medlar

This has been argued and speculated and maybe even proven wrong. There are plenty of single mums that do a fine enough job with raising their kids to be responsible members of society..In an ideal world you have both a mother and father. This is not an ideal world though.

What are the most important issues in raising a boy? Do boys need a father figure in their life? Why would a boy become resentful of this if he does not have this. He see the mother is under-estimating how important this is.

The mother's resentment of him will not gain any respect toward her from her son. If she withholds information he will always have questions about who he is. Does he have a right to know or is it the mother's choice. Could he ultimately take her to court and demand this from her for his own health reasons.

A father figure is to show masculinity and knowledge from his own expereinces to guide his son. a strong figure to look up to and learn from.and to acknowledge certain "rites of passage" that couldn't be shared with a mother. Do you think a boy will act out more without him in his life? Like turn to vandalism, drugs, sex at an early age?

I understand that any father of a daughter will want some information about the boy she's seeing..I had an awkward moment with my gf's father one painful dinner at her house. He was asking me all manner of questions. Most I could answer I think to his satisfaction..like part reason on why Im in canada and finishing school..but I couldn't give him answers to questions that really weren't his business concerning my immediate family (consisting of myself and my mum whom I no longer live with..and it went seriously downhill. I sensed he though me less of a person for his daughter. There has always been something missing and it was suddenly a difficult moment to glibly say he wasn't in my life. This once again raised the usual questions and resentments and I though it would be interesting to see how other people here might see how important or not a father figure in a boy's life is. I can take both sides agreeably, but in my heart I think a boy is missing out on a lot of important moments in his life. And whether this affects me later on in adulthood as a father especially..or even now in a relationship.

Give me your views if you please. Thanks

medlar

..nobody is going to touch this one it seems. Still I think any child would do far better in life with both parents.

kurty[B]

I agree to this statement. There is so much involved in each parenting dynamic that saying "this is the way it should be" just doesn't work. In the dynamic of every child should have both parents in the same home. I do not think that is the case. I think every child should be able to have the involvement of both his parents in the life.

But, if his dad is abusive, or mom is a avid drug abuser I do not believe a child should be forced to deal with the problems of his other parent. It's a hard road to tread, there is no one answer, there is no right answer that simply engulfs every circumstance.

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In the Absence of Information People Make Things Up.

snowy

I once tried to date a guy whose parents had divorced when he was very young, and he had basically grown up without a father figure. It didn't go well. He couldn't relate at all to my family dynamic, and I couldn't relate to his. I couldn't understand why he was attached to his mother in the ways he was, and he couldn't understand how my father wanted to look out for me and protect me. He also didn't understand why my father would no longer talk to him after he broke up with me the first time.

I would say it's difficult in general for men without father involvement to relate to a family dynamic with father involvement, and vice-versa.

This has to change, of course; we're seeing more and more non-traditional families without father involvement, or mother involvement in some cases. We shouldn't think less of those who have different families, but we should be aware of how those different family dynamics affect our other relationships.

I would guess what you are seeing, on some level, is the father looking out for his daughter. I'm 25, and my dad STILL does that. He's much more accepting now than he used to be, but my mother had to talk to him on more than one occasion about it. Now he buys my boyfriend's favorite beer for when we visit. So, you never know. Dads change.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Charlatan

My Mother left my father when I was about six months old. While I met my father when I was younger than two, I have no memory of these meetings. Something happened between them and I didn't meet my father again until I was about nine.

As a result I was raised by my Mother. I don't feel like I missed anything. I will admit that before my son was born, I was a concerned that I had no role model for being a Dad. I quickly learned that it wasn't important. From my Mother, I had learned how to be a parent.

As for getting weirdness from my various girlfriend's parents... I never had any experience with this other than the usual once over that all parents give prospective suitors.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

jewels

I don't know i he'd be more or less likely, but I see it as irrelevant since siblings from the same family often turn out different. One child might be a neurologist and the other might end up in jail or on the streets.

I doubt anyone would disagree that a role model is always important. But when we're lacking something, we have ways to make up for it. You probably found other men who became role models to you, whether they were sports figures or philosophers.

I also think that our own awareness and ability to look at how the imperfections of our youth have affected us allows us to move on and not have to suffer as a result. The fact that you question this is a good thing. As far as your relationships, or parenting in the future, you now have the power to be the man and father you want to be.

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We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

medlar

These are good perspectives on growing up fatherless (thanks for responding) and managing it without making me feel totally gypped. I had been wondering, now that I'm an adult (debatable) whether this expereince or lack of has shaped my character whether a guy who grows up without a father exhibits certain character flaws or atributes. I felt kind of doomed to have reaching gender identity issues. Maybe I'm more sensetive than I would have been. I don't know if my lack of a father sepcifically caused any any traits or lack of apart from possibly inheriting type one diabetes and a short stature I think that having only a maternal figure may have made me more than half of what I could have been. She was the only reference for my development when she was no more than a teenager. I attributed it to the lack of a male presence. One of my biggest complaints about the whole deal is talking about it. It's impossbible to say anything without either the "oh another sob story, poor thing", I got out doing a family lineage tree at school or at least doing only half of it with a good mark! or as I expereinced someone finding a flaw on my character..ie gf' dad. That was clear enough, he didn't approve.

As for growing up I was seeing all the boys getting claps on the back for scoring a goal at soccer and going off on camping and hikes..I did feel that the other boys had some access to male knowledge that I didn't have like kicking around a soccer ball, shaving, picking up girls and it was a pretty big deal as I hit fifteen. As a boy you want to be masculine and if you were anything less in my school and neighbourhood you'd get the crap beaten out of you, which lead to two suspensions from school.

Later I sort of fell into the guy related things, like my attempts at shaving, (not having much luck as I'm shredding my face) losing my virginity (a fumbling affair) without having anybody really tell me how or at least warn me about. I have been living with my uncle and he's a great guy and the closest to almost calling Dad, and I've had lots of "uncles" come and go in my life..(on my mum's side) and my aunt along with two girl cousins under nine yo both are extremely spoiled and somewhat intrusive. I've been with them under their charge for close to over a year now while I finish school and wait for my mum to sort things out without dragging me down if I were still in Glasgow. I am lucky to have this, it's improved things for me in ways I couldn't even start on back home. I still don't have the comfort level on getting into personal issues with them. Yet. I think he likes having another male in the house. They have brass taking me on.

I often just run the same questions through my head.. how would I be different if iI'd been raised with a dad and how would she be different. I feel that the possibitly of becoming a father myself (not any day soon) is something I take more seriously.

My mum was and is random crazy, addicted and emotionally distant. She had me at sixteen and after two years of my grandparents help on her side of course, she moved us out to municipal houseing. I think she might have gone blue in the face trying to raise me and probably resentful of losing out on her teen hood. She never told me anything about who my father might be and that was the way she wanted it, and it started alot of volatile fighting between us.

Long and lengthy so I'll conclude this. Sorry its a great way for me to gain some other peoples advice and take in giving me a better understanding and some comfort, well assurance. Things I'm thinking on now will probably come back later on. Deep issues are usually never solved, but I can learn to revisti them and sse them in a different light as I grow older and hopefully wiser, and less frigging obssessed enoug to write an essay on it.

Thanks for the input and even more, if you've managed to read up to this point I offer a standing ovation of appreciation . Cheers!

Ow my fingers are cramped, my arse is numb, I'm late for school but my head is cleared. Its all good.

On the other hand maybe missing out is better than having had.