dualman7

I am an atrocious conversationalist. Unless you're my mother, father, or a very close friend; you and I will have absolutely nothing to talk about. For a long time I simply pointed the blame towards the other person; I'm slowly starting to take some responsibility.

Chauncey Billups, a very good NBA player once said (paraphrasing) 'the reason he's succesful is because he is able to mentally approach a very important play in the 4th quarter, the same way he approaches a play when practicing in his backyard.'

You may be asking what the above anecdote has to do with communication. I'll explain. I don't know if I am the only nut case whose brain functions this way, but I am unable to talk with the same ease to a co-worker as I do, for instance, with my parents. I find myself trying hard to have a good conversation/ be accepted. The worst part is I often feel like I compromised myself and say things without thinking, just so I can get along with a person.

In the long run, not only does the conversation stall, but I find myself saying things I later regret.

I have a project coming up where I will be working exclusively with my boss. Our conversations have never gone beyond a sentence. I am kind of concerned with what I may say.

Your advice could really help me.

raeanna74

Start by asking questions. Many people enjoy talking about themselves. Just ask them about their lives, interests, how they got into their line of work. Before you know it there'll be things that you can connect on and other subjects will present themselves on their own. Think of a few questions that might interest your boss before you get there. For example - He's got a picture on his desk of his family. As about them. A happily married man or a happy father is usually quite glad to share his pleasure in his family with others.

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My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

Jinn

I think everyone enjoys talking about themselves. That's how I start a conversation, typically:

Topical Question
Acknowledge
Question
Acknowledge
Question
Relate to their answer in agreeable fashion
<Converse>

Usually, if I make it to the "Relate" line I can tell if the person is very interesting at all. I don't do this conciously, but in decomposing previous conversations this is what I arrived at. The trickiest part is remembering to (a) ask questions and (b) making that first question topical. If you start the conversation with something like "How are you?" it's a lot harder to do than if you start with a question or comment regarding something you, they, or both of you are doing.

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ASU2003

I have problems with this as well. If I don't know enough about you, I don't know what to talk about. Most people are bored with what I want to talk about. And I don't care about a lot of the stuff they might want to talk about (American Idol, for example).

I have some books on how to have conversations, and I would recommend getting one. It will give you things to try.

taboo

when i'm meeting someone new, i start doing like a mini-interview with them. Ask them questions, and try to get deeper into their character, their motives for "such and such" (anything they're telling you) ect.
I find that the level of comfort the other person has also affects my comfort level too. If they are really talkative, I relax more and talk more also. If not, if they're shy, I take the lead in talking, but then if it diesn;t go anywhere after a few tries I just give up. Chemistry.

savvypup

yep, ask lots of questions of the other people and remember to be yourself. I think part of the problem (me included in this) is that you're feeling really nervous about making conversation and therefore focus too much on it. Lot's of questions gets the other person filling in those awkward silent moments until you find common ground on which to then talk yourself.

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ciao bella!

Mantus

Social interaction, like anything else is a skills. In my opinion it's the single most important skills a human being can develop. Social interaction will get you everywhere.

There are many books out there that cover this topics. You can take courses such as the Dale Carnagie Training. There are even communities out there who focus on developing social skills.

The broad strokes required are these.

1. Be friends with social people. Without this your progress will be hundred times slowers. It is imperative that you hang out with social people.

2. Know yourself. Personal development is key. How can you get to know someone if you don't know yourself? Start a journal. Not the kind where you write about your day but one where you explore your personality, your past, your goals and the lessons your learned in life. The stronger your reality the more people will get pulled into it.

3. Get out there and interact with people. Do not get caught in paralysis of analysis. Experience is essential. Put yourself in uncomfortable situation, it's the only way to grow.

It's not easy but the rewards are unlimited.

3Z3VH

The REAL problem is when you follow the advice of asking them questions, only to find out that person is the same way as you, and gives one-word/short answers.

If anyone asks YOU questions. Embellish. Fill it with as much detail as you want without droning on needlessly. If someone asks what you did at work and you are a computer programmer (not much to talk about there) tell them work went well, and fill it in with a funny anecdote about how the guy in the next cube was making funny noises or something. It's all in the flavour text, not in what you are actually saying

thingstodo

Now I perhaps trashed you a little in the depression thread but you've hit the nail on the head here!! Nice job with your feedback!!

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Stangers have the best candy.

abaya

Good advice here so far... take heed.

I'll follow it up by adding to the "ASK QUESTIONS" line. To me, there is nothing more crucial for sincere, substantial social interaction than to simply ask meaningful questions, and to really listen to the responses, and then respond in kind. Don't just mirror what the other person asked you first; give it a spin, or quote something they said to you and ask them to expand on that. That is attentive listening, and it shows the other person that you are very keen on what they have to say, and they're more likely to feel comfortable opening up to you and asking you questions as well. The problem with some people (not saying this is you, but it could be) is that they act like a brick wall and expect the other person to do all the conversational work, which is really illogical if you think about it. No one wants to talk with a brick wall, since it doesn't do anything back. Do you?

People are inclined to talk about themselves, in general. But they won't usually talk unless another person shows some initiative, some interest in a real back-and-forth exchange. Then, they will tell you just about anything if you are sincere enough, especially since most people they interact with probably don't give a rat's ass about them. I think most of us pass each other like ships in the night... when one person slows down and actually wants to know how you are doing, REALLY doing, and what about that so-and-so event you went to, and how did you feel about that, etc... it really bowls them over, and they open up.

Now, of course, you can also err on the side of being TOO nosy (usually my problem ), but for shy people... that doesn't normally happen. It's just a matter of learning that what you have to say is important, feeling that confidence in your own words and questions... and your desire to really engage in conversation (even if you feel awkward at it) will come through to the other person.

I can't stand overly chatty people, but I *love* a good, intelligent, sincere conversationalist. I hate to say it, too, but I think a LOT of it has to do with gender. I've very rarely met a woman who can't keep up her side of a conversation in a balanced manner, but I've met LOTS of guys like that. So I've come to accept that guys have gotten the short end of the stick, in most cultures, in terms of being raised and encouraged to express themselves effectively. It's unfortunate, really.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran