Unwanted gift - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

lindalove · 05-20-2006, 03:52 PM

I have a friend who has had a crush on me for a long time, and it generally doesn't get in the way of a good friendship except when he does stupid things like this. He knows nothing will ever happen between us - I remind him because I don't want to hurt his feelings or make things awkward between us.

I've learned that he bought me a diamond ring for my birthday, and he's going to be giving it to me tomorrow at my party (probably in front of a ton of people). I know he means well, and he's being the gentleman that he is but I find myself feeling awkward about accepting it. I don't want to make him think that something is going to happen when it's clearly not, but on the other hand I really don't want to offend him.

I have no idea whether I should decline from accepting, and whether that will really hurt his feelings, or if I should just take it. If I was to tell him that I was really touched, but couldn't take it from him, how would I do it gently? I don't have much experience in being nice to people about issues like this, I'm generally pretty blunt.

cookmo · 05-20-2006, 04:10 PM

Before the party you need to pull him aside and tell him you know about the ring.Because if you decide that you dont want it, waiting untill the party will embarass him more. And not that you care what others think, but if you accept at the party there will be alot of gossip.

On wether you should accept it or not, can he afford to give it to you? If he is financialy well-off its not a big deal, but if hes not then dont.

politicophile · 05-20-2006, 04:25 PM

Stopping him before the party is one possibility. Another is to accept the ring when it is offered to you at the party, only to return it to him immediately afterwards. Since he is your friend, I would advise against rejecting the gift if it is offered to you in front of a crowd, as that would hurt his feelings.

That said, you shouldn't cave into his unwanted pressure: if you don't want to keep the ring, don't keep it.

Mantus · 05-20-2006, 05:42 PM

If you trully see him as a friend you have to help him by letting him go. He is your Intellectual Whore. Send him over to http://www.intellectualwhores.com - hopefully it will open his eyes.

Otherwise he will never get over you. Letting him go is the only way unfortunatelly; otherwise he will continue to hope that one day you will say yes. He doesn't realize that people can't choose to be attracted, as if was a switch that we can mentally flip.

Perhaps, in a year or so, once he has recovered from his IW status, you can be friends again and this time you will get a genuine friend, not one who does everything in hope of getting in your pants.

It's tough love

Cheers.

savvypup · 05-21-2006, 04:25 AM

If you know he's definitely got you a ring, then try and get to him before he embarresses both himself and you and makes you feel like you have to accept. Accepting in front of your friends will certainly make him feel better, but any bet you'll look totally uncomfortable.

If he's a good friend, he should realise that this is totally overstepping a platonic friendship line. Then if he doesn't realise, you need to be MORE blunt with him as he's obviously not reading on the same page as you. It's a hard call when feelings like this come between friends. Good Luck & Happy Birthday!

Zeraph · 05-21-2006, 11:30 AM

While I don't know about intellectual whores, I agree with mantus. If one of two people is in love or even just in lust with the other they cannot be true friends. It just can't happen when one will always have a different agenda. If you think you are really his friend then cut things off with him.

Now as far as how to go about doing something like that without being hurtful...no idea.

If you decide to stay friends with him, then as far as accepting that gift like somone above said it all depends on how easily he can afford it. And shit, even if he can afford it, tell him it would be better for him to take the money and donate it to a charity instead. You just shouldn't accept gifts like that from unrequited love relationships.

jth · 05-21-2006, 12:53 PM

this guy is probably pretty obsessed with you and rejecting the gift will probably do him some damage to get rejected like that in front of his peers and friends. You're going to have to nip this in the bud before there is an opportunity to make you both fall into very uncomfortable situations.

No one just buys a friend a diamond ring, maybe he's trying to trick himself into thinking if he gets you something very extravagant it might be the straw that breaks the camel's back so to speak. So you have some options as I see it, one is safe the other is cruel

1 - Is you catch him before the party, hours before if not a day in advance and say that you learned he got you this gift and that you cannot accept it. You don't feel comfortable accepting it, you don't want it and that he needs to move on to someone else and focus his love elsewhere, to a willing person. Tell him to take the gift back but that you still want him as your friend but only if he can figure out that only friends and not friends buying expensive shit for each other

2- The cruel way is when he offers you the gift you reject it. Of course this would suck, you'd most likely lose a friend but maybe at that point he might 'get the picture' that you don't want anything to do with him 'in that way'. Hopfully what might happen is he might try to offer it to you in a private moment at the party, that way you can save face and so can he.

It all seems too much to me. This cat obviously is just boiling waiting for a chance to get with you in that way. Some guys just don't 'get it' and they get themselves in a world of hurt about it.

little_tippler · 05-22-2006, 08:16 AM

Definitely speak to him before this party...

It's not fair of him to pressure you this way, especially if you've already made it clear that nothing will happen. Also, he will be ruining what would otherwise be a great birthday party - yours! This is your day...he is not thinking of you or how you feel, he is thinking of himself. You may consider him your friend but he is not acting like one. He will be putting you on the spot in front of your closest friends.

You can be his friend and make it clear, politely, that you are not interested that way, before the party, to spare him the huge embarrassment. To me he honestly sounds delusional. I mean, a diamond ring?! Come on. He might as well propose to you while he's at it! Also tell him that if he decides to go ahead and give it to you in public that you will have no choice but to refuse in public also. It's his choice after that.

Edit: one more thing. To anyone who is thinking, well he may be giving the gift as a friend no? Wrong. A ring is a very personal item, that often men give to women as a sign of a romantic commitment. I for one have never heard of a male friend giving a female friend a ring just out of the lbue, especially one that expensive. And a diamond ring, everyone thinks - ooh proposal/engagement. It MAY be a harmless gift...but with all the background between these two people, it's hard to believe that he's not playing on double meanings, even if he's trying to make it look innocent.

ngdawg · 05-22-2006, 10:02 AM

There are diamond rings and there are diamond rings. The immediate assumption that it will appear as an engagement ring shouldn't be made quite yet.
Can he afford such gifts? Or maybe it's one of the Kay Jewelers specials. I certainly wouldn't pull him aside before the party regardless of when.
Although it is customary in this country to open your gifts as part of the party, it's not etiquettely correct. The party is supposed to be just that and presents opened at home after. Should you open them at the party, a 'thank you' after will suffice(don't forget those thank-you cards later!

and you can always return it to him later (you might get other things that make you shudder as well-can't disapprove right then and there with those either).
Just have a good time and worry about reactions, etc., later.

Edit because I didn't see the date of the OP: I hope your worry was for naught. How'd it go?

lindalove · 05-22-2006, 11:20 AM

The party was excellent, really fun!

I spoke to him about it; to put it bluntly I told him I couldn't accept it because it was just too big a gift. I honestly didn't want him to spend that much money; I don't think he could really afford it. I don't think he was too offended, however I haven't spoken to him since then.

I'm kind of worried, because I didn't really want to spoil a nice friendship, but I didn't want to accept the ring and make him feel ask if I might change my mind one day.

maleficent · 05-22-2006, 11:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by little_tippler

I for one have never heard of a male friend giving a female friend a ring just out of the lbue, especially one that expensive.

I wear a white gold claddagh ring on my left hand that was a gift from my best friend... it's not diamonds, nor was it a romantic commitment, it was a committment more important - one of friendship...

Rings are an acceptable gift, as are expensive gifts, but it's dependent on the people... there are other people who I wouldn't accept anything more than a token gift.

little_tippler · 05-24-2006, 04:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maleficent

I wear a white gold claddagh ring on my left hand that was a gift from my best friend... it's not diamonds, nor was it a romantic commitment, it was a committment more important - one of friendship...

Rings are an acceptable gift, as are expensive gifts, but it's dependent on the people... there are other people who I wouldn't accept anything more than a token gift.

Granted, sometimes it happens - but in this case I think it's probably not just because they are great friends. I also think in your case you had a particularly special friendship that is probably an exception and not the rule in the majority of these situations. I agree that it depends on the people involved.

ShaniFaye · 05-24-2006, 05:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maleficent

I wear a white gold claddagh ring on my left hand that was a gift from my best friend... it's not diamonds, nor was it a romantic commitment, it was a committment more important - one of friendship...

Rings are an acceptable gift, as are expensive gifts, but it's dependent on the people... there are other people who I wouldn't accept anything more than a token gift.

I have to agree with Mal, I have received two in my lifetime that in no way symbolized anything romantic.....so it does happen

abaya · 05-24-2006, 06:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lindalove

I'm kind of worried, because I didn't really want to spoil a nice friendship, but I didn't want to accept the ring and make him feel ask if I might change my mind one day.

This is the key right here; for the sake of the guy, maybe your "nice friendship" needed to be spoiled. A ring from a supposedly platonic friendship would pretty much cause me to doubt the entire friendship... because that's just weird (unless I was like Mal or Shanifaye, but I'm pretty sure they were in 100% platonic situations).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zeraph

If one of two people is in love or even just in lust with the other they cannot be true friends. It just can't happen when one will always have a different agenda.

Zeraph said it best. I've been there, on both sides of the equation, and it just doesn't work. I hope this ring situation served as a reality check to the guy.

Prince · 05-25-2006, 03:51 AM

I'd say there's a very strong possibility here that he will claim the ring's just a token of his friendship, yet he will deep inside allow himself to think that somehow this diamond ring will eventually make you jump into his arms.

And if nothing were ever to happen, would he hold it against you, because you accepted the ring and then never "delivered"?

If you ask me, accepting this ring is bad news, plain and simple.

05-20-2006, 03:52 PM	#1 (permalink)
lindalove Registered User	Unwanted gift I have a friend who has had a crush on me for a long time, and it generally doesn't get in the way of a good friendship except when he does stupid things like this. He knows nothing will ever happen between us - I remind him because I don't want to hurt his feelings or make things awkward between us. I've learned that he bought me a diamond ring for my birthday, and he's going to be giving it to me tomorrow at my party (probably in front of a ton of people). I know he means well, and he's being the gentleman that he is but I find myself feeling awkward about accepting it. I don't want to make him think that something is going to happen when it's clearly not, but on the other hand I really don't want to offend him. I have no idea whether I should decline from accepting, and whether that will really hurt his feelings, or if I should just take it. If I was to tell him that I was really touched, but couldn't take it from him, how would I do it gently? I don't have much experience in being nice to people about issues like this, I'm generally pretty blunt.

05-20-2006, 04:25 PM	#3 (permalink)
politicophile Addict	Stopping him before the party is one possibility. Another is to accept the ring when it is offered to you at the party, only to return it to him immediately afterwards. Since he is your friend, I would advise against rejecting the gift if it is offered to you in front of a crowd, as that would hurt his feelings. That said, you shouldn't cave into his unwanted pressure: if you don't want to keep the ring, don't keep it. __________________ The peculiar evil of silencing the expression of an opinion is, that it is robbing the human race; posterity as well as the existing generation; those who dissent from the opinion, still more than those who hold it. If the opinion is right, they are deprived of the opportunity of exchanging error for truth: if wrong, they lose, what is almost as great a benefit, the clearer perception and livelier impression of truth, produced by its collision with error. ~John Stuart Mill, On Liberty

05-20-2006, 05:42 PM	#4 (permalink)
Mantus lascivious	If you trully see him as a friend you have to help him by letting him go. He is your Intellectual Whore. Send him over to http://www.intellectualwhores.com - hopefully it will open his eyes. Otherwise he will never get over you. Letting him go is the only way unfortunatelly; otherwise he will continue to hope that one day you will say yes. He doesn't realize that people can't choose to be attracted, as if was a switch that we can mentally flip. Perhaps, in a year or so, once he has recovered from his IW status, you can be friends again and this time you will get a genuine friend, not one who does everything in hope of getting in your pants. It's tough love Cheers. Last edited by Mantus; 05-20-2006 at 05:44 PM..

05-21-2006, 04:25 AM	#5 (permalink)
savvypup Crazy Location: Want to run away? Follow the light	If you know he's definitely got you a ring, then try and get to him before he embarresses both himself and you and makes you feel like you have to accept. Accepting in front of your friends will certainly make him feel better, but any bet you'll look totally uncomfortable. If he's a good friend, he should realise that this is totally overstepping a platonic friendship line. Then if he doesn't realise, you need to be MORE blunt with him as he's obviously not reading on the same page as you. It's a hard call when feelings like this come between friends. Good Luck & Happy Birthday! __________________ ciao bella!

05-21-2006, 12:53 PM	#7 (permalink)
jth Insane Location: HRM	this guy is probably pretty obsessed with you and rejecting the gift will probably do him some damage to get rejected like that in front of his peers and friends. You're going to have to nip this in the bud before there is an opportunity to make you both fall into very uncomfortable situations. No one just buys a friend a diamond ring, maybe he's trying to trick himself into thinking if he gets you something very extravagant it might be the straw that breaks the camel's back so to speak. So you have some options as I see it, one is safe the other is cruel 1 - Is you catch him before the party, hours before if not a day in advance and say that you learned he got you this gift and that you cannot accept it. You don't feel comfortable accepting it, you don't want it and that he needs to move on to someone else and focus his love elsewhere, to a willing person. Tell him to take the gift back but that you still want him as your friend but only if he can figure out that only friends and not friends buying expensive shit for each other 2- The cruel way is when he offers you the gift you reject it. Of course this would suck, you'd most likely lose a friend but maybe at that point he might 'get the picture' that you don't want anything to do with him 'in that way'. Hopfully what might happen is he might try to offer it to you in a private moment at the party, that way you can save face and so can he. It all seems too much to me. This cat obviously is just boiling waiting for a chance to get with you in that way. Some guys just don't 'get it' and they get themselves in a world of hurt about it. __________________ "A real leader faces the music, even if he doesn't like the tune." - unknown quote

05-20-2006, 04:10 PM	#2 (permalink)
cookmo Insane Location: Ohio	Before the party you need to pull him aside and tell him you know about the ring.Because if you decide that you dont want it, waiting untill the party will embarass him more. And not that you care what others think, but if you accept at the party there will be alot of gossip. On wether you should accept it or not, can he afford to give it to you? If he is financialy well-off its not a big deal, but if hes not then dont.

05-21-2006, 11:30 AM	#6 (permalink)
Zeraph Banned Location: The Cosmos	While I don't know about intellectual whores, I agree with mantus. If one of two people is in love or even just in lust with the other they cannot be true friends. It just can't happen when one will always have a different agenda. If you think you are really his friend then cut things off with him. Now as far as how to go about doing something like that without being hurtful...no idea. If you decide to stay friends with him, then as far as accepting that gift like somone above said it all depends on how easily he can afford it. And shit, even if he can afford it, tell him it would be better for him to take the money and donate it to a charity instead. You just shouldn't accept gifts like that from unrequited love relationships.

05-22-2006, 08:16 AM	#8 (permalink)
little_tippler Leaning against the -Sun- Super Moderator Location: on the other side	Definitely speak to him before this party... It's not fair of him to pressure you this way, especially if you've already made it clear that nothing will happen. Also, he will be ruining what would otherwise be a great birthday party - yours! This is your day...he is not thinking of you or how you feel, he is thinking of himself. You may consider him your friend but he is not acting like one. He will be putting you on the spot in front of your closest friends. You can be his friend and make it clear, politely, that you are not interested that way, before the party, to spare him the huge embarrassment. To me he honestly sounds delusional. I mean, a diamond ring?! Come on. He might as well propose to you while he's at it! Also tell him that if he decides to go ahead and give it to you in public that you will have no choice but to refuse in public also. It's his choice after that. Edit: one more thing. To anyone who is thinking, well he may be giving the gift as a friend no? Wrong. A ring is a very personal item, that often men give to women as a sign of a romantic commitment. I for one have never heard of a male friend giving a female friend a ring just out of the lbue, especially one that expensive. And a diamond ring, everyone thinks - ooh proposal/engagement. It MAY be a harmless gift...but with all the background between these two people, it's hard to believe that he's not playing on double meanings, even if he's trying to make it look innocent. __________________ Whether we write or speak or do but look We are ever unapparent. What we are Cannot be transfused into word or book. Our soul from us is infinitely far. However much we give our thoughts the will To be our soul and gesture it abroad, Our hearts are incommunicable still. In what we show ourselves we are ignored. The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged By any skill of thought or trick of seeming. Unto our very selves we are abridged When we would utter to our thought our being. We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams, And each to each other dreams of others' dreams. Fernando Pessoa, 1918 Last edited by little_tippler; 05-22-2006 at 08:20 AM..

05-22-2006, 10:02 AM	#9 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	There are diamond rings and there are diamond rings. The immediate assumption that it will appear as an engagement ring shouldn't be made quite yet. Can he afford such gifts? Or maybe it's one of the Kay Jewelers specials. I certainly wouldn't pull him aside before the party regardless of when. Although it is customary in this country to open your gifts as part of the party, it's not etiquettely correct. The party is supposed to be just that and presents opened at home after. Should you open them at the party, a 'thank you' after will suffice(don't forget those thank-you cards later! and you can always return it to him later (you might get other things that make you shudder as well-can't disapprove right then and there with those either). Just have a good time and worry about reactions, etc., later. Edit because I didn't see the date of the OP: I hope your worry was for naught. How'd it go? __________________ Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em. Last edited by ngdawg; 05-22-2006 at 10:06 AM..

05-22-2006, 11:20 AM	#10 (permalink)
lindalove Registered User	The party was excellent, really fun! I spoke to him about it; to put it bluntly I told him I couldn't accept it because it was just too big a gift. I honestly didn't want him to spend that much money; I don't think he could really afford it. I don't think he was too offended, however I haven't spoken to him since then. I'm kind of worried, because I didn't really want to spoil a nice friendship, but I didn't want to accept the ring and make him feel ask if I might change my mind one day.

05-25-2006, 03:51 AM	#15 (permalink)
Prince /nɑndəsˈkrɪpt/ Location: LV-426	I'd say there's a very strong possibility here that he will claim the ring's just a token of his friendship, yet he will deep inside allow himself to think that somehow this diamond ring will eventually make you jump into his arms. And if nothing were ever to happen, would he hold it against you, because you accepted the ring and then never "delivered"? If you ask me, accepting this ring is bad news, plain and simple. __________________ Who is John Galt?