Five Reasons We Give Up - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Cynthetiq · 03-06-2007, 09:11 AM

Quote:

The Five Reasons We Give Up
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Yes, change takes longer than we thought, and the process is harder. Acknowledging that from the get-go can make a big difference in helping us stick to the plan
by Marshall Goldsmith and Kelly Goldsmith

Why do we set New Year's resolutions that seldom last through January, much less for the entire year? Think about the ones you set for yourself. Have you made any progress? What goes wrong—over and over again?

Most New Year's resolutions are health-related, and my expertise is in helping successful people change their relationship behavior. Yet many of the roadblocks that prevent us from getting to the gym often are the same ones that thwart us in achieving any goal.

Five of the most common reasons for giving up on our goals are listed below. Understanding these roadblocks will help you apply some preventive medicine—and increase the odds that you won't fall into the same old traps.

• Ownership

I wasn't sure that this would work in the first place. I tried it out—it didn't do that much good. As I guessed, this was kind of a waste of time!

The classic mistake made in leadership development, coaching, and self-help books is the promise that "This will make you better!" After years of experience in helping real leaders change real behavior in the real world, I have learned a hard lesson. Only you will make you better! For example, almost any type of workout scheme will provide benefit, if you do it. The ultimate driver for change has to come from inside you—not from the program, book, or coach.

Never begin a change program with the thought "This sounds like an interesting plan. I will just try it out and see if it works." If that's your thinking, it won't work.

To have a real chance of success, you have to take personal ownership and have the internal belief that "This will work if, and only if, I make it work. I am going to make this work."

• Time

I had no idea that this process would take so long. I'm not sure it's worth it.

Goal setters have a chronic tendency to underestimate the time needed to reach targets. Everything seems to take longer than we think it should. When the time elapsed in working toward our goal starts exceeding expectations, we're tempted to just give up on the goal.

In setting our goals for behavioral change, it's important to be realistic about the time we need to produce positive, lasting results. Habits that have taken years to develop won't go away in a week. Set time expectations that are 50% to 100% longer than you think you will need to see results—then add a little more!

• Difficulty

This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. It sounded so simple when we were starting out.

The optimism bias of goal setters applies to difficulty as well as time. Not only does everything take longer than we think it will, it requires more hard work. We all confuse two terms that appear to be synonymous but are actually quite different: simple and easy. We want to believe that once we understand a simple concept, it will be easy to execute a plan and achieve results.

If this were true, everyone who understood that they should eat a healthy diet and exercise regularly would be in shape. As sales of diet books have increased, Americans keep gaining weight. Our challenge for getting in shape as well as for changing leadership behavior lies not in the understanding but in the doing! Understanding is easy. Doing is tough.

In setting goals, it's important to accept the fact that real change requires real work. Making yourself feel good in the short term with statements like "This will be easy" and "This will be no problem for me" can backfire in the long term, when you realize that change isn't easy and that you will invariably face hard challenges in your journey toward improvement. Acknowledging the price for success in the beginning of the change process will help prevent the disappointment that can occur when challenges arise later.

• Distractions

I would really like to work toward my goal, but I'm facing some unique challenges right now. It might be better if I just stopped and did this at a time when things weren't so crazy.

Goal setters have a tendency to underestimate the distractions and competing goals that will invariably appear throughout the year. A piece of advice that I give all of my coaching clients is: "I'm not sure what crisis will appear, but I'm almost positive that some crisis will appear!"

The distraction or crisis may result from a problem, where in other cases it may result from an opportunity. Setbacks let us think, "I just have to take care of this problem first," while opportunities give us the handy excuse "I may never have this chance again." Either can be deadly in stopping us from achieving preset goals.

Plan for distractions in advance. Assume that crazy is the new normal. You will probably be close to the reality that awaits!

• Maintenance

I think that I did actually try to change and get better, but I have let it slide since then. What am I supposed to do—work on this stuff the rest of my life?

Once a goal setter has put in all of the effort needed to achieve a goal, it can be tough to face the reality of what's needed to maintain the new status quo. One of the first reactions of many dieters upon reaching their weight goal is to think, "This is great! Now I can start eating again. Let's celebrate with some pizza and beer!" Of course, this mindset leads to future weight gain and the "yo-yo" effect that is unfortunately so common in dieters.

When one of my high-potential leaders asked his boss, the CEO, the question, "Do I have to watch what I say and do for the rest of my career?" the CEO replied, "You do if you plan on ever becoming a CEO!"

You can either set goals that increase your probability for long-term change, or set goals that may feel good in the short term but lead to disillusionment and giving up in the long term.

Here are the cold, hard truths. Real change requires real effort. The "quick fix" is seldom a meaningful one. Distractions and things that compete for your attention are going to crop up—maybe even more frequently. Changing any one type of behavior won't solve all of life's problems. And finally, any meaningful change will probably require a lifetime of effort.

All of these messages may sound tough, but at least they're reality. And now that you know how challenging setting a goal can be, don't let that stop you. In fact, clear, specific goals that present a lot of challenges tend to produce the best results!

Have the courage to face the truth up front when setting goals. Honest, challenging plans can help you make a real difference—both in your own life and the lives of the people you know.

One of the things that I've tried to do in recent years is understand how I actually change my behaviors. It takes time and commitment, sometimes invovling another person who can just be there to lift your spirits and cheer you on when it gets tough.

Ultimately there is a point where you either make the commitment to change and stick with it. Where that comes from within you is only known by you.

I think it is interesting as I move past my 30s and get ready for my 40s I can see just how much I didn't know in my know-it-all teens and gung-ho 20s.

So far this year, I've changed my life 100% by commitment to change. I know a number of you out there have done somethings as well.

What comments do you have to share about the changes you went through compared to the 5 reasons above?

Lizra · 03-06-2007, 10:07 AM

Nice list!

I might add re-evaluate....some "changes" might be a bit over-rated....

I can think of a few things I have tried that weren't worth all the effort I put into them. Sometimes a little fine tuning, not change was all I needed. Don't beat yourself up if the change didn't work merely because it wasn't really right for you. Little steps do add up!

ngdawg · 03-06-2007, 11:47 AM

My biggest obstacle, I think, is 'distractions'. Personal changes I've made I've done with help, whether professional, like Weight Watchers, or personal, like a mentor. But things like quitting the cigs, I haven't been able to do this time around because of distractions(with interspersed 'maintenance').
The first step in any change is saying 'I will' with commitment. Even when in the midst of making some changes, my mentor would ask, quite pointedly, 'are you sure you will continue this?', not, 'do you want to?'. By expressing the 'there is no turning back now', commitment becomes a more sure thing.
Perhaps 'Desire' could be on a list like that, but that may also come under 'Ownership'.

maleficent · 03-06-2007, 11:53 AM

the biggest change I made in my life recently was all about being ready to do it - that sort of falls under ownership but unless your head is in a certain place -that change isn't gonna happen

jorgelito · 03-06-2007, 11:58 AM

Absolutely - I agree 100% with the "pull yourself up by the boot straps" philosophy the article is espousing.

It's about time we take personal responsibility and accountability for ourselves. All too often, we blame anything and everything but ourselves for our own failures in life.

zingyzaps · 03-06-2007, 12:16 PM

Another biggie in order to move on (part and parcel of changing) is to forgive those who have done you wrong. If not, it is often too easy to simply fall into patterns of blame that absolve you from responsibility from your role in the matter and prevent you from really spending your attention where it needs to be: helping yourself help yourself.

I am huge into personal accountability.

Sultana · 03-06-2007, 12:52 PM

I think a lot of people set unrealistic and vague (not honestly measurable) goals. Instead of, "I'm going to lose 60 lbs and gain flexibility and strength." they say, I'm going to look hot in a bikini by this summer!"

Unrealisticly short time lines also factor hugely into this aspect.

Perspective is a biggie too. One can look at something as, "Dang, we had such a great time, we worked our butts off and got so much done, etc. etc." or
"God, I'm a sweaty nasty mess, I hurt, I'm hungry..."

thingstodo · 03-08-2007, 02:24 PM

The simplest reason that you change your behavior is that you change your beliefs. I think you said that in a round about way when you mentioned commitment. You can't be truly commited if you don't believe 100% and if that is believing something different than you did before, you changed your belief.

a-b=x

Every one of my life changes has been the result of that simple concept. Of course, it took me many years to understand that concept!!

03-06-2007, 10:07 AM	#2 (permalink)
Lizra Insane Location: rural Indiana	Nice list! I might add re-evaluate....some "changes" might be a bit over-rated.... I can think of a few things I have tried that weren't worth all the effort I put into them. Sometimes a little fine tuning, not change was all I needed. Don't beat yourself up if the change didn't work merely because it wasn't really right for you. Little steps do add up! __________________ Happy atheist

03-06-2007, 11:47 AM	#3 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	My biggest obstacle, I think, is 'distractions'. Personal changes I've made I've done with help, whether professional, like Weight Watchers, or personal, like a mentor. But things like quitting the cigs, I haven't been able to do this time around because of distractions(with interspersed 'maintenance'). The first step in any change is saying 'I will' with commitment. Even when in the midst of making some changes, my mentor would ask, quite pointedly, 'are you sure you will continue this?', not, 'do you want to?'. By expressing the 'there is no turning back now', commitment becomes a more sure thing. Perhaps 'Desire' could be on a list like that, but that may also come under 'Ownership'. __________________ Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

03-06-2007, 11:53 AM	#4 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	the biggest change I made in my life recently was all about being ready to do it - that sort of falls under ownership but unless your head is in a certain place -that change isn't gonna happen __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

03-06-2007, 12:52 PM	#7 (permalink)
Sultana Falling Angel Location: L.A. L.A. land	I think a lot of people set unrealistic and vague (not honestly measurable) goals. Instead of, "I'm going to lose 60 lbs and gain flexibility and strength." they say, I'm going to look hot in a bikini by this summer!" Unrealisticly short time lines also factor hugely into this aspect. Perspective is a biggie too. One can look at something as, "Dang, we had such a great time, we worked our butts off and got so much done, etc. etc." or "God, I'm a sweaty nasty mess, I hurt, I'm hungry..." __________________ "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Matt Groening My goal? To fulfill my potential.

03-08-2007, 02:24 PM	#8 (permalink)
thingstodo A Storm Is Coming Location: The Great White North	The simplest reason that you change your behavior is that you change your beliefs. I think you said that in a round about way when you mentioned commitment. You can't be truly commited if you don't believe 100% and if that is believing something different than you did before, you changed your belief. a-b=x Every one of my life changes has been the result of that simple concept. Of course, it took me many years to understand that concept!! __________________ If you're wringing your hands you can't roll up your shirt sleeves. Stangers have the best candy.

03-06-2007, 11:58 AM	#5 (permalink)
jorgelito All important elusive independent swing voter... Location: People's Republic of KKKalifornia	Absolutely - I agree 100% with the "pull yourself up by the boot straps" philosophy the article is espousing. It's about time we take personal responsibility and accountability for ourselves. All too often, we blame anything and everything but ourselves for our own failures in life.

03-06-2007, 12:16 PM	#6 (permalink)
zingyzaps Upright	Another biggie in order to move on (part and parcel of changing) is to forgive those who have done you wrong. If not, it is often too easy to simply fall into patterns of blame that absolve you from responsibility from your role in the matter and prevent you from really spending your attention where it needs to be: helping yourself help yourself. I am huge into personal accountability.