Step Parenting - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

clues_blues · 06-25-2003, 11:25 AM

What, if any, advice does anyone have here for a first time step parent? Any good books or anything I should check into? I don't feel like a natural when it comes to parenting, so I figure I have some learning to do. It can be tough with so many people's feelings involved, and I want to protect all of the relationships as best as I can while still being able to provide discipline etc.

thanks for any advice or direction-
c_b

Nisses · 06-26-2003, 12:44 AM

and diplomacy, you'll need lots of diplomacy.

as for books: sorry, can't really name any.

Just remember you aren't supposed to become their best friend. You'll never teach them any discipline or anything worthwhile if you just come off as their best friend all the time.

clues_blues · 06-26-2003, 11:33 AM

i appreciate your suggestions... there probably is no magikal book out there that can help me regarding this anyways.

c_b

geep · 06-26-2003, 02:31 PM

Ive been a stepchild and a step father. I can tell you that you may be taking on what is perhaps the most frustrating yet rewarding experience of your life. Patience is a must and so is love. Equally as important will be a strong sense of fairness and a desire to be a father. Don't fall into the not my/your child trap. Always treat your family with tolerance and temperament. Good luck!

i8one2 · 06-26-2003, 06:15 PM

As a man and very very strong possibility of being a step parent, I go one only one very Strong rule. Ultimately MOM is the boss! period, she has made the rules for the kids, and although I will suggest, I listen to her for what is best for them. By loving mom and treating her like gold and not acting like their daddy but moms partner and showing them what I do to make mom happy, the kids what to do the same. And I treat them like gold as well, but as a I said, MOM has the total and final say in anything regarding the children I and there to help her not to hinder.

06-27-2003, 08:56 AM

How old is the child? Is the bio-dad around?
My step-daughter was 8 when her mother and I got married, and she understood the situation.
She also had ready access to her dad, and he to her, so there was never any confusion as to who was who. I use past tense, because he was killed in an accident a week ago; everything has sort of been in flux since then, and we'll see how it all goes.
But up until that point, we have had no major issues. Her mother laid down rules to her, and has supported me consistently in any discipline. 'Consistency' is the key word there. You and the missus need to be on the same page, always. At least in front of the kids, at any rate.
Never had to deal with the "But my daddy lets me..." stuff, because Mom wasn't having any of it.

As for parenting, I just look back to how I was raised, and apply as I see fit. Again, you and the missus need to have discussed what is expected of the children, and how that is to be achieved.
And you just gotta wing it alot, too. As long as nobody winds up bleeding, yer prolly doing okay...

sierra2774 · 06-27-2003, 10:29 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Melun Jinn
Love and patience. You are gonna need lots of both.

Exactly!! I know someone that might need this advice too, but I think he will be a natural at it.

cdwonderful · 06-30-2003, 10:50 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by sierra2774
Exactly!! I know someone that might need this advice too, but I think he will be a natural at it.

luckily, he has the best mother in the world to help him, aside from the fact that he is charming, witty, sensitive, Humble......

clues_blues · 06-30-2003, 12:30 PM

the father is around and active with the kids (either by taking them about every other weekend or taking them on a dinner dates during his off time) but for the most part they are with their mommy and me.

one of the kids is a special needs child which makes things a little tricky, but the real difficulty is with the "normal" child who feels a little shafted in the attention department. i think that is likely the source of many issues - that and having to deal with a divorced mother and father.

there are so many variables, but i will try to heed the good advice i have gotten here thus far. i think i still need to go to the library and search the net to see if i can find any more "how-to" resources even though i know there are no one-size fits-all techniques.

thanks everyone - gotta love the TFP.
c_b

06-25-2003, 11:25 AM	#1 (permalink)
clues_blues Tilted Location: 3 feet high and rising	Step Parenting What, if any, advice does anyone have here for a first time step parent? Any good books or anything I should check into? I don't feel like a natural when it comes to parenting, so I figure I have some learning to do. It can be tough with so many people's feelings involved, and I want to protect all of the relationships as best as I can while still being able to provide discipline etc. thanks for any advice or direction- c_b __________________ nothing to see here

06-26-2003, 12:44 AM	#2 (permalink)
Nisses Shade Location: Belgium	and diplomacy, you'll need lots of diplomacy. as for books: sorry, can't really name any. Just remember you aren't supposed to become their best friend. You'll never teach them any discipline or anything worthwhile if you just come off as their best friend all the time. __________________ Moderation should be moderately moderated.

06-26-2003, 11:33 AM	#3 (permalink)
clues_blues Tilted Location: 3 feet high and rising	i appreciate your suggestions... there probably is no magikal book out there that can help me regarding this anyways. c_b __________________ nothing to see here

06-26-2003, 06:15 PM	#5 (permalink)
i8one2 COMPLETED and A TRAINER Location: BEAN_TOWN	As a man and very very strong possibility of being a step parent, I go one only one very Strong rule. Ultimately MOM is the boss! period, she has made the rules for the kids, and although I will suggest, I listen to her for what is best for them. By loving mom and treating her like gold and not acting like their daddy but moms partner and showing them what I do to make mom happy, the kids what to do the same. And I treat them like gold as well, but as a I said, MOM has the total and final say in anything regarding the children I and there to help her not to hinder. __________________ LEATHER, LATEX and LACE "SSC" "Nothing That Gives Pleasure is Bad" Quality is for those who know what they want and are at peace with what they have. "S/M is about emotion; the erotic tension between my impulse toward something and my resistance against it."-- Virginia Barker

06-30-2003, 12:30 PM	#9 (permalink)
clues_blues Tilted Location: 3 feet high and rising	the father is around and active with the kids (either by taking them about every other weekend or taking them on a dinner dates during his off time) but for the most part they are with their mommy and me. one of the kids is a special needs child which makes things a little tricky, but the real difficulty is with the "normal" child who feels a little shafted in the attention department. i think that is likely the source of many issues - that and having to deal with a divorced mother and father. there are so many variables, but i will try to heed the good advice i have gotten here thus far. i think i still need to go to the library and search the net to see if i can find any more "how-to" resources even though i know there are no one-size fits-all techniques. thanks everyone - gotta love the TFP. c_b __________________ nothing to see here

06-26-2003, 02:31 PM	#4 (permalink)
geep Insane Location: Imprisoned in Ecotopia	Ive been a stepchild and a step father. I can tell you that you may be taking on what is perhaps the most frustrating yet rewarding experience of your life. Patience is a must and so is love. Equally as important will be a strong sense of fairness and a desire to be a father. Don't fall into the not my/your child trap. Always treat your family with tolerance and temperament. Good luck!

06-27-2003, 08:56 AM	#6 (permalink)
Big Julie Guest	How old is the child? Is the bio-dad around? My step-daughter was 8 when her mother and I got married, and she understood the situation. She also had ready access to her dad, and he to her, so there was never any confusion as to who was who. I use past tense, because he was killed in an accident a week ago; everything has sort of been in flux since then, and we'll see how it all goes. But up until that point, we have had no major issues. Her mother laid down rules to her, and has supported me consistently in any discipline. 'Consistency' is the key word there. You and the missus need to be on the same page, always. At least in front of the kids, at any rate. Never had to deal with the "But my daddy lets me..." stuff, because Mom wasn't having any of it. As for parenting, I just look back to how I was raised, and apply as I see fit. Again, you and the missus need to have discussed what is expected of the children, and how that is to be achieved. And you just gotta wing it alot, too. As long as nobody winds up bleeding, yer prolly doing okay...