Friend maintains a relationship with someone who hurt you... - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

kate jack · 08-02-2008, 11:56 AM

If your friend maintained a pleasant relationship with someone who did things to hurt you (gossip, false accusations) would it bother you?

Would you be able to believe that you were truly close friends?

If they didn't do anything to my friend, well.. I wouldn't be real happy about it, but whatever. It might just be that me and the offending friend had some personality issues that we couldn't work and the offending friend was a dickwad about it. Who the hell knows.

Would I like it if their relationship cooled down as well? Well, yeah. But I wouldn't consider them less of a friend for maintaining a relationship.

soma · 08-02-2008, 12:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kate jack

If your friend maintained a pleasant relationship with someone who did things to hurt you (gossip, false accusations) would it bother you?

If it has to do with gossip and rumors, I wouldn't worry too much about it. I expect my friends to be loyal, but I know they're not going to stop being friends with someone if they might have slighted me. It just doesn't seem to work like that.

Bear Cub · 08-02-2008, 12:47 PM

No, nor should they be expected to terminate a friendship based on a pissing match. Burning bridges always comes back to bite you in the ass.

thespian86 · 08-02-2008, 01:34 PM

Yeah this sounds like a case of a grade eleven flame war.

To this I say "get over it". If someone wants to say horrible things about me then that's their business. If someone I care about wants to believe them then I have no time for them. If someone I know believes me but still wants to hang out with them; more power to them, I just feel bad that they have to deal with a douche.

Cernunnos · 08-02-2008, 01:48 PM

There's no point in attempting to force your friend away from interacting with the hurtful person. Interfering is one surefire way to irritate the friend and repel them. Instead, hope that they're able to look at the hurtful individual and see them as they are, choosing to disassociate themselves at their own pace and in their own way.

spectre · 08-02-2008, 01:58 PM

I'm a very loyal person, however, I don't think it's fair to put a friend in that sort of position. I've been there before and it's not right to do that to someone. The way I see it, as long as your friend isn't adding to the harm, then there's nothing wrong with your friend staying friends with the other person.

Charlatan · 08-02-2008, 04:35 PM

I don't see this as much a big deal. I think it has everything to do with what the offending party did to you in the first place. Rumours and gossip don't seem like serious offences... but then I don't know the context.

I would ensure that my friend knew the circumstances from my point of view. I would tell them once and then I would let it lie.

If you find that you cannot hang out with someone who hangs out with someone you don't like, get a new friend.

Iliftrocks · 08-03-2008, 05:58 PM

If it bothers you a great deal, talk to your friend about it. If they don't think much of it, you either need to cool it with your friend a while, to get some perspective, or try to let it go. Think about what's upsetting you and try to work on that.

You could also try to talk to the offending party and try to figure out why he/she did what they did. If you can fix that bridge you might come out with more friends...

Thus spake the man who had very few friends, heh

Spartanx9 · 08-03-2008, 07:45 PM

To me, what happens between me and my friends is what I look out for. If someone decides to hang out with someone else that might of offended me, it doesn't matter as long as they don't partake in it.

genuinegirly · 08-03-2008, 07:59 PM

I am one to avoid drama. Never been in that particular end of a situation. Though I have ceased communication with a couple of friends because they caused pain and harm to multiple close friends. I was motivated to make this action by a combination of signals - boiled down to an intense lack of adult character on their part.

ShaniFaye · 08-04-2008, 03:07 AM

We are going thru this right now.....neither Dave or I are the kind of people to tell someone who they should or shouldnt associate with. We have someone that has been very hurtful and extremely vindictive to Dave, even going to far as to tell others in the "group" that they had to choose which they were going to me friends with...us or him (please keep in mind that Dave and I are not the ones in the wrong...its the other guy) and sadly all but 2 of them chose the other guy....2 of them were grown up enough to say they were adults, they were not in high school and this guy wasnt going to tell them who to be friends with.

We are not ones to say "oh if you hang out with so and so we are terminating the friendship" what we WILL say is....be friends with who you want but please understand why we will not attend any function where the other person is in attendance.

Because of that we have not attended many functions lately lol but thats ok. This past weekend the two people that didnt dump us were part of planning a huge family cookout at Stone Mountain and we were the ones invited...and we had a blast

I "hear" the other people are extremely pissed off.....all I can say is oh well.

Reese · 08-04-2008, 04:19 AM

Kate Jack, You've posted quite a few threads asking different things and I'm wondering are these hypothetical or real situations?

To the question, Sometimes you don't know how good your friends are until the relationship is tested. I like to avoid other peoples problems but seeing how my friends act toward other people really make me consider my relationship with them. People are also very unlikely to listen to bad things about their friends. I had a "friend" and was told time and time again they were going to burn me and I just didn't listen but they day they did decide to ruin the friendship I remembered everyone warning me about them. I'm sure it won't be long until your friend gets burned by the same person and realized they should have listened to you. Until then, all you can really do it avoid making yourself look worse than the other person.

ratbastid · 08-04-2008, 06:22 AM

Daytime soap operas only bear any resemblance tor real life when we allow them to.

cyklone · 08-04-2008, 09:23 PM

This is a pretty common circumstance in relationship/marital breakups and most people manage it okay just by not passing on news, gossip etc about either friend.
If by "hurt", you mean rape, assault etc I would be disappointed/feel betrayed at my friend maintaining their relationship with that person and say it wasn't acceptable.

08-02-2008, 11:56 AM	#1 (permalink)
kate jack Tilted	Friend maintains a relationship with someone who hurt you... If your friend maintained a pleasant relationship with someone who did things to hurt you (gossip, false accusations) would it bother you? Would you be able to believe that you were truly close friends? If they didn't do anything to my friend, well.. I wouldn't be real happy about it, but whatever. It might just be that me and the offending friend had some personality issues that we couldn't work and the offending friend was a dickwad about it. Who the hell knows. Would I like it if their relationship cooled down as well? Well, yeah. But I wouldn't consider them less of a friend for maintaining a relationship.

08-02-2008, 12:47 PM	#3 (permalink)
Bear Cub The Reverend Side Boob Location: Nofe Curolina	No, nor should they be expected to terminate a friendship based on a pissing match. Burning bridges always comes back to bite you in the ass. __________________ Living in the United Socialist States of America.

08-02-2008, 01:34 PM	#4 (permalink)
thespian86 change is hard. Location: the green room.	Yeah this sounds like a case of a grade eleven flame war. To this I say "get over it". If someone wants to say horrible things about me then that's their business. If someone I care about wants to believe them then I have no time for them. If someone I know believes me but still wants to hang out with them; more power to them, I just feel bad that they have to deal with a douche. __________________ EX: Whats new? ME: I officially love coffee more then you now. EX: uh... ME: So, not much.

08-02-2008, 01:58 PM	#6 (permalink)
spectre Junkie	I'm a very loyal person, however, I don't think it's fair to put a friend in that sort of position. I've been there before and it's not right to do that to someone. The way I see it, as long as your friend isn't adding to the harm, then there's nothing wrong with your friend staying friends with the other person. __________________ "Fuck these chains No goddamn slave I will be different" ~ Machine Head

08-02-2008, 04:35 PM	#7 (permalink)
Charlatan Getting it. Super Moderator Location: Lion City	I don't see this as much a big deal. I think it has everything to do with what the offending party did to you in the first place. Rumours and gossip don't seem like serious offences... but then I don't know the context. I would ensure that my friend knew the circumstances from my point of view. I would tell them once and then I would let it lie. If you find that you cannot hang out with someone who hangs out with someone you don't like, get a new friend. __________________ "My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars." - Old Man Luedecke

08-02-2008, 01:48 PM	#5 (permalink)
Cernunnos Insane Location: Orlando, Florida	There's no point in attempting to force your friend away from interacting with the hurtful person. Interfering is one surefire way to irritate the friend and repel them. Instead, hope that they're able to look at the hurtful individual and see them as they are, choosing to disassociate themselves at their own pace and in their own way.

08-03-2008, 05:58 PM	#8 (permalink)
Iliftrocks Junkie Location: Near Raleigh, NC	If it bothers you a great deal, talk to your friend about it. If they don't think much of it, you either need to cool it with your friend a while, to get some perspective, or try to let it go. Think about what's upsetting you and try to work on that. You could also try to talk to the offending party and try to figure out why he/she did what they did. If you can fix that bridge you might come out with more friends... Thus spake the man who had very few friends, heh __________________ bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

08-03-2008, 07:45 PM	#9 (permalink)
Spartanx9 Crazy Location: Tucson	To me, what happens between me and my friends is what I look out for. If someone decides to hang out with someone else that might of offended me, it doesn't matter as long as they don't partake in it.

08-03-2008, 07:59 PM	#10 (permalink)
genuinegirly Eat your vegetables Super Moderator Location: Arabidopsis-ville	I am one to avoid drama. Never been in that particular end of a situation. Though I have ceased communication with a couple of friends because they caused pain and harm to multiple close friends. I was motivated to make this action by a combination of signals - boiled down to an intense lack of adult character on their part. __________________ "Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq "violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

08-04-2008, 03:07 AM	#11 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	We are going thru this right now.....neither Dave or I are the kind of people to tell someone who they should or shouldnt associate with. We have someone that has been very hurtful and extremely vindictive to Dave, even going to far as to tell others in the "group" that they had to choose which they were going to me friends with...us or him (please keep in mind that Dave and I are not the ones in the wrong...its the other guy) and sadly all but 2 of them chose the other guy....2 of them were grown up enough to say they were adults, they were not in high school and this guy wasnt going to tell them who to be friends with. We are not ones to say "oh if you hang out with so and so we are terminating the friendship" what we WILL say is....be friends with who you want but please understand why we will not attend any function where the other person is in attendance. Because of that we have not attended many functions lately lol but thats ok. This past weekend the two people that didnt dump us were part of planning a huge family cookout at Stone Mountain and we were the ones invited...and we had a blast I "hear" the other people are extremely pissed off.....all I can say is oh well. __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

08-04-2008, 04:19 AM	#12 (permalink)
Reese Delicious	Kate Jack, You've posted quite a few threads asking different things and I'm wondering are these hypothetical or real situations? To the question, Sometimes you don't know how good your friends are until the relationship is tested. I like to avoid other peoples problems but seeing how my friends act toward other people really make me consider my relationship with them. People are also very unlikely to listen to bad things about their friends. I had a "friend" and was told time and time again they were going to burn me and I just didn't listen but they day they did decide to ruin the friendship I remembered everyone warning me about them. I'm sure it won't be long until your friend gets burned by the same person and realized they should have listened to you. Until then, all you can really do it avoid making yourself look worse than the other person. __________________ “It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick” - Dave Barry

08-04-2008, 06:22 AM	#13 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	Daytime soap operas only bear any resemblance tor real life when we allow them to.

08-04-2008, 09:23 PM	#14 (permalink)
cyklone Crazy Location: Adelaide, South Australia	This is a pretty common circumstance in relationship/marital breakups and most people manage it okay just by not passing on news, gossip etc about either friend. If by "hurt", you mean rape, assault etc I would be disappointed/feel betrayed at my friend maintaining their relationship with that person and say it wasn't acceptable.