joeyaz

Okay I'm 26 years old. I am constantly feeling pressure to "settle down" Whenever I date someone new my mom is always thinking its marriage material and she wants me to have kids already. All my friends are settled already. Most are unhappy I suspect but they got someone.

I'm kinda looked at as a crazy single guy who won't ever settle down. All my friends girlfriends hate me cause I'm single and I'll get their boyfriends in trouble lol

I don't have a problem with settling down when I find someone and I have had a few close calls but I'm still looking...anyone else in the same boat? I always feel like I need to find some new single friends to go out with. Is it bad to "settle"

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Formerly Jbleed

Punk.of.Ages

I'm only 21 and I kinda feel the same way. All my friends are or are getting married, having children, so on. I even went and got married myself, and that only lasted a few months. I wasn't ready. With that experience behind me, I don't recommend "settling" to anybody. Life isn't a race. Especially when it comes to wife, children, and well, you know, life stuff. I think you should just forget the pressure and do what you need to do for yourself.

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"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

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Ustwo

If you are looking for that perfect woman forget it, she doesn't exist. There were times while dating when I wondered if my wife would be 'the one' and early on even a few times when I thought maybe we should break up, and thank darwin I didn't do that.

If you think shes perfect, she wont' be in ten years of living together. Things change.

So it depends. If you are expecting perfection, then your mother has a point. If you just haven't been with that right woman and there are major issues with the ones you have been with that make them unmarriable, then just keep looking.

Now that I am a parent, I understand the age old 'when are you settling down' question. I waited for kids due to my schooling and I wish now I had started earlier. Its something I don't think you can 'get' though until you are there. She wants you to 'settle' down, because she thinks its in your interest.

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Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

hrandani

If your life is empty don't try to fill it with marriage.

If your life isn't empty then you wouldn't be lookin' for a girl to marry. Don't listen to your mom, moms never, ever have your best interests in mind.

abaya

QFT. Usually it's their OWN best interests in mind, with a thin veneer of, "Well honey, you know, I'm just concerned about you..."

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

StellaLuna

Do. Not. Settle. Especially when it comes to marriage.

Been there, done that, burned the t-shirt.

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Screw tradition!

Ilow

yup never settle. Always know what you absolutely must have in a partner (going beyond physical is generally a step in the right direction) and always know what you simply cannot tolerate in a partner (for me it is smoking, for others it could be something else). Do not limit the field to "the one" and set out looking for her, as Ustwo mentioned you will never find her. I generally recommend finding someone who you really Like, before you love them, someone who makes you happy to be around, and who you are proud to call yours.
Also, don't fall victim to the everyone else is doing it or the mother's guilt. Make yourself happy with this first, you are the one who has to wake up next to her every day.

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"Religion is the one area of our discourse in which it is considered noble to pretend to be certain about things no human being could possibly be certain about"
--Sam Harris

Plan9

I don't recommend marriage. Half of America agrees. In fact, I recommend living with the person for a long period of time before you consider any silly down-the-aisle crap.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Ninjasideshow

Personally, I got married and am very happy. I do know that it's not for everyone.

If you want to get married just to get married allow me to save yourself some trouble.

1. Get loan for 5-20 grand.
2. Find the nearest toilet
3. Flush all money

Definately not for everyone though.

Ami

That last message was funny. Isn't 26 a little early for marriage? My limit is around 30, but I'm not rushing thanks to my wonderful career

Plan9

So what if it's true?!

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

ItWasMe

Ustwo has a point. But, I would advise waiting until you are with someone that you don't enjoy imagining your life without, after the initial infatuation stage is over. Someone you actually look forward to seeing every day, instead of someone you feel you could put up with most of the time and be happy with a small percentage of the time. Forever is a long, long, long, looooong time to promise to someone when you are only "settling."

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"Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez

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Charlatan

Marriage doesn't have to be forever. Let's face it, people change. The person you marry may not be the same person you are married to in ten years. They can and will change.

I don't see why people should get hung up on marrying for life. Happily ever after is a fairy tale.

I am not saying it can't happen, just that our expectations are often out of whack with reality.

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- Old Man Luedecke

surferlove007

Well jesus...mr. negative.
That's not everyones story


I agree with the other people, have fun finding that special person.

Infinite_Loser

Ummm... A bit bitter, perhaps? What's the point in getting married, or even contemplating it, if you've already made up in your mind that it won't be forever (Well, until one of you dies, anyway)? Not a dig at you, but one could attribute this kind of attitude to the increase in divorce rates.

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I believe in equality; Everyone is equally inferior to me.

Charlatan

I think you have missed the point (perhaps I was not clear in making it).

1) I wrote that marriage *doesn't* have to be forever. I did not say that marriage is *not* forever. Many people get very hung up on waiting for Mr. or Mrs. Right. Some are too hung up on the idea that marriage *has* to be forever.

I have seen people who have waited too long to find the *perfect* person. They've waited so long that they ended up being alone... forever.

I have also seen people *stay* married when what they really needed to do was get out of a crappy marriage.

So when I say that people shouldn't get hung up on marrying for life... I mean it from both sides of the coin. I feel that we have been weaned on tales of happily-ever-after and the whole myth of romantic love that we lose sight of the fact that marriages, like any relationship is fueled by love but also by a lot of work.

2) I have been married for 15 years and with my wife for 20 years total. We are both very (very!) different from who we were 20 years ago. Change is inevitable. We have been lucky enough to change and grow together. I know at least three other couples that were married around the same time as we were... they are all no longer married to each other.

Not bitter at all. Just pragmatic.

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Plan9

Didn't seem like a mystery a me. Maybe divorce activates those neurons.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

LoganSnake

Couldn't disagree more.

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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

Ustwo

I have to back up Charlatan here, hes 100% correct on both counts.

I've seen those waiting for that someone amazingly special wonderful and they end up alone or finally settling for someone far less than they should have out of desperation. I have a few examples of this but the most sad one to me is a family member. Hes a great guy, always had attractive girl friends, always wanted a family, but never could find 'the one'. Well now hes mid 50's , childless, developed a health problem, and has settled for a long term relationship with another sad sack with no chance of having a family.

And obviously people DO change over time. Old saying is a woman marries a man thinking she can change him and the man marries a woman thinking she will never change. There is some a lot of truth in that (though men change too). Sometimes it doesn't work and staying together for the sake of staying together is normally the worst for both parties with neither being happy.

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Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

ngdawg

Why are you disagreeing, Logansnake?
Mom (in this case, probably, but it's pretty universal) want either a)what they never had or b) exactly what they have-it depends on whether they themselves are happy or miserable. They start to feel old age creeping in and want grandkids or to dance at their 'baby's' wedding. They don't let go of the mothering they did when we were 5 and needed them, even though they know we're adults with our own minds.
As moms, we don't know what our kids' "best interests" are unless they tell us. Best we can do is hope they're happy; once we start meddling and offering unsolicited advice, we're no longer thinking about them, truly, we are thinking about them providing our joys.

Never rush into marriage or settle. Be happy with your choices, always. If that means dating until you're 50, date until you're 50.
Anecdote: My twin uncles were known far and wide for their choices in beautiful women. Harold was a confirmed bachelor; Leon met a beautiful girl and, rumor is, her parents 'paid' him to marry her. Fast forward 35 years...she's psychotic, bipolar and so doped up all the time, she's a zombie. Still beautiful, though, even at 60. Leon's miserable, has health problems like mad. Harold has been living with the same woman for almost 30 years, never married and hasn't changed a lick.

LoganSnake

Because my mom has never done anything for me that was for her own reasons. Nor has she ever pushed me into something because she wanted it to happen. I have one of those rare moms that give advice only if it's in my or my sister's interest. This is often accomplished by first listening to what I want to do and then giving advice on that instead of her own thing. However, listening to that advice is optional and she realizes it. Truth is, she's often right.

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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

Dammitall

I wish this, in my opinion, extremely healthy perspective were shared by more of the people that I know.