Not a parent rant - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Lak · 02-13-2007, 01:14 AM

I may have seriously disappointed my parents. Allow me to explain.

I can be kind of a cold guy.

I don't really mean to be, of course, I just happen to be highly calculating, highly logical, literal, scientific and empirical. Too add 'emotionally distant' to this list isn't much of a stretch to say the least. I also happen to be moving out of home in two days time.

So anyway, the gist of this tale is that I don't find this a big deal at all - there comes a time, and that time is now - so deal with it. And I am. My parents however, particularly my mother, are not. So when my mother asks "Do you need me to come with you and help you move in?" and I respond "No thanks, I should be fine", I quite genuinely believe she is offering physical assistance, and I am trying to be independent and not be burdensome. Do I, Captain Objectivity, even for a second suspect she is actually referring to some kind of significant parting ritual? Hells no. And so happens (and the more emotionally attuned of you saw this coming ages ago), as embarrassingly explained by my father this evening, she is of course deeply hurt that I just told her that I don't 'need' her while moving out. Shit. I never thought of it like that. (naturally).

Such is my current situation. This is of course one of many many minor incidents involving substandard emotional insight on my part, things that only now I give second thought to. Is she over sensitive? Probably, I am her eldest. Am I cruel and distant? Pretty sure I have been for some time. My question to the older, wiser, and more parentier members of the TFP is this: how do I reconcile shutting out my mother/parents for several years? Hmmm. Help I do obviously need, I can't come up with this emotional fandanglery on my own. It just doesn't come naturally.

So in short, I recognise where I have fallen short of the mark, and likely highly disappointed my parents by growing up cold and unloving, and I really do, truly appreciate all the care and effort both have put into crafting me into a person for 20 years. What can I do to show it. How do I make up for being neglectful. These are the issues.

Thankyou TFP

Lak

ShaniFaye · 02-13-2007, 04:16 AM

You just tell your mother that you took the time to think it over and realize that this is more important to her than you originally thought and you'd love her help

its honest and you take responsibility for not recognizing it and you dont come off as patronizing to her

tinfoil · 02-13-2007, 07:10 AM

Disappointed your parents? Hardly. Hooking up with a crack-whore while doing lines off of her underaged sister's ass may disappoint your parents, but being somewhat "cold and distant" is nothing more than an annoyance. Mother's are a strange bunch and sometimes you don't pick up on the undertones or hidden meanings. Your father can probably tell you dozens of times when he missed the hidden meaning of a question or statement.

Carno · 02-13-2007, 07:51 AM

I'd say just tell them what you wrote here.

You don't need to come up with some convoluted gimmick to tell your parents you appreciate them. You just tell them.

vanblah · 02-13-2007, 08:04 AM

I am what you would call "emotionally distant" my wife and I argue about it a lot; well, she does the arguing

If indeed you are highly calculating and highly logical then you should use those skills to recognize when someone is in need of a little emotional support.

analog · 02-13-2007, 09:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tinfoil

Disappointed your parents? Hardly. Hooking up with a crack-whore while doing lines off of her underaged sister's ass may disappoint your parents, but being somewhat "cold and distant" is nothing more than an annoyance. Mother's are a strange bunch and sometimes you don't pick up on the undertones or hidden meanings. Your father can probably tell you dozens of times when he missed the hidden meaning of a question or statement.

Agreed. And here's the thing: no, you don't need her help. Tell her that you appreciate the offer, and you are thankful for all their help and you appreciate them in general, but you are fine to move out by yourself. You don't owe anyone the ability to come "help" you do anything you're doing on your own. She just wants to be involved, wants to be in your life just as long as she can be. If she is hurt because you simply said you didn't need help, that's her emotional reaction, and not your fault.

Bill O'Rights · 02-13-2007, 09:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carno

You don't need to come up with some convoluted gimmick to tell your parents you appreciate them. You just tell them.

And...BAM, Carno knocks it out of the park for a homerun!

All foolishness aside, Carno's dead on track here. And it ain't too often that I'm going to say those words, so heed them.

ShaniFaye · 02-13-2007, 09:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by analog

If she is hurt because you simply said you didn't need help, that's her emotional reaction, and not your fault.

Its an emotional reaction because no mother wants to be told they are not needed and as an adult you should know your mom well enuff to know that there are some things a MOTHER are not going to react well to hearing....I dont need you is def high on the list

Yakk · 02-13-2007, 10:32 AM

"Mom, thank you -- you have raised me good and proper. I don't need you to help me move in, but do you want to come by for dinner? My treat, I'll cook!"

You probably owe your mom about 18 zillion meals. Get cracking.

Toaster126 · 02-13-2007, 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by analog

Agreed. And here's the thing: no, you don't need her help. Tell her that you appreciate the offer, and you are thankful for all their help and you appreciate them in general, but you are fine to move out by yourself. You don't owe anyone the ability to come "help" you do anything you're doing on your own. She just wants to be involved, wants to be in your life just as long as she can be. If she is hurt because you simply said you didn't need help, that's her emotional reaction, and not your fault.

I came in here to say this, but I would have said it in a funnier and/or better way.

Lak · 02-14-2007, 04:59 PM

Thanks for responding guys. I figured that just out-and-out saying it would probably end up the best course. And yes, Tinfoil, it could be much, much worse

.

Here I go packin up my computer(s).
Thanks for the advice all

02-13-2007, 01:14 AM	#1 (permalink)
Lak Insane Location: New Zealand	Not a parent rant I may have seriously disappointed my parents. Allow me to explain. I can be kind of a cold guy. I don't really mean to be, of course, I just happen to be highly calculating, highly logical, literal, scientific and empirical. Too add 'emotionally distant' to this list isn't much of a stretch to say the least. I also happen to be moving out of home in two days time. So anyway, the gist of this tale is that I don't find this a big deal at all - there comes a time, and that time is now - so deal with it. And I am. My parents however, particularly my mother, are not. So when my mother asks "Do you need me to come with you and help you move in?" and I respond "No thanks, I should be fine", I quite genuinely believe she is offering physical assistance, and I am trying to be independent and not be burdensome. Do I, Captain Objectivity, even for a second suspect she is actually referring to some kind of significant parting ritual? Hells no. And so happens (and the more emotionally attuned of you saw this coming ages ago), as embarrassingly explained by my father this evening, she is of course deeply hurt that I just told her that I don't 'need' her while moving out. Shit. I never thought of it like that. (naturally). Such is my current situation. This is of course one of many many minor incidents involving substandard emotional insight on my part, things that only now I give second thought to. Is she over sensitive? Probably, I am her eldest. Am I cruel and distant? Pretty sure I have been for some time. My question to the older, wiser, and more parentier members of the TFP is this: how do I reconcile shutting out my mother/parents for several years? Hmmm. Help I do obviously need, I can't come up with this emotional fandanglery on my own. It just doesn't come naturally. So in short, I recognise where I have fallen short of the mark, and likely highly disappointed my parents by growing up cold and unloving, and I really do, truly appreciate all the care and effort both have put into crafting me into a person for 20 years. What can I do to show it. How do I make up for being neglectful. These are the issues. Thankyou TFP Lak __________________ ignorance really is bliss.

02-13-2007, 04:16 AM	#2 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	You just tell your mother that you took the time to think it over and realize that this is more important to her than you originally thought and you'd love her help its honest and you take responsibility for not recognizing it and you dont come off as patronizing to her __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

02-13-2007, 07:10 AM	#3 (permalink)
tinfoil Fucking Hostile Location: Springford, ON, Canada	Disappointed your parents? Hardly. Hooking up with a crack-whore while doing lines off of her underaged sister's ass may disappoint your parents, but being somewhat "cold and distant" is nothing more than an annoyance. Mother's are a strange bunch and sometimes you don't pick up on the undertones or hidden meanings. Your father can probably tell you dozens of times when he missed the hidden meaning of a question or statement. __________________ Get off your fuckin cross. We need the fuckin space to nail the next fool martyr.

02-13-2007, 10:32 AM	#9 (permalink)
Yakk Wehret Den Anfängen! Location: Ontario, Canada	"Mom, thank you -- you have raised me good and proper. I don't need you to help me move in, but do you want to come by for dinner? My treat, I'll cook!" You probably owe your mom about 18 zillion meals. Get cracking. __________________ Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest.

02-14-2007, 04:59 PM	#11 (permalink)
Lak Insane Location: New Zealand	Thanks for responding guys. I figured that just out-and-out saying it would probably end up the best course. And yes, Tinfoil, it could be much, much worse . Here I go packin up my computer(s). Thanks for the advice all __________________ ignorance really is bliss.

02-13-2007, 07:51 AM	#4 (permalink)
Carno Junkie	I'd say just tell them what you wrote here. You don't need to come up with some convoluted gimmick to tell your parents you appreciate them. You just tell them.

02-13-2007, 08:04 AM	#5 (permalink)
vanblah Junkie	I am what you would call "emotionally distant" my wife and I argue about it a lot; well, she does the arguing If indeed you are highly calculating and highly logical then you should use those skills to recognize when someone is in need of a little emotional support.