

We engage in all manner of self-destructive behaviour. The one constant through it all is that one cannot quit a bad habit until one wants to do it for oneself.

I don't mean to be a bring-down. This is my experience in the matter. I have rather more of it than I'd like. The sooner you remove this girl from your life, the better.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Tully Mars

7 mos? Dude I don't mean to sound harsh but this is not a healthy relationship in any way. Not for you and not for her. Myself I'd move on. I had over 25 yrs with my Ex. She had a few issues here and there but totally lost it when her father became ill and eventually passed. She had issues of childhood trauma, completely inflicted on her via him. I thought when he passed she'd find closure and things would improve. How wrong I was. I couldn't help her and I'm willing to bet you can't help your current SO.

If you really want to help follow Manic_Skafe's advice and do and intervention. But be prepared and willing to move on... and soon.

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Daniel_

In my experience, if you ask people "should I leave her" you already know that you ought to, but you're not brave enough to seize the nettle. It's bloody hard, but as people have said above, she's got medical problems. If she's not able to get help, or not able to use the help she seeks, then it does not bode well, and it's unreasonable for you to have to support that unless you are fully committed to her and the difficulties of that.

That you have come here and asked this question shows that you have serious and reasonable doubts.

I really feel for you, but I think the answer is "yes - you should leave her".

__________________

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Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
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Tully Mars

After being professionally involved with countless interventions over nearly a 20 year period I'd have to say I completely agree with you here. I facilitated one intervention where the lady explained she really didn't drink much and her family and friends had it completely wrong. Her sister pointed out she could smell alcohol on her breath at the moment and it was 10am. The lady in question quickly said "Oh, I know what happened. I had apple juice with breakfast, it must have fermented in my stomach." She said that with a completely straight face. Of course no one bought it. But at least after the meeting they knew they'd made an effort and at least felt better about that. Within six months this 32 yr old lady was dead having walked into oncoming traffic wearing only a pair of panties. The bar she's been drinking at demanded she leave when she started talking off her clothing.

I had another man I was working with, the father of someone on my caseload. His son told me he drank all the time and was abusive. I talked to him and he said "Well I used to drink back when I was in the Army. Since then I've cut way back. A beer or two here and there." This sounded a lot like what I did after leaving the Navy. I started to leave and it dawned on me to ask how long was he in the Army and when did he get out. "I did the full 30, got out late last month." So he drank hard for 30 years but in the last two or three weeks he got it under control? We set up an intervention shortly after that conversation. Again he denied there was a problem. He ended up living on a run down fishing boat with no motor tied to a pier in Tillammok Bay, Or. He died on that boat, I always assumed liver failure.

Almost always the family feels better, but the results are near nil, IMHO. I'm sure some work. But I'd say the vast majority do not.

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I used to drink to drown my sorrows, but the damned things have learned how to swim- Frida Kahlo

Vice President Starkizzer Fan Club

thespian86

Yes I must agree with Martian and say that Snowy is one of the only women where the "don't argue with females" rule truly applies; what makes her so great though is that she'd never say it

Sounds like a basket full of unhappy for you. It's possible you're like me, have a savior complex; you love to date girls who are a little bit of trouble, though completely unintentionally, with the hope that you'll make them "better" and it'll be you doing it.

That is one of the many classic signs you are in an "unhealthy" relationship. Put aside her obvious need to grow the hell up ("No I'm Right! Nah, nah, nah, nah, NAAAH nah; I'm not listening!") and her very obvious eating disorder, it seems like you are completely aware this is going no where fast but refuse to jump ship because of the aforementioned "I really care about her and if I stay, maybe she'll change".

The sad truth is, she won't.

(BTW Mart; I never noticed your signature before. You are perhaps the only person I have ever met that can make a Journey song sound poetic. I don't know why but when I read it, it automatically went into "Sir Lawrence Olivea" mode... well done)

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noodle

Any female that uses the phrase "don't argue with a female" has issues to begin with.
Please note that 99% of intelligent women would not use this statement, unless in jest.
Gender and the stereotypes that exist never win an argument.
But it can end relationships.
So can eating disorders.
Add them both together along with her reluctance to support you in following your dreams and I agree with almost everyone else above me... you already know your answer.

__________________

thespian86

Also noodle; don't argue with noodle.

Hell Mocha, just date someone on the site; beautiful and wise, every last one of em.

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EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

grumpyolddude

All I can add is "Congrats on the new job! There's a lot of nice women in your new city! Good Luck!"

(go ahead and argue with all the females you care too..... just remember to lose)

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"Regret can be a harder pill to swallow than failure .With failure you at least know you gave it a chance..." David Howard

Plaid13

leave her and tell her why. She needs professional help. she has to be willing to change her mind about the way shes living and thinking. If she wont she will just end up lonely and crazy for the rest of what will most likely be a short misrable life.

lotsofmagnets

hit/run? i´d love to hear of developments with this one.

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physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

curiousbear

She is very unfortunate and needs help. I suggest you move on. But keep in touch and try to find some professional for family help offline. And if she is not making efforts to get to you, then slowly let her stay where she is.

Next time, take more time to fall in love.

World's King

If you have to ask... the answer is Yes.


Run... run like the wind...

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Seer666

Dude, I'm just going to say it. She's fucking nuts. Run. Run now, run fa®and leave no forwarding address so she can't suck you down into her nightmare of a sad life any more. From the sounds of it, this bitch got cold cocked with the crazy hammer and went back for more. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Now.

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