RangerJoe

PUBERTY.

My son is eight and I'm already dreading the talk. Some may think that it's a little too soon to be worrying, but it's not that uncommon anymore for kids to start earlier and earlier. I feel like I even have more reason to worry because my son is a big boy. I'm not talking morbidly obese (though he has some chunk), I'm talking about tall in general. He's in second grade and already 5'1 and 100 lbs. And, it seems to me that the kids that go through as many growth spurts as he has (he went up two shoe sizes in a month. Size eight in men. Gah!), they tend to go through puberty sooner than kids that grow at a more... "normal" rate.

So, here's my conundrum.

I am a single mom. Although there is SOME male support in my family (I have a brother-in-law, a step-dad, and a brother), I feel that although my son loves and looks up to them all, none of their relationships are really all that close to broach an embarrassing subject like puberty. I understand that it looks like it will be me to approach the subject with him, and it looks like I should do it soon before it hits him and he gets too scared to talk about it. I tried talking to my mom for advice... and she was clueless. She didn't raise my brother, and when it was time for my sister and I to get the talks, we watched videos in school. I'm not even sure if they do that anymore, and if they do, I have a feeling that 5th grade might be too late.

This is what I'm asking, in a nutshell. How would you approach the subject of puberty, specifically with a boy? Would you approach it differently with one that has basically had no close male bonds?

(Side note: If this seems like I'm rambling a little, it's because my cold medicine has me a little loopy... woooo. )

match000

hand him a computer with internet access, don't monitor it, and watch how fast he learns! put a quick link to wikipedia to help him along

Manic_Skafe

I think that as long as you're honest and completely open then you're more than qualified enough to talk to your son about anything - let alone what's going on in his pants once he hits puberty.

I'd like to hope that the relationship between me and my child will be so that they'll always be comfortable enough to ask whatever they want and maybe even internalize my beliefs. Hopefully sex will just be another one of those things we talk about.

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RangerJoe

I honestly don't know a lot about what happens to a boy through puberty. Hair growth, acne... that kind of stuff I know. But, isn't getting wet dreams part of it? How the hell do I approach that? And, I'm sure there are other topics that don't happen to girls that boys go through.

Manic_Skafe

I've never had a wet dream.

I don't think that any of the generalized ways of approaching the subject of puberty work because it's different for everyone. Maybe you should read this just so that you aren't surprised by anything.

But I really do that that you should be much more concerned with ensuring that the relationship between you two is founded upon open and honest communication. As long as it is then tackling the issue of puberty should come much easier than you'd imagine.

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Shauk

to me, puberty was just hair.

it never was a bit deal. oh well.

JStrider

I never had wet dreams... course I masterbated starting before puberty

I mostly just grew hair and became more interested in women


I never really got much of a talk, but there were 2 sets of "sex ed" classes... one in 4th or 5th grade that covered puberty, then in 7th or 8th that was actual sex ed about sex.

just makes sure he gets something better then abstinence only sex ed, even if you have to fill in those gaps yourself.

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Sharon

I'm not a parent but I'm thinking that educating yourself about everything that goes on in puberty (to both sexes) might be a first step. The fact that you know what's going on will make it easier for him to talk to you about it, since you'll be less uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Tirian

There are plenty of good books on this topic. Why not borrow one from your local library, read it yourself first, then read it together.

highthief

And in this corner, the winnah and still champeen of common sense ... Sharon!

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MuadDib

It's been my experience, through single friends with children, that boys are a bit easier to have 'the talk' with than girls. They tend to be more interested (read: clueless and wanting to learn) than young girls. On the other hand, the ones that I know had some close male figure to at least sit in on the talk to make the boy feel less awkward.

The best advice I can give you is to get the ball rolling, be honest and don't get too clinical. Once the ball is rolling try to get him asking questions and then sit back and answer; make it more of a Q&A than a lecture if you can. That way he feels like he is in charge of the conversation and almost coming to you for advice instead of that typical awkward birds & the bees thing.

Let me ask, have you noticed him taking interest in any specific girls? Because if so, I would advice resisting the temptation to strike up the conversation that way bringing up names at all. It can be very embarrassing for a man of any age to have to be forced to confront his feelings for a girl before he is ready to.

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Willravel

I half raised my little bro. For me it came down to true honesty wrapped in good intentions and a respectful manner in delivery. When you create an open dialogue, they're more likely to open up when it's important.

noodle

My parents used Where Did I Come From and What's Happening to Me with all three of us to start the discussion. We giggled and then felt okay coming to my parents with questions. Of course, pmy brother got busted for taking them and a National Geographic with naked African women in it to school. But even as goofy as they are, it kinda took the edge off of the embarrassment.

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Ustwo

My parents were pretty bad at sex ed, and I didn't have the internet to fall back on, yet I figured it all out.

Don't worry to much about it.

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RangerJoe

Rest assured, I do not lack common sense. (;

This is true. I thought I might also get some second opinions on the whole thing. (:

I probably am worrying about it too much. It helps to know that the guys here didn't see it as that big of a deal.

ASU2003

It depends on how your relationship with your son is. While it is important that he gets understands safe sex and all, that won't be for a few more years yet. For the basic changes, they aren't that major and he will figure them out on his own. If you have a policy of not monitoring the internet/computer, the information that he would want is out there.

The two bits of advice I would have is that you can do more damage if you embarrass him or make him uncomfortable (or if you are uncomfortable talking about it, or he thinks he shouldn't bring it up with you). There are many of us who got no talk from the parents and turned out just fine. The other thing is you may want to talk to him about relationships or just some basic things in that area.

Lucifer

Well, you and Shauk seem to be buddies, and seeing how puberty was no big deal for him, why not fly him out and he can do the talk with your son?

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Derwood

he'll only be embarrassed by puberty if you are embarrassed by puberty

genuinegirly

I second the idea of flying Shauk out for the chat.

Sounds like you're on the right path already. You are interested in talking to your son, rather than sheltering or confusing him. You've noticed his development, you're willing to learn and help him to learn. Now seems to be the time to get comfortable talking to your son like he's a man, and by the by introducing him to the concepts of puberty and development that he'll face in the next few years.

As a total side note, I recommend teaching him how to dance. I have no idea why I'm suggesting this - just seems like a good excuse to spend non-threatening alone time with your son. Getting him comfortable chatting seems to be the key.

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Milnoc

Check out a book called "It's Perfectly Normal". I haven't read it myself (too late to help me ), but the opinions I've read about it are pretty encouraging. Liberal minded groups praise it for its honesty and its frank discussions and depictions of puberty and human sexuality, and ultra conservative groups consider it pornographic.

If you do buy the book, make sure you read it wit great interest in front of your son. When he asks what you're reading, tell him "it's a book on how you're going to change in the next few years", but don't let him read it just yet! Tell him you're not done with it, and that he can read it once you're finished.

From time to time, look inside the book, look at your son, giggle, and say "cool!" Then put down the book. Do this before he hits puberty, otherwise his mood will do a total 180 and he won't react the same way. Corner him while he's still a kid!

No, I don't have any kids, and I don't know if this will work. But I believe if my parents were more honest and less ashamed about sex when I was a kid, it would have avoided my problems with a lot of awkward teenage situations which were truly "perfectly normal".

LoganSnake

Why do you feel the need to approach him with a talk? My parents never had any "talks" with me. I learned everything by watching TV, reading books and encyclopedias and from friends. *shrug*

There's a good old joke.

Dad, to his 12 year old son: "Well, son, it's time for us to talk about sex"
Son: "Sure, dad, what would you like to know?"

Point it, kids have access to information and probably know more than you imagine they do.

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Push-Pull

Of course it's important for him to know about safe sex, but also be sure to let him know that sex often leads to more troubles than it's worth even if done safely.

As far as communicating with him, I must agree with previous posters that the trick is to be able to give him the information in such a way that he will remain comfortable asking you for more information in the future. This means being comfortable yourself with the discussion.

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Lasereth

A+ advice

Why are you embarrassed by the subject? Sit him down and say look, this is what's gonna start happening, don't be surprised if this or that happens, if you have any questions ask me. Why is it a big deal? It's not. It's not even a big deal to your son. It will only be awkward and embarrassing if you make it awkward and embarrassing.

Leto

I have 3 sons. oldest 18, then 15 and then 10.

It's pretty straight forward. if you want me to get into it here, I will. I've have pretty good success as far as I can see.

Martian

I don't think it's that big a deal.

Physical changes during puberty include more body hair (face, arm pits, chest and pubic) an increase in size of the penis and testicles (not a big deal), the voice getting deeper and few other minor changes.

Sex education:

Masturbation is not dirty or wrong, but I think most young boys figure it out on their own. Safe sex is important, but largely destigmatised. Wet dreams have the potential to be embarrassing and even slightly alarming, but not everyone has them. I tend to think of them as a sort of safety valve; guys need to get off regularly, and if we're not having sex or masturbating we have wet dreams instead. It relieves the pressure, so to speak.

Try not to be embarrassed about these things. It's natural, it's part of life and it's not a big deal. This is the message you want to pass on to your son, more than anything else.

For the record, I was raised for most of my younger life with no father figure. Mum never broached the subject with me and I turned out fine; then again, my hunch is that sex education programs are probably more liberal here than in the US, so you might want to look into his school's program before deciding to pass the buck, as it were.

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genuinegirly

Sounds like the few last posters are indicating it's not a big deal with a son. Still, I think it'd be a good idea to start an open dialogue about these things, so he won't be embarassed to come to you later.

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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

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LoganSnake

If you've been honest with him up until this point and open on other subjects, he shouldn't have any problems coming to you with questions if he has any.

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high_jinx

wet dreams= you think you've wet your drawrs or the bed, but it's stickier. thats how you can tell him about that.

besides that, just make sure he knows about freaks/predators, diseases, and that if he screws up (literally), there's a damn good chance he'll have signed on for a 20 year project time and money-wise, and he'll have absolutely no say about it at that point. as a male, he can wait till his 40's to have a kid, so just instill in him that there's no hurry and to make sure he rolls with a jimmy-hat.

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Leto

What she said. 8 years old is still yo ung enough that he will come to you without being embarassed. You just have to treat it factually.

Halx

My parents left a few illustrated sex education books lying around the house. I was a kid -> I found them -> I read them as if I wasn't supposed to -> I grew up well-adjusted.

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match000

that's kind of how i learned too. its oldschool.

newschool is for them to find out over the internet, i bet, most likely wikipedia. the problem with the internet is all the junk that comes wiht it, though.

when i was 8, i only used the computer to play games. had we had internet, i would have hopped on and learned everything about anything -- including sex ed

my only source of instant broader knowledge at home came through "World Book Encyclopedia", which isnt 0.0001% of what you can learn from the internet nowadays

MSD

My mom got me this and I learned a lot from it. I probably still have it around in a box somewhere and if I have kids, I'll probably get it for them (there's one for girls, too.)

serlindsipity

Honestly, talk early, make no threats if he does anything (otherwise he will disclose nothing, and thats dangerous) be frank and use technical terms, and show him the downfalls of being stupid (STD, babies, etc).

you'll do great.

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Conejo

i got a great solution hand him a playboy and say here you go kid enjoy or lie straight through your teeth make stuff up about monsters and the pope

surferlove007

Back in girl scouts there was sex ed and stuff.
My mom and dad never, EVER discussed this stuff.
We went to this True Love Waits thing at church...that didn't take.
I just kind of figured things out myself and through friends.
The classes did help though.

echo5delta

There's a ton of good advice in this thread already, and I'm chiming in with the guys who say it wasn't a huge deal.

(This is yet another area where women have it a bit tougher in life, alas - but that's separate discussion.)

I'd like to also recommend scarleteen.com as well - lots of good resources/discussion there. Too much for an 8 year old, I'm sure, but worth poking around a little.

OR you can just cut to the chase, show him some nekkid people pictures, and repeat Shauk's sigline. I'm pretty sure he could sort it from there.

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Glory's Sun

I have two kids (although quite a bit younger than your son) and I'm not worried about my son at all. The only thing I want to stress (to both) is to be honest and not scared to ask a question. and of course be safe.

boys for the most part figure it out.. hell they've been talking about it forever already anyway.. they have alot to learn and all that but as long as you give him an outlet free from fear, he will be fine.

lotsofmagnets

looking back on my own experience i don´t recal it being a drama at all. guess i always knew i had the support of both my parents and friends if need be and i pretty much figured it all out on my own (hell, it´s instinct.) if you know your son as well as a mother usually does if it´s going to feel awkward talking to him about it he´ll pick up on theawkward vibe straight away and i think it will be pretty futile. perhaps paradoxically if he knows he has your support (my parents always said that i can talk with them about *anything*) he´ll probably figure it all out on his own and save you a lot of effort. perhaps just bring to his attention things like stds although these days most of these issues are well attended to. i think you have nothing to worry about (although as a parent i´m sure you will anyway)

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RangerJoe

Thanks for all of the advice. (: I think what I'm going to do is let him try to figure it out, but educate myself about it in case he comes to me with any questions. That looks like the best road to take.

World's King

I'll talk to him for you.


"You stick this in that. Here's a condom. Have fun."

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