I am broken - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Crack · 10-19-2006, 08:06 AM

I haven't eaten in 2 days, I tried, but it didn't work. The world is a bigger scarier place now, with happy, smiling people that I want to punch in the throat. I keep finding her hair on my clothes, I know how they got there, it was from a hug, or some other contact that I took for granted. Those hugs that will never happen again mock me, they seem to be laughing. I blame myself, I did it, I caused it, I am unlovable, unlikable, unworthy.

Everything is a blur, trees and wind and cars and buildings all look the same, nothing and everything has changed. Here I sit at my desk, work is pointless, I just wish the day would end, but then I think about what I am going home to, and for a second, I don't want to go. Empty, cold, nothing. Having nothing to look forward to is like death, I feel like I died. The starkness of the future, and the realization that right now, I don't have one - killed me.

I miss her so much I threw up. A few times. I knew we wouldn't get married. I knew she didn't love me. I knew it. But I accepted it. I just wanted as much 'good' time as possible, It was few and far between. The feel of her skin, the smell of her hair, the sound of her laugh. It was my mistake to love her I suppose. I couldn't help it though, who could?

Tears swell up and are fought back. Damn the tears, quit being a pussy. Fuck it. I am lost, abandoned, alone. I have been in and out of relationships before, none hurt like this, none made me feel as bad as losing her.

One more chance, one more swing of the bat, one more hand of cards, one more ticket, I know I can win this one, all I need is one more shot. All that will happen is pain. How can I give up, how could anyone give up? Fairness is meaningless in love, it breaks you, crushes you, hurts you, scars you. I am scared.

People keep saying that it will get better. It won't, it will just hurt less. I know. I will forget, I will move on, I will play a different game. Maybe I'll finally win one. Regardless, this was my favorite game, and I lost all the pieces and the board. It's over.

~broken

shesus · 10-19-2006, 10:00 AM

Awww, I hate seeing people go through this. I hated going through it. But it will pass, believe me it will. I wish I could just give you a huge hug right now, although I know it wouldn't help. Nothing really helps right now, it's a process that has to work itself out. Just know that things will get better.

Makes me think of The Shin's song Gone for Good...maybe this could be your lyric of the day:
I find a fatal flaw
In the logic of love
And go out of my head
*snip*
You want to fight for this love
But honey you cannot wrestle a dove
So baby it's clear

hunnychile · 10-19-2006, 10:16 AM

Hi Crack,
The best phrase that I can think of at the moment is that: "this too shall pass." (I think I first read this quote somewhere in The Bible. Gasp!)

Others have paraphrased it over the years in many ways...

I can bet at least 90% of us online here have experienced a bad break up like you have and yes, it is painful. You're not alone and it's good that you are able to express yourself as written. Stay busy doing stuff that keeps your mind occupied and treat yourself with kindness & love. Jump into a great book. Walk with friends through a park. Go to a football game. Go golfing, Whatever.

Just be present with the knowledge that you will heal, but it takes time and introspection. "Time heals all wounds." que/good tunes....

Peace,
hunnychile

Crack · 10-19-2006, 10:33 AM

I would like to stress here that I don't blame shoegirl for anything. I can understand why it needed to happen. I will be the first to admit that things were not going to work out. That said, I did love her, I fell in love with her for everything that she is and wants to be. I understand. Still, it sucks.

snowy · 10-19-2006, 12:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crack

Still, it sucks.

Yes, it does suck. And it will probably suck for a while. The best thing you can do is do the things that take your mind off of thinking about it. The more you think about it, the more it hurts. You'll have time later to think about it, lots of time, when you have distance and time between you and the situation, and that will make it hurt less then. But for now, keep busy and take care of YOU.

You know we're always here if you need to chat.

maleficent · 10-19-2006, 12:46 PM

Poor sweetie..

Time does heal... and it will get better.. i know everyone tells you that... but it's true...

Take care of yourself... have some sara lee cheese cake and ice cream with chocolate sauce and sit around all day in your jammies...

Nothing wrong with shedding some tears... it was worth it...

Crack · 10-19-2006, 01:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maleficent

it was worth it...

best statement I have heard in a long time.

Lady Sage · 10-19-2006, 01:43 PM

What about those of us who think youre a great guy and a great friend??? Do we count?

Thats it!!!! Were all girls here (cept Crack) lets drag him into a scary movie night!
Mal? Bring the carbonated beverages please?
Shesus? Movie theater style popcorn?
Snowy? The chocolate goodies?
Hunny? A few dozen wings?
I will order pizza!!!

Halloween party in Cracks honor!!!!!!!!!!!

*Insert group hug here*

hunnychile · 10-20-2006, 07:02 AM

BTW....men are allowed to shed tears. It's such a great way to purify your soul.

My guy cried right along with me when our beloved dog was hit by a car and we had to say good bye to her at the vets office. Oh my, what water works that day!!

Crack · 10-20-2006, 08:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shesus

Makes me think of The Shin's song Gone for Good...maybe this could be your lyric of the day:
I find a fatal flaw
In the logic of love
And go out of my head
*snip*
You want to fight for this love
But honey you cannot wrestle a dove
So baby it's clear

this one is keeping me going.

Quote:

Originally Posted by John Popper

Blues Traveler - The Mountains Win Again

I pick up my smile put it in my pocket
Hold it for a while
try not to have to drop it
Men are not to cry so how am I
to stop it
Keep it all inside don't show how much she
rocked ya

Ooh can you feel the same
Ooh you
gotta love the pain
Ooh it looks like rain again
Ooh I
feel it comin' in
The mountains win again
The
mountains win again

Dreams we dreamed at night were
never meant to come to life
I can't understand the
ease she pulled away her hand
This time in my life I was
hurt enough to care
I guess from now on I'll be
careful what I share

Ooh can you feel the same
Ooh ya gotta love the pain
Ooh it looks like rain
again
Yeah feel it comin' in
The mountains win
again

A pocket is no place for a smile anyway
Someday I will find love again will blow my mind
Maybe it
will be that love that got away from me
Is there a line to
write that could make you cry tonight
Can you feel the
same
Yeah ya gotta love the pain
Ooh it looks like
rain again
Ooh feel it comin' in
The mountains
win again
Ooh the mountains win again

treewoods · 10-20-2006, 09:20 AM

just went through this same thing,
It will pass,
try calling an ex gf, after three years they forget about all the bad stuff anyways!

Glory's Sun · 10-20-2006, 09:21 AM

This is why they make strip clubs and alcohol.

Crack · 10-20-2006, 04:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guccilvr

This is why they make strip clubs and alcohol.

Quote:

Originally Posted by treewoods

...
try calling an ex gf, after three years they forget about all the bad stuff anyways!

if I go to the right place, I can take care of both of these...

Jove · 10-20-2006, 05:42 PM

You could always jog several miles until you are too tired to be upset.

ngdawg · 10-20-2006, 07:51 PM

When I got dumped, I bawled my fucking eyes out. It felt worse than a death. "Please don't hate me. I'll give ya 3 days to hate me and then we can go back to being friends".....I never hated him. I totally understood the reason. We talked once or twice after and if he contacted me again, there'd be friendship still. And every now and then, the memories come along and I smile. His gifts still sit on my coffee table, on my wall, our trophy we won together still has its place in my dining room; it's part of my life, I'm not going to pretend he never was.
Yes, you need to do things...but my feeling is you need to grieve too. Cry, scream, get down into the pits of self-pity.....then tell yourself you're better than that and drag your ass out to the strip clubs and such...everyone is telling you it'll get better and you know that. But you also know wounds hurt and take time to heal. But some time down the line, just like the scars on your skin, you'll look at a reminder.....and smile because it was a part of your life.

Sweetpea · 10-20-2006, 08:04 PM

Just let it out... that's the only advice I can give.

Also, have you thought about going to couseling for a couple sessions? It's a good place to be able to get all these feelings out and air them. And At it also makes you feel as if you're doing something to get over how you're feeling....

short of that... it just takes time.

*hugs*

sweetpea

Manic_Skafe · 10-20-2006, 09:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guccilvr

This is why they make strip clubs and alcohol.

And very very angry music.

Not too long ago I pulled the plug on a three year relationship that ended far too many times and in such an ugly manner - I suppose my ex got her revenge because she ended the friendship that I was deluded enough to think that we could maintain. Were it not for Pig Destroyer's entire discography and the emotional release I've always found in music, I'd still be reduced to the same state that the OP is in.

Grieving is a natural part of the process and I hope you find some comfort - here's a song that helped me:

Junkyard God
"My knuckles are bleeding on your front door
and these flowers are wilting in the rain.
They were for you and now they are for no one.
They are irrelevant as mercenaries in times of peace.
They are smoke twisting off the lips of a movie star.
Here is a boy with paper skin who longs to touch the girl of broken glass.
She loves it when he wears his skin like that.
In tatters."

10-19-2006, 08:06 AM	#1 (permalink)
Crack Misanthropic Location: Ohio! yay!	I am broken I haven't eaten in 2 days, I tried, but it didn't work. The world is a bigger scarier place now, with happy, smiling people that I want to punch in the throat. I keep finding her hair on my clothes, I know how they got there, it was from a hug, or some other contact that I took for granted. Those hugs that will never happen again mock me, they seem to be laughing. I blame myself, I did it, I caused it, I am unlovable, unlikable, unworthy. Everything is a blur, trees and wind and cars and buildings all look the same, nothing and everything has changed. Here I sit at my desk, work is pointless, I just wish the day would end, but then I think about what I am going home to, and for a second, I don't want to go. Empty, cold, nothing. Having nothing to look forward to is like death, I feel like I died. The starkness of the future, and the realization that right now, I don't have one - killed me. I miss her so much I threw up. A few times. I knew we wouldn't get married. I knew she didn't love me. I knew it. But I accepted it. I just wanted as much 'good' time as possible, It was few and far between. The feel of her skin, the smell of her hair, the sound of her laugh. It was my mistake to love her I suppose. I couldn't help it though, who could? Tears swell up and are fought back. Damn the tears, quit being a pussy. Fuck it. I am lost, abandoned, alone. I have been in and out of relationships before, none hurt like this, none made me feel as bad as losing her. One more chance, one more swing of the bat, one more hand of cards, one more ticket, I know I can win this one, all I need is one more shot. All that will happen is pain. How can I give up, how could anyone give up? Fairness is meaningless in love, it breaks you, crushes you, hurts you, scars you. I am scared. People keep saying that it will get better. It won't, it will just hurt less. I know. I will forget, I will move on, I will play a different game. Maybe I'll finally win one. Regardless, this was my favorite game, and I lost all the pieces and the board. It's over. ~broken __________________ Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex. ~Halx

10-19-2006, 10:00 AM	#2 (permalink)
shesus Fancy Location: Chicago	Awww, I hate seeing people go through this. I hated going through it. But it will pass, believe me it will. I wish I could just give you a huge hug right now, although I know it wouldn't help. Nothing really helps right now, it's a process that has to work itself out. Just know that things will get better. Makes me think of The Shin's song Gone for Good...maybe this could be your lyric of the day: I find a fatal flaw In the logic of love And go out of my head snip You want to fight for this love But honey you cannot wrestle a dove So baby it's clear __________________ Whatever did happen to your soul? I heard you sold it Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

10-19-2006, 10:16 AM	#3 (permalink)
hunnychile Alien Anthropologist Location: Between Boredom and Nirvana	Hi Crack, The best phrase that I can think of at the moment is that: "this too shall pass." (I think I first read this quote somewhere in The Bible. Gasp!) Others have paraphrased it over the years in many ways... I can bet at least 90% of us online here have experienced a bad break up like you have and yes, it is painful. You're not alone and it's good that you are able to express yourself as written. Stay busy doing stuff that keeps your mind occupied and treat yourself with kindness & love. Jump into a great book. Walk with friends through a park. Go to a football game. Go golfing, Whatever. Just be present with the knowledge that you will heal, but it takes time and introspection. "Time heals all wounds." que/good tunes.... Peace, hunnychile __________________ "I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

10-19-2006, 10:33 AM	#4 (permalink)
Crack Misanthropic Location: Ohio! yay!	I would like to stress here that I don't blame shoegirl for anything. I can understand why it needed to happen. I will be the first to admit that things were not going to work out. That said, I did love her, I fell in love with her for everything that she is and wants to be. I understand. Still, it sucks. __________________ Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex. ~Halx

10-19-2006, 12:46 PM	#6 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	Poor sweetie.. Time does heal... and it will get better.. i know everyone tells you that... but it's true... Take care of yourself... have some sara lee cheese cake and ice cream with chocolate sauce and sit around all day in your jammies... Nothing wrong with shedding some tears... it was worth it... __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

10-19-2006, 01:43 PM	#8 (permalink)
Lady Sage Mistress of Mayhem Location: Canton, Ohio	What about those of us who think youre a great guy and a great friend??? Do we count? Thats it!!!! Were all girls here (cept Crack) lets drag him into a scary movie night! Mal? Bring the carbonated beverages please? Shesus? Movie theater style popcorn? Snowy? The chocolate goodies? Hunny? A few dozen wings? I will order pizza!!! Halloween party in Cracks honor!!!!!!!!!!! Insert group hug here __________________ If only closed minds came with closed mouths. Minds are like parachutes, they function best when open. It`s Easier to Change a Condom Than a Diaper Yes, the rumors are true... I actually AM a Witch.

10-20-2006, 07:02 AM	#9 (permalink)
hunnychile Alien Anthropologist Location: Between Boredom and Nirvana	BTW....men are allowed to shed tears. It's such a great way to purify your soul. My guy cried right along with me when our beloved dog was hit by a car and we had to say good bye to her at the vets office. Oh my, what water works that day!! __________________ "I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB Last edited by hunnychile; 10-20-2006 at 08:56 PM..

10-20-2006, 09:20 AM	#11 (permalink)
treewoods Upright	just went through this same thing, It will pass, try calling an ex gf, after three years they forget about all the bad stuff anyways!

10-20-2006, 09:21 AM	#12 (permalink)
Glory's Sun Registered User	This is why they make strip clubs and alcohol.

10-20-2006, 05:42 PM	#14 (permalink)
Jove Groovy Hipster Nerd Location: Michigan	You could always jog several miles until you are too tired to be upset.

10-20-2006, 07:51 PM	#15 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	When I got dumped, I bawled my fucking eyes out. It felt worse than a death. "Please don't hate me. I'll give ya 3 days to hate me and then we can go back to being friends".....I never hated him. I totally understood the reason. We talked once or twice after and if he contacted me again, there'd be friendship still. And every now and then, the memories come along and I smile. His gifts still sit on my coffee table, on my wall, our trophy we won together still has its place in my dining room; it's part of my life, I'm not going to pretend he never was. Yes, you need to do things...but my feeling is you need to grieve too. Cry, scream, get down into the pits of self-pity.....then tell yourself you're better than that and drag your ass out to the strip clubs and such...everyone is telling you it'll get better and you know that. But you also know wounds hurt and take time to heal. But some time down the line, just like the scars on your skin, you'll look at a reminder.....and smile because it was a part of your life. __________________ Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

10-20-2006, 08:04 PM	#16 (permalink)
Sweetpea Fade out Location: in love	Just let it out... that's the only advice I can give. Also, have you thought about going to couseling for a couple sessions? It's a good place to be able to get all these feelings out and air them. And At it also makes you feel as if you're doing something to get over how you're feeling.... short of that... it just takes time. hugs sweetpea __________________ Having a Pet Will Change Your Life! Looking for a great pet?! Click Here! "I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"