GK.12.3

Hello everybody,
I registered on this web-site because I wanted to be a part of this wonderful community and am really fortunate to be here.
Anyways, I’m 19 years old and am currently pursuing a Psychology degree at a fairly prestigious university in Southern California. Funny thing is, I think I need counseling myself.
I lost my father after graduating from the sixth grade (1999) and have been growing up pretty much without the presence of an older male. Thanks to my strong and courageous mom, I’ve pulled through and have completely stayed away from danger, whether it’s trouble with the law, drugs, etc. My grandmother came from my home country to help us out and she has been our savior. Thanks to her, my mom and I got back on our feet. Things were normal for some time.
Just when I thought dealing with cancer was over with, it struck my family again. For the past six months or so, I’ve been witnessing a brain tumor eat my grandmothers life away, slowly, day by day. Although I’ve dealt with the horrible disease in the past, it just seems a lot harder now…probably because I’m a lot older and am aware of what is going on in a lot more intellectual way.
Watching my grandmother suffer is an unexplainable feeling. My mother and aunt are going through some hard times themselves and being the supportive male, I often hear them but am afraid to express how I feel because I know that’s the last thing they want to hear behalf of myself.
That being said, I’ve been out, driving, and trying to get my mind off of things. For the past 1,500 miles or so, I would go on long runs driving at fairly high speeds, trying to leave the past behind and embark on a new journey. Only thing is, I’d come back home and would fall in a very sad state again. Next day I’d be out again, and whether it was a compulsive act or not, I think it became one.
To make things worse, I got pulled over last night for going 72MPH in a 65MPH zone, my first speeding ticket ever. I know things could’ve been worse, but that incident has got me to think a lot about my life and what I’m doing with it.
I could’ve been in much more trouble with the law, engaged in a fatal accident, or even faced death. As Steve Jobs said, “Cus' you'll have bad times, but that'll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to.” I think I’m waking up, but whether it is from a depressive state or not, I do knot know.
Thanks for listening everyone, will look forward to all of your comments.
-GK

thingstodo

Sounds like you have your shit togethr if you can talk about everything going on in your life like this. That's a good thing! Self-reflection and awareness are very important. Let the speeding ticket be a wakeup call. Driving around in a mindless state isn't the solution.

No matter what, eventually grandmothers and parents leave us behind. It's the way the world works. Honor your grandmother by keeping your wits about you and make all she did for you has been/is still worth it.

__________________
If you're wringing your hands you can't roll up your shirt sleeves.

Stangers have the best candy.

Ourcrazymodern?

GK.12.3! If I could've been half as expressive when I was 19, I'd have been even less worried than I was, I think.
If a speeding ticket is the most serious problem you've had, count your blessings(clear-headedness, responsibility, caring{& I'm guessing more.}), trust your instincts and carry on. I don't believe the weight of the world is supposed to be on your shoulders.
Please deal with it because the world needs more people like you.

__________________
BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

Jinn

Seconded. I had a father, and I got a fourteen point ticket when I was 19.

Thank your mother for raising you well. You sound like you've got a sound foundation to grow on. After all, you'll never be done with death. As many people who come into your life will leave, whether through death or distance.

Acknowledge the good times you have had, and mourn their loss. But you've got a whole world right in front of you.

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

GK.12.3

I appreciate all of the sincere comments everyone.
I'm trying my very best to put a smile on my face. I know diagnosing myself isn't the right thing to do so I'm not even going to bother thinking about it.
Cheers!
-GK

abaya

btw, have you seen the Journal function on TFP? Might be a handy outlet for you, since it's the same format as the thread you've made here... check it out at the top of the screen.

Welcome!!

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

transient

Having been through some hard times at your age, I made the mistake of turning inward to myself and trying to just gut it out. Wrong. You have to start looking at experiences you're having now as building blocks for your future. It's ok to feel sad, to express your sadness with those that care about you, and then move forward. It's a very normal part of the grieving process. Writing is a really good outlet. If your feelings of being depressed persist, I would talk to someone about it. It's not something you want to let go. Best of luck and keep us posted.

Regards, T

little_tippler

I agree with other posters here who say you have maturity and clear-headedness beyond your years, and that will help you a lot through the hard time you are going through.

You've done well to stay out of trouble and that little speeding ticket is just a small warning sign that you need to let your emotions out. It's good that you are able to tell us on the TFP, but you really should talk to your family. I'm sure they have no idea that you feel like you have to be all the womens' rock, and if they knew they wouldn't want you to be holding your feelings in. You're the kid here, they're the grown-ups. It's good that you're caring and supportive, but I'm sure they don't mind and will be happy to give you a shoulder to cry on if you need it once in a while. It's good to stay strong, but it's also important to have someone you can be honest with sometimes too. Just choose your timing if possible.

It's possible that maybe you were getting depressed. Feeling frequently sad and despondent is a sign of that. But I don't think you were really wrapped in it entirely because you seem to have kept a rational thought process throughout that and I think now you're "waking" out of it.

I went through 3 years of cancer with my father, pretty much from 19 to 21. The worst thing is to see the person you love becoming more and more helpless and a shadow of their former self. It was very stressful and emotional and my mom and I only had each other. But we were always each other's rock and shoulder to cry on in turn. In truth it was like we had a mutual deep understanding. We knew it was horrible, and sad and tense. But we never, not even 10 minutes before he died, believed in his death - we always had hope, because we were strong and so was he, even as debilitated as he was. It was very tough for me when he died, but it helped me come to terms with life and death. It's still something sad, but it's life's natural course. All we want is that those we love don't have to suffer when they go.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918