girlfriend's grandfather just passed and not sure how to react - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

1337haxor · 04-03-2007, 06:30 PM

My girlfriend's grandfather just passed away in the hospital after 4 days in the ICU. Her entire family is devastated and freaking out. She called me earlier today crying when they had to put tubes in him and called me again a few minutes ago to tell me of his passing.

I've had family members die, but my family had always handled things differently. Maybe it's the way we were brought up, but we all understand death is part of life and that there is nothing you can do when it's time. We know that the family member had a happy life and we all move on. We aren't religious at all (I'm atheist), but the older members of my family are somewhat spiritual (buddist beliefs to be exact). My grandmother doesn't have much time either, but she's not afraid of death and lives her life as happy as she can. If she were to pass away, I would of course be sad, but I would know she was happy and had a big family be there for her most treasured moments.

I'm just kind of shocked in a way how my girlfriend's family is reacting and I'm not even sure what to say or do for her. I told her I was really sorry to hear and that I would be there for her when she needed me. I'm dropping my plans tomorrow night to see her. I'm don't want to come off as insensitive or anything when I see her. I'm not sure how to handle the situation because of the differences my family has always delt with this issue.

I feel really bad for her and her family because she told me her grandfather was really scared of dying. It wasn't pretty either when he passed, but luckily he wasn't conscience for it. Her family also kept her grandmother at home and in the dark about how bad it was until the end.

Dilbert1234567 · 04-03-2007, 06:34 PM

go spend some time with her, she needs company right now. it will take time, but they'll get over it.

MexicanOnABike · 04-03-2007, 06:53 PM

urgh. I know what you're feeling. It sucks when someone dies but apart from being there for them, theres not much you can do or say. give them time to grieve and then try to change the mood by doing something fun. kinda like "let's go bungee jump. it's what he would have wanted. " no? i tried.

Bill O'Rights · 04-04-2007, 04:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1337haxor

I told her I was really sorry to hear and that I would be there for her when she needed me. I'm dropping my plans tomorrow night to see her.

It looks to me as though you're doing it.

Emotions can run a pretty broad spectrum when it comes to the death of a close family member. Just be patient. Be respectful. But above all...be there.

Oh...one thing though. It may just be in the verbage...but...don't cancel plans in order to see her. Cancel your plans in order to be with her. It does make a difference.

Good luck.

ratbastid · 04-04-2007, 04:39 AM

My wife lost her little brother about five years ago (in fact, we're coming up on the anniversary). I learned a lot about this then, mostly by completely fucking it up.

The most important thing is to remember that whatever she's feeling or experiencing is what she's feeling or experiencing, and there's nothing wrong with any of it. If she's experiencing grief or sadness or loss (and that's very likely), then she needs to be experiencing those things right now. It doesn't mean she'll be that way permanently, but it does mean you don't need to cheer her up or make her feel better. She'll feel better when she resolves it in her own time. For the time being, what there is to do is to accept her feelings, and help her to accept them.

The_Jazz · 04-04-2007, 04:39 AM

To add to the great advice BOR just gave you, I want to add that you just want to make sure that what you do over the next few weeks, where relevant, is about HER and not about YOU. That's what people who care for one another do. Things may be a little strange for a while, but that's part of the grieving process.

fresnelly · 04-04-2007, 05:56 AM

The best way for you to help then is to be the stable one. I don't mean to "show them the way", but literally to help them function. Do the dishes. Sort incoming mail, cards and gifts. Help with Laundry. Walk the dog. Mow the lawn. And so on... Do it patiently and respectfully.

In other words, allow them get through the grieving process by shouldering the burden of daily life. If they are highly emotional people, these sorts of endless tasks can be overwhelming and will double the frustration of their position.

When my wife's sister died a few years ago, it was what just her family needed. Given the chance to focus on their grief gave them the means to heal.

04-03-2007, 06:30 PM	#1 (permalink)
1337haxor Insane Location: PA	girlfriend's grandfather just passed and not sure how to react My girlfriend's grandfather just passed away in the hospital after 4 days in the ICU. Her entire family is devastated and freaking out. She called me earlier today crying when they had to put tubes in him and called me again a few minutes ago to tell me of his passing. I've had family members die, but my family had always handled things differently. Maybe it's the way we were brought up, but we all understand death is part of life and that there is nothing you can do when it's time. We know that the family member had a happy life and we all move on. We aren't religious at all (I'm atheist), but the older members of my family are somewhat spiritual (buddist beliefs to be exact). My grandmother doesn't have much time either, but she's not afraid of death and lives her life as happy as she can. If she were to pass away, I would of course be sad, but I would know she was happy and had a big family be there for her most treasured moments. I'm just kind of shocked in a way how my girlfriend's family is reacting and I'm not even sure what to say or do for her. I told her I was really sorry to hear and that I would be there for her when she needed me. I'm dropping my plans tomorrow night to see her. I'm don't want to come off as insensitive or anything when I see her. I'm not sure how to handle the situation because of the differences my family has always delt with this issue. I feel really bad for her and her family because she told me her grandfather was really scared of dying. It wasn't pretty either when he passed, but luckily he wasn't conscience for it. Her family also kept her grandmother at home and in the dark about how bad it was until the end.

04-03-2007, 06:34 PM	#2 (permalink)
Dilbert1234567 Devils Cabana Boy Location: Central Coast CA	go spend some time with her, she needs company right now. it will take time, but they'll get over it. __________________ Donate Blood! "Love is not finding the perfect person, but learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." -Sam Keen

04-03-2007, 06:53 PM	#3 (permalink)
MexicanOnABike Location: up north	urgh. I know what you're feeling. It sucks when someone dies but apart from being there for them, theres not much you can do or say. give them time to grieve and then try to change the mood by doing something fun. kinda like "let's go bungee jump. it's what he would have wanted. " no? i tried. __________________ - Movie Reviews - Ratings-

04-04-2007, 04:39 AM	#6 (permalink)
The_Jazz Asshole Administrator Location: Chicago	To add to the great advice BOR just gave you, I want to add that you just want to make sure that what you do over the next few weeks, where relevant, is about HER and not about YOU. That's what people who care for one another do. Things may be a little strange for a while, but that's part of the grieving process. __________________ "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin "There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush "We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

04-04-2007, 05:56 AM	#7 (permalink)
fresnelly Functionally Appropriate Location: Toronto	The best way for you to help then is to be the stable one. I don't mean to "show them the way", but literally to help them function. Do the dishes. Sort incoming mail, cards and gifts. Help with Laundry. Walk the dog. Mow the lawn. And so on... Do it patiently and respectfully. In other words, allow them get through the grieving process by shouldering the burden of daily life. If they are highly emotional people, these sorts of endless tasks can be overwhelming and will double the frustration of their position. When my wife's sister died a few years ago, it was what just her family needed. Given the chance to focus on their grief gave them the means to heal. __________________ Building an artificial intelligence that appreciates Mozart is easy. Building an A.I. that appreciates a theme restaurant is the real challenge - Kit Roebuck - Nine Planets Without Intelligent Life

04-04-2007, 04:39 AM	#5 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	My wife lost her little brother about five years ago (in fact, we're coming up on the anniversary). I learned a lot about this then, mostly by completely fucking it up. The most important thing is to remember that whatever she's feeling or experiencing is what she's feeling or experiencing, and there's nothing wrong with any of it. If she's experiencing grief or sadness or loss (and that's very likely), then she needs to be experiencing those things right now. It doesn't mean she'll be that way permanently, but it does mean you don't need to cheer her up or make her feel better. She'll feel better when she resolves it in her own time. For the time being, what there is to do is to accept her feelings, and help her to accept them.