amire

This is a direct takeoff of the other thread,"How happy is your marriage?" but I didn't want to threadjack. Mods: if you think that this question should be asked in that thread, just let me know.

A lot of couples posting there say that they are INCREDIBLY happy in their current relationships, but were miserable in previous ones. So my question is simple: what was the fundamental cause of the failure of those original marriages? You were obviously very happy at the start of the marriage, but something must have changed in the years between coupling and divorce. Is there any way that those of us who are still single can avoid this fate?

Unfortunately, I can't inject my own experiences here because I've never been married. I am, however, a young bachelor who's looking to settle down in about 6 years or so, and I'm constantly looking for advice. I guess that I can say that my previous relationship failed because I took too passive a role and tried to constantly please her rather than worry about my happiness, as well.

Thanks!

ShaniFaye

I got married way too young, mostly to get away from my parents who I *thought* were making my life a living hell (turns out that was just MY opinion lol). I married a man that could not be interested in anything but himself. I was 21 he was 19....I was 32 when I learned to say "no, Im doing this for me....not you" I was not at all the same person at 32 that I was at 21...I grew up....he didnt

He has another wife now....she calls me to find out how to deal with him. What do I tell her? I could be a bitch about it, but she is my daughters step mother, I dont want friction. I tell her honestly.....do things for yourself cause he isnt going to....

I remember I had a really bad car wreck, I was laid up for a little while at home....he wore dirty clothes the entire time because he refused to do *womens work* ie...the laundry

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

highthief

Mrs. Highthief Mark 1 and I loved each other OK, we just couldn't live together.

She remains a friend (albeit one with nice knockers) with me and Mrs. Highthief Mark II and our kids play together.

__________________
Si vis pacem parabellum.

robot_parade

Hrm. Good question.

We got married too early, and for the wrong reasons - she was pregnant. :-)
I wasn't exactly the best or most communicative husband. She fucked a bard in the SCA (society for creative anachronism - the guys who dress up as knights and whatnot).

Basically, it shouldn't have been from the start, and it limped along until she crossed the line by cheating on me.

PayUp

Getting married is like making waffles, sometimes the first one doesn't turn out so ya gotta throw it away

__________________
Born to Lose.

StellaLuna

I didn't actually love him like you'd love a life partner, I loved him like you love a pet project. I was trying to fix his misery and we didn't do so well.

__________________
Screw tradition!

mixedmedia

I married my first husband very young. He was much older. I had two wonderful children with him and we slowly grew apart. We are now just good friends.

My second husband took my very real love and devotion for him and warped it, manipulated it, used it in almost every way imaginable. The consequences of our marriage attempted to decimate my little family. But he's gone and we bounced back. Better than ever actually...

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

Lasereth

Thanks for the LOL at work!!!!

Derwood

i got lucky, married young, and am still married. i realize that i'm a minority in this regard

Daniel_

We started out together at 17, and married at 25. We split at 33, divorced at 35.

We were happy together to start with, but fought a lot - my flatmates at univresity used to be shocked if we ddn't have a stand up row at least once a weekend.

I believed that the companionship we shared and the fun we had on trips and at home made up for the arguments, the fact that nothing I did was enough, and the fact that in the end she recoiled from my every touch. I was resigned to no longer having sex, and was basically comfortable and enjoyed her company almost all of the time.

I was constantly frustrated that she refused to use her brain, and she was constantly frustrated that I talked down to her.

Eventually she had an affair, and so I chucked her out, and had a bit of a breakdown.

After a year of being a tart, I met and fell in love with a woman who is at least as clever as me, who is as sexy as a basket of kittens, and who I married.

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

blahblah454

I have not been married, but my last relationship lasted 3 years and does it ever sound like this. We never had sex for like the last 6 months because she would recoil from my touch, and then tell me that I did not make her feel sexy. Basically I couldn't touch her, would get irritated and would stop trying, and she would feel ugly because I would no longer try, I just fed itself. Since we have broken up we have more sex than we ever did dating. Amazingly enough, now that I see her only once a week we are doing great, we talk really well, the sex is amazing, and we can really have fun with each other. So I think we will end up being good friends again, but the sex has to stop eventually, but when it does we still manage to be friends with each other. So I think its going to all okay in the end.

little_tippler

I was not married but lived with someone for 2 years and we were together 3. In the end we broke up because:

Causes -
- two very different people, with different thought processes and goals, though equally smart
- we both had a lazy streak
- we sparked a lot and argued
- we didn't say what we wanted right from the start and were improvising
- we had a sexual problem halfway through the relationship that never quite faded
- I'm very emotional and communicative and he was less open that way

Symptoms:
- he would tell me I was fat and do nasty things to get me to break up with him
- less and less sex
- I became more and more submissive and less myself

The End. / sorry for the hijack, I know it says marriages.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Bruce Vain

It's always easy to blame the other person when a relationship/marriage goes bad. My first wife and I were best friends all through grade school, high school and college. We got married when we were 25, and we divorced at 33.

From my perspective, she went through a serious personality change. She was no longer the funny, bubbly person I enjoyed spending time with. I became the only breadwinner in the family (by mutual consent), and the primary caretaker of our children when I wasn't working. I felt exhausted constantly. Sex was all but nonexistent in the last 15 months of our marriage.

We've been divorced for nine years now, and I still don't understand what happened to her. Other people who know her have commented on it, so I know it's not just me ... but it still makes me sad to see the way she's changed.

jewels

I married my first husband for the wrong reason. I felt I'd done everything and was bored. He came along and wouldn't sleep with me the first night so I figured, here's a nice guy. He loved me, asked me to marry him, so I thought that meant he was The One. Hardly knew him. We threw great parties and both loved foreign films, but had nothing else in common. We argued about everything. I was determined to make it work until I saw my 5-year old daughter's Barbie and Ken interactions, based on what she saw in our relationship. I cried that night, made some plans (rented an apartment and opened a bank account, etc.) and was gone within the week.

Second ex knew how to disarm me and keep me laughing at myself. We rarely fought and communication was good. I became unhappy in our relationship as he began to stay up all night watching SciFi and never wanted to go anywhere as a family. When I expressed my discontent, he told me how content he was with our marriage. I knew what this meant, continued the conversation (over time) and found out our future and retirement goals were not the same. I knew I wanted so much more out of life, so I had to let go.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain