|
10-13-2005, 10:24 AM
|
#41 (permalink) |
|
Insane
|
A long one, not Jesus but still probably offensive.
During the reign of John Paul II it was decided that all Jews should be removed from Vatican City. After praying to God John Paul decided that simply evicting the Jews was unfair and that he should debate with an average Jew, if the Jew could best him in a theological discussion he would allow them to stay. Knowing that it would be seen as unfair if the Pope debated a simple Jew John Paul decided to make the contest fair by allowing both parties to only use hand signals. Mohammed the Jew entered the debating chamber with Pope John Paul, both sat down facing each other, their faces masks of contemplation. After a short interval John Paul raised 3 fingers, Mohammed quickly raised a single finger, John Paul was shocked. After a short break the Pope raised a hand and rotated it in a circle in the air; Mohammed looked aghast and pointed to the earth. The pope again looked shocked. After a long interval the Pope pulled out an communion wine and wafers, Mohammed reached behind himself and pulled out an apple, carefully placing it on the floor near the wafers. John Paul stood up and in a loud voice announced that the Jews may stay in the Vatican, then left the room. Later on Pope John Paul was asked to explain what happened byCNN news, the Pope said: "Firstly I held up three fingers to indicate the holy trinity, the father the son and the holy ghost. He held up one finger to indicate the one God who binds our Religions. I then indicated that God is all around us, he retorted by stating that God is also in the Earth itself, of course I was shocked at how good a rebuttal this was. Finally I brought out the communion wafers and wine to show how sins can be absolved, his apple showed the original sin that cannot be absolved. In short he masterfully showed me the error of my ways, truly he is a great man." Mohammed was also interviewed, "Well first the Pope says that we have 3 days to leave, I stared at him, held up my finger and said that I for one was not going to leave! Then he says that they will disperse the Jews all around leaving us with no homeland, I pointed to the ground telling him that I for one was not leaving this spot! Then he pulled out his lunch so I pulled out mine." |
|
|
09-21-2009, 11:35 PM
|
#45 (permalink) |
|
Misanthropic
Location: Ohio! yay!
|
Guy goes into sex shop and asks for an inflatable doll. Assistant asks him whether he wants a Christian one or a Muslim one. Customer asks what's the difference. Assistant explains that you need a pump for the Christian doll, but the Muslim one blows itself up.
Jesus and God are sitting in a room discussing an important issue. Somebody knocks on the door. Jesus opens and see's Allah. Jesus turns to God and asks "Father, did you order a shawarma? (google it) Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity!
__________________
Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex. ~Halx |
|
|
|
11-03-2009, 11:20 PM
|
#46 (permalink) | |
|
Upright
|
Quote:
What do you call a muslim that owns a camel and a goat? A Bisexual Jesus Christ walks into an motel, hands the Innkeeper 3 nails and says..... 'can you put me up for the night?' What do Tehran and Nagasaki have in common? Nothing yet! |
|
|
|
|
03-04-2010, 05:09 PM
|
#49 (permalink) |
|
Minion of Joss
Location: The Windy City
|
A priest and a rabbi are sitting around, shooting the shit, blue-skying about their careers.
The rabbi says, "Well, if I'm lucky, and God blesses me, maybe someday I'll get a bigger synagogue, be paid top dollar, have a couple junior rabbis working for me...." The priest says, "Well, if I'm lucky and blessed, maybe I'll be chosen a bishop." The rabbi nods, "And then...?" The priest shrugs, and says, "I could always get to be archbishop of a big diocese...." The rabbi nods, "And then...?" The priest lifts an eyebrow, speculatively, "Well...I guess it's not impossible that I could be elected to the college of Cardinals...." The rabbi nods, "And then...?" The priest snorts, but says, "I suppose it's not impossible that maybe one day I could be elected to be pope...." The rabbi nods, "And then...?" The priest exclaims in exasperation, "What do you mean, 'and then?!' There is no 'and then!' I'd be the pope! What's left, do you want me to be promoted to God?!" The rabbi shrugs, "Well...one of our boys made it."
__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love, Whose soul is sense, cannot admit Absence, because it doth remove That thing which elemented it. (From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne) |
|
|
|
06-11-2010, 02:34 PM
|
#50 (permalink) |
|
Upright
|
Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."
St Peter: "Not likely!" Hitler: I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry." At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on. St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in." Jesus: "There's no way" Hitler: "No, it's true! To prove it, I've got a six foot solid gold cross I can't find the owner of. I could give that to you." Now Jesus was partial to crosses, so he went to see God. Jesus: "Hey Dad, I've got Hitler outside and he wants to come in now he's repented." God: "Tell him to get lost!" Jesus: "But Dad, he's given back all the gold that he stole from the Jews - except for a six foot, solid gold cross he can't find the owner for. He says I can have it." God: "And what do you want with a solid gold cross? You couldn't even carry a fuckin' wooden one!" |
|
|
|
06-11-2010, 10:45 PM
|
#52 (permalink) |
|
Evil Priest: The Devil Made Me Do It!
Location: Southern England
|
A rabbi and a priest have a car crash.
Everything in both cars is smashed, except for a bottle of Scotch that the priest was given by a parishioner for officiating at their baptism; both drivers are completely unharmed. The rabbi says "This is a sign from god!" The priest agrees, and ponders what they should do to honour the sign. The rabbi thinks for a while and says "we should drink the Scotch to celebrate our deliverance". The priest agrees, and opens the Scotch. As they have no glasses, he takes a big mouthful from the bottle, before passing it to the rabbi. The rabbi has a tiny sip, and passes it back to the priest, who takes another big gulp. After a couple of times the priest says "go on rabbi - have a REAL drink". The rabbi thinks about this, puts the cap back on the Scotch and says "I think I'll wait until after the police have been".
__________________
╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air, And deep beneath the rolling waves, In labyrinths of Coral Caves, The Echo of a distant time Comes willowing across the sand; And everthing is Green and Submarine ╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝ |
|
|
| Tags |
| jesus, jokes, offensive |
|
|
