Crack

I haven't eaten in 2 days, I tried, but it didn't work. The world is a bigger scarier place now, with happy, smiling people that I want to punch in the throat. I keep finding her hair on my clothes, I know how they got there, it was from a hug, or some other contact that I took for granted. Those hugs that will never happen again mock me, they seem to be laughing. I blame myself, I did it, I caused it, I am unlovable, unlikable, unworthy.

Everything is a blur, trees and wind and cars and buildings all look the same, nothing and everything has changed. Here I sit at my desk, work is pointless, I just wish the day would end, but then I think about what I am going home to, and for a second, I don't want to go. Empty, cold, nothing. Having nothing to look forward to is like death, I feel like I died. The starkness of the future, and the realization that right now, I don't have one - killed me.

I miss her so much I threw up. A few times. I knew we wouldn't get married. I knew she didn't love me. I knew it. But I accepted it. I just wanted as much 'good' time as possible, It was few and far between. The feel of her skin, the smell of her hair, the sound of her laugh. It was my mistake to love her I suppose. I couldn't help it though, who could?

Tears swell up and are fought back. Damn the tears, quit being a pussy. Fuck it. I am lost, abandoned, alone. I have been in and out of relationships before, none hurt like this, none made me feel as bad as losing her.

One more chance, one more swing of the bat, one more hand of cards, one more ticket, I know I can win this one, all I need is one more shot. All that will happen is pain. How can I give up, how could anyone give up? Fairness is meaningless in love, it breaks you, crushes you, hurts you, scars you. I am scared.

People keep saying that it will get better. It won't, it will just hurt less. I know. I will forget, I will move on, I will play a different game. Maybe I'll finally win one. Regardless, this was my favorite game, and I lost all the pieces and the board. It's over.

~broken

__________________
Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx