UKking

My thoughts:

Generically: It depends on what you want to do with your life...

There's no way to know, but you'll know when you're ready.
You'll also know when you're not ready.
It's obviously not teachable.
Look at who stays married and who doesn't, who gets married 5 times, who stays with their childhood sweetheart.

It's impossible to decipher.
It's a total crap shoot.

Thinking a little further:

Ya know, lets not forget the massive cultural differences between 100 years ago and now. I'm thinking mostly about gender roles. Women are more independent now, where previously they were expected to follow through with a marriage, entirely despite themselves. Back then, what a man decided is what happened, and there was little room for a wife's determination or opinion within the husband's shadow. There's no such thing as compromise as we know it now, and comparatively little consequence to acting contrary to his wife's wishes. When a man's got that kind of dominance, from his perspective whats the point of divorce?

Look at modern Muslim countries, for instance. Very little occurrence of divorce. It's because men have complete control, so there's little interest in it.

I'm just not seeing this fantasy of the bygone golden age of proper marriage. I don't think it ever existed, unless you're a male chauvinist or misogynist. The good thing, though, is that the more we learn about the culture we're creating, the better we as men and women can learn how to make it work on equal footings for the long term. So that golden age just might happen. Maybe.

Derwood

there is no right answer for everyone. I'm 33 and have been married for almost 11 years. my best friend is 34 and single. we're both perfectly happy with our life situations

savmesom11

I can completely understand the theory that it is different for everyone and is dependent on a person's maturity level. For me I set an age of 30, even as a very mature young adult I knew that the person I was when I was 20 would be vastly different then the person I would be at 30. I also believe that marriage is FOREVER and didn't feel I could make that type of commitment until I had begun to discover who I am. At 40 I am going to be different then who I am today but I believe I am mature enough to share that with a life partner whereas at a younger age I would have been to self absorbed.

I truly envy those that find their life partner at a young age and choose to go through life's stages together; growing and changing. The fact that they have been able to evolve together in a loving and supportive manner is something to be admired.

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* I do not believe that struggles are a sign of life falling apart, but rather a step of life falling into place. *

smoore

Marriage is an outdated concept. If you want to be with someone, be with them. Why get the govt. involved?

That said, I wasn't ready for marriage until I was in my 30's. At 33 she managed to sink her claws into me. I'm happy 5 years later but she's the one I need, I don't need that piece of paper telling the govt. we're married. She did so I acquiesced.

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smoore

little_tippler

One of the main things I think dooms "marriage" or, "making a conscious decision to commit to being in a relationship with one person forever" (as long as that may be for you), is not having talked through what you expect from the "marriage". Too many people go into it with rose-tinted glasses so to speak, and don't actually sit down and say what they would like from the relationship and what they are willing to give for it to work. It seems cold and practical, but it's probably a smart thing to do.

That said, I still agree with the OP, it's a shot in the dark, whether it works out or not.

When I was 21 I'd think to myself that I'd like to have my first child by 27 - only reason I'd have for me to get "married" (in the sense of my definition up top). Because of the generation gap, and because of my kids being able to have me around longer. And also because I thought I'd be mature enough and stable enough financially for it.

I'm going to be 28 in May and there are no "weddings" or babies in sight. I still think that I'd like to have had kids sooner rather than later, but you can't really plan this sort of thing...just take life as it comes. I couldn't care except that we ladies have this little clock inside... mine is faintly ticking.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

high_jinx

i agree that marriage is outdated. really, the only reason i see to do it is to make it more difficult to split up a family you're starting. it's kind of like an extra "check yourself" point before you split up and possibly traumatize your kid.

if it helps you psychologically, i suppose that's fine... but i'm a big advocate of knowing one's self and by extension of that, self control and responsibility, and i hate how much the govt and our society makes people's behavior other people's responsibility.

having a kid is a big responsibility... it's a 20 year project that there's really no backing out of with massive time and financial commitments. overall it's better to have a partnership to deal with that, i'd say up to the point where staying together is actually becoming more harmful than splitting up would be.

in the end, you should be able to look into your own heart and tell whether you're going to love someone the rest of your life, and you don't need a piece of paper from a judge or priest to do that... but if you want to throw a big party about it and drop about a car's worth of income on it... have at it whenever you'd like.

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-my phobia drowned while i was gettin down.

abaya

Well, when the parties involved are from different countries, they can't afford to think of marriage as an "outdated" concept. The US gov't (specifically USCIS) does not consider marriage to be an outdated concept, and neither do most countries in the world. So yeah, marriage may be "old-fashioned" but in terms of global immigration, it's the most efficient way to "be with" your loved one (or get a perfect stranger, in the case of e-mail order brides), quite literally.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Willravel

I'd get married for the legal benefits, but knowing what I know now I don't think the institution is all that reasonable. It seems more a vestige of religious domination over peoples lives. Exclusing religion and governmental benefits, marriage seems to be just for show. I'm cool throwing a massive party for everyone I love to celebrate my SO, absolutely, but exchanging unrealistic vows is disingenuous. Just because I love someone unconditionally today doesn't mean I will 50 years from now, and it's okay to admit that. That doesn't mean I care less now.

ratbastid

Because a wedding is more romantic than a Power of Attorney?

Seriously though: I have two women in my life who I love more than anything. One of them, if she was unconscious in the emergency room, I could go in and see. The other, I couldn't. The difference? I stood in front of a priest with one of them 13 years ago, and I didn't with the other.

Does it make sense? No. But the fact is, marriage conveys certain rights that you don't get any other way.

Willravel

Rat, I've got your back. We could totally take on a few nurses.

abaya

Who says you have to exchange unrealistic vows in order to get married? Or that you have to exchange vows at all? Last I checked, the minimum requirement for getting married in the US was to stop in at the courthouse on your way home from work, sign some papers, and get a receipt.

Between ktspktsp and I, we wrote our own vows and attempted to make them as realistic and reflecting of our relationship as possible. Not a single word came from a religious text. We did not say "till death do us part." For us, that's what we wanted... and we got married by some pagan hippie internet-certified woman who happened to be available that day and did everything that we told her to do. Easy as that.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Xazy

All depends on your background and culture. In orthodox jewish communities, you are talking about people in early 20s considered old maids. It is a cultural thing and no straight answer.

Derwood

you are some jaded motherfuckers

abaya

Hey, I got married 3 times to the same guy (3 different cultural ceremonies), don't call me jaded!!

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

savmesom11

Guys have it too, my BF's is so loud it keeps me up at night.

__________________
* I do not believe that struggles are a sign of life falling apart, but rather a step of life falling into place. *

Willravel

Abaya just kicked my ass.

Well played!

SteelofUtah

In addressing this I am 27 and My wife is 21 we have a Son. Being Married was the only way to Legally protect BOTH of them should I die while working. Many comapanies still do not acknowldge Domestic Partnership even if it is a Hetrosexual relationship.

Marriage is a State of mind as well because my wife and I are Poly and in that we are open additional relationships INSIDE our marrige where we basically have a partner who is involved with both of us.

Some consider this cheating or sexual perversion we know that we love each other and enjoy the company, sexual and otherwise, of another partner.

Marriage is in my opinion simply taken too lightly these days when people get married just to show they want to be with one another then divorce just as easily because they can. I think marriage should come with MUCH more responsibility.

Just my two cents on the situation.

Steel

__________________
~~~Nothing worth Having in this life will ever come easy, but just because something is hard does not mean it is something worth having~~~

abaya

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Plan9

Abaya,

Hey... I saw ya drivin' yesterday.



No shit!

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

ngdawg

You're a hopeless romantic....
There's also the "finding a life partner, go through life's stages and find out that you handle them so differently as you're growing and changing that any evolution together would be virtually impossible, rendering any love and support nil."

Marriage licenses should be like every other license-renewable by choice.

smoore

Hrm. I don't recall saying marriage was unnecessary, simply outdated.

Although I think giving married couples tax breaks and other benefits is silly I'm fully enjoying those benefits. Here in CO we could still file taxes as married even without the license. We got a license because it made sense due to my step children and her ex. The court doesn't like people living in sin.

re: death while working: I had a will before I ever got married.

re: wedding more romantic than court order: We are Atheist. No churches for us in any case. We had a secular, outdoor ceremony presided over by a gentleman that I'm not sure how he got ordained. He was the mayor of Silver Plume, CO at one point and that's good enough for me. Funny thing is, we had to get the government's permission before the ceremony was "legal" and binding. I don't understand the intrusion of the state in this very personal matter. No blood test or anything, just pay the fee and sign here, please.

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smoore

dc_dux

Isnt there a "right" age and a "left" age.

Righties get married younger (the "no sex before vows" commitment rushes them into it)

Lefties get plenty without the ring...so they make that last grand leap later.

__________________
"The perfect is the enemy of the good."
~ Voltaire

Aladdin Sane

My politics are conservative and I got married at 30. My wife was 24. We've been married almost 20 years.
There's no way I could've been married earlier. I would have wrecked it fer sure.

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Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

Ustwo

My friend who worked for moveon.org got married a year before I did.

The difference is they have no kids, I have two.

Good luck in that 2020 election

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dc_dux

Ustwo...it was a joke.

Lighten up....loosen your tie...dress down a bit

__________________
"The perfect is the enemy of the good."
~ Voltaire

Seer666

Are you still alive? Then you are to young.

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Bad spellers of the world untie!!!

I am the one you warned me of

I seem to have misplaced the bullet with your name on it, but I have a whole box addressed to occupant.

abaya

Oh man, thank you, Cromp. You just started off my day with a... bang.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran