08-14-2008, 05:10 PM | #1 (permalink) |
Psycho
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Defeat
Today I met defeat at a crossroad. I have been suffering from a condition called Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia. So what, so my heart beats ridiculously fast. This has been occuring for several months, medications tried to no avail. Finally with no direction left to turn, I was offered surgery to repair the issue.
By my own choice, I delayed the surgery by one month as I had family returning from Iraq on leave. As the days have grown nearer and nearer to surgery my heart rate has increased considerably. I assume much of this is because of anxiety of my upcoming procedure. To explain a bit, it causes me dizziness, palpitations, chest pain, shortness of breath, nausea and insomnia. Needless to say, in the last few weeks my sleep has been quite poor. Work to me is something of pride, I rarely miss work. I never take advantage of sick time. I am always on time. I am no workaholic, but to admit that I have reached a point where I am defeated and know I can no longer work in my current condition gives me a feeling of defeat. I pushed on as hard as I could for as long as I could. Today, I was approached by my Nurse Manager, the Clinic Manager and the physician that I work for. They all basically told me the same thing, you can go. It is okay, we know you have issues and you are rightfully exhausted and weary. Don't worry about getting a work slip, you have the time, we have the staffing, just go. So I swallowed my pride and extended my Leave of Absence. Am I just stubborn? Do any of you have difficulties with accepting when you have reached the point you have to give up? |
08-14-2008, 05:31 PM | #3 (permalink) |
Psycho
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To myself I find it rather defeating as I have always generally been quite active. I am also not all that old. When you are the sole person responsible for a household, everything relies on you. Which is the case for myself. There is no one backing me up, there is no one to lean on and take some of the weight. I know that if I do not work, bills will not get paid etc. I am sure this gives me my sense of defeat as one of my main purposes in my household has been stalled. When you place such a value on yourself it is defeating to know that you cannot meet the task any further.
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08-14-2008, 05:51 PM | #6 (permalink) |
Psycho
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It is difficult to leave feeling comfortable about your return when one of your coworkers asks for a hug. Now mind you, this male coworker is typically the type who is so absolutely afraid of upsetting anyone and fearful of being charged with sexual harassment that it was sort of shocking... even more so when he was choked up with tears immediately after. Not to mention he is my doctor. It has been a strange experience for me to be on the other side of the exam table. I had to say, You know I am coming back!
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08-14-2008, 05:58 PM | #7 (permalink) | |
The Reverend Side Boob
Location: Nofe Curolina
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Quote:
If you feed off the negative emotions of others, you're more likely to accept defeat.
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Living in the United Socialist States of America. |
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08-14-2008, 06:49 PM | #8 (permalink) | |
Psycho
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08-14-2008, 06:55 PM | #9 (permalink) |
Upright
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I don't see it as defeat. I see it as another challenge that you have to face and work through. You have come this far, working with this condition, supporting yourself and family on your own without help from others, now you're life challenges are just being kicked up a notch. You'll have an uphill battle for awhile, but once you get through it, you'll realize that you haven't been defeated at all, in fact, you're the one that is defeating these challenges being thrown your way.
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08-14-2008, 07:32 PM | #10 (permalink) |
has all her shots.
Location: Florida
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Part of success is realizing how to maximize what you have to offer. Therefore, when health matters arise, taking care of them, taking care of yourself is not defeat. How silly! Pushing your body when it is saying no is a far worse betrayal of yourself - a far worse defeat.
Just take care of yourself so you can be there for everyone again.
__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce |
08-17-2008, 11:09 AM | #11 (permalink) |
Upright
Location: reykjavík, iceland
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it´s not defeat, just high self-expectation.
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mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor. she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron. physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable? |
08-17-2008, 12:02 PM | #12 (permalink) |
Young Crumudgeon
Location: Canada
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Every time I have to take time off work for my own illness, I feel the same way. I have yet to figure out a good way of dealing with it, and therefore cannot offer any advice to you.
Just do what you have to do to take care of yourself.
__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said - Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame |
08-19-2008, 02:25 PM | #13 (permalink) | |
Tilted
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defeat |
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