aeturnum

I realized a while ago that I have no idea how to talk to people I don't know. I'm a pretty typical introvert: I have a small circle of friends and spend time doing things that interest me (reading, games, school). But the friends I've had for years (high school mostly) are starting to drift apart and I've realized I want to / have to make new ones.

I have no problem with the begining of a conversation - I introduce myself, ask about the person's major (safe bet at college), maybe how things are going and then...what? It seems too heavy-handed to launch into some political / philosophical diatribe, but I don't really know what else to do. Most all of my social interaction goes on with close friends, and I'm a fish out of water at first meetings.

Note - I'm not asking about business-related relationships, but personal ones. I'm trying to figure out if the other person is on the same "wavelength" as I am, not sell myself to them.

How do you talk to new people?

snowy

Dale Carnegie's "How To Win Friends and Influence People" taught me a lot about talking to other people. And yes, some of Carnegie's advice is business-oriented, but it's absolutely applicable to personal relationships as well.

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Willravel

Just let it flow and try not to think about the fact you're in a conversation. Concentrate on the subject at hand and let it flow... and practice makes perfect.

I talk to everyone despite being an introvert. I had an hour long conversation with a homeless man named 'Spooky' like a week ago that started with him asking for change. I bought him a burger and we just talked. He used to work on a refinery of some kind, but fell on to hard times after starting to lose a battle against an illegal drug addiction.

When I need to recharge my batteries, though, I sit in my chair in my bedroom and read or listen to music. Alone.

Chiyachan

aeturnum, You're not the only one. Try to find something that interests you both. I've never had many friends, I can't make them, and I struggle to keep them.
So I go on the interweb, meet people interested in anime/manga and gaming, then we eventually meet up, and the convo is good.
But... Then again.. Some wise old geezer once said, "People who don't need people are the happiest people!"

Ustwo

If I could go in a magical time machine back to college, I would be sure to never ask, 'whats your major'.

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soma

I'm a senior in college now and can talk to new people pretty easily now. My history:
1. Bullied in high school
2. No friends in high school
3. Absolutely no social skills

So basically I know what it's like to not having ANY social skills. When I got to college, it really was like fishOutOfWater. Here are some things to get conversations started.
1. Major
a. what made them want to do it
b. what they plan to do with that degree
2. Classes
a. how is the professor
b. is it easy or hard
c. upcoming tests or papers
3. Where they live
a. roommates
b. is it nice/convenient
c. how's the commute
4. Their weekends

The above topics are pretty fluffy, but help get things moving. I think the most important thing to do is to get them to talk about the people in their life. I've posted about this before, but I still think it's really important. Get them to a level in the conversation where you can "neutral gossip". Get them to talk about the people in their lives in a neutral way. Not bad gossip, just neutral gossip. When you talk about other people with someone, it builds ... a weird but friendship level bond. That's how I do it. Seems to work ok, but I know my social skills can still really be a lot better. Anyone have comments on this post?

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waltert

I'm sitting back and waiting for more advice to roll in! hahaha.

hrandani

I always hate to ask the major question but I have yet to think of a decent failsafe alternative for when the conversation dies. And oh, it will.

inBOIL

No offense Will, but speaking as a fellow introvert, this is one of the most annoying things someone can say regarding difficulty with conversation. When it comes to conversation, I'm like the plal-doh fun factory; without constant pressure, nothing comes out. If I'm not devoting a lot of attention to what I'm saying and how I'm saying it, then I'm not saying anything. It's hard to let it flow when there is no flow.

nonplussed

Never ask a question that can be answered with a one word answer. That doesn't just mean yes or no questions. For example, don't ask "What's your major?" Ask, "How did you happen to choose your major?"

I don't know about Dale Carnegie, but the idea of reading a book on the topic is a great idea. Check out these examples from an Amazon search I just did:


I read the first one at the top of the list, Conversationally Speaking, and thought it was pretty good.

cyklone

generally, if you take the trouble to actually listen to what people are saying instead of thinking about what you are going to ask or say next, you will find it will just flow. Frequently people find the experience of just being listened to so novel that they will talk your ear off.

MSD

The big thing is that you need to ask open-ended questions. If you ask a yes/no question, you're not going to get a conversation. Conversely, if you're asked a yes/no question, expand on your answer to keep it going.

Ask what kind of music they listen to. If it's what you like, you have something in common; if it's something completely different, ask them to describe it and recommend a few bands for you to try listening to. It's a good way to expand your horizons and find new concert buddies.

Same as above, but with movies. "I saw a commercial for ___ the other day and it looked funny/good/whatever," have you heard anything about it?" (or, "You think it will be any good or did we see all the funny parts in the commercial?")

What are they wearing? Anything unique? Anything that's probably worn to draw comments and questions (what's with the tophat and powdered wig?) Any band shirts, patches on bags, etc? Are they carrying an instrument?

No religion or politics until you know them.


If you're not much of a people person, you can sit in a public area and listen to public conversations to give you ideas of what people usually talk about.

ryfo

My wife has the same problem, she tries to keep the conversation away from her because she doesnt work as she has mental health issues and cant work out how to answer the 'what do you do for a living' question. We dont have kids and once she says she hasnt got a job, most people go quiet.

Cyborg Ninja

Oh God, don't EVER talk about politics to strangers if you're trying to befriend them. What a horrible idea. Some other users have mentioned a few good ideas. Try not to have an end goal in mind when speaking to another person. Do it naturally and see what happens. Talk about things you might have in common, like recent movies or popular TV shows. Slip in funny quips about your life. Oh, and definitely don't ask "What's your major?" How tacky.

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Plan9

Hahahaha!

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analog

What he said. Bolding is for my own extra emphasis.