guthmund

A few days ago, I ran across a website that had held a contest for the 10 most offensive religious jokes they could find.

I can't remember the site, I can't remember where it was linked from, but for some reason these two jokes stuck in my head, so, I thought I'd share them with you guys.

If you have any others, please, feel free to post them.

1- Whats white, sticky and moves across the sky at a thousand miles an hour?

The coming of the Lord

2- How does Jesus masturbate?

Like this...(place your hand flat on your groin, palm side down and mimic jerking off using the hole in your hand)

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Glory's Sun

..sounds like a fun site


"Any more lion food, Julius?"

"No, just a load of Christians, that's all!"

"That's okay, They'll do. Take the crosses of 'em though, 'cause we don't want the lions to choke!"

politicophile

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?






A: You only need one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.

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The peculiar evil of silencing the expression of an opinion is, that it is robbing the human race; posterity as well as the existing generation; those who dissent from the opinion, still more than those who hold it. If the opinion is right, they are deprived of the opportunity of exchanging error for truth: if wrong, they lose, what is almost as great a benefit, the clearer perception and livelier impression of truth, produced by its collision with error. ~John Stuart Mill, On Liberty

crackpot

Heh. Nice ones, thanks!

JStrider

why would jesus have made a great pornstar?



He was hung like this *holds hands up like being crucified/showing a size*

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-=JStrider=-

~Clatto Verata Nicto

questone

Nice ones, thanks!

Xixox

What did Jesus say when they removed his hands from the cross?


*waves arms frantically*
GET THE FEET!!

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Incompetence
When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there's no end to what you can't do.

waltert

lol, thanks guys, I was laughing my arse off when I read these

Daniel_

sick, sick, sick, sick, sick.


Got any more?

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╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

guthmund

That one was great.

Edit Here's one more...

Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."

Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.

Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple.

But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water.

When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet."

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SirLance

Jesus and Moses are playing a pro-am at Pebble Beach with Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson, when they get to #8, a par 4 dogleg right. The pros hit 300 yard drives into the approach, taking the water out of play, but Jesus and Moses hit tee shots that leave them on the right edge of the fairway, about two hundred from the green, over the ocean.

They get to their balls and Moses says, "I'm not that good, I'm going to lay up to the left." So, he takes out his pitching wedge and hits a nice shot into the fairway, leaving him about 100 yards from the green.

Jesus says, "I'm going for it." and pulls out his 7 iron.

Moses says, "What are you doing, that's two hundred yards! You should use your 3 iron!"

Jesus says, "Hey, Arnold Palmer hits his 7 iron two hundred yards!" He lines up and takes the shot, which is perfectly on line but lands in the water short of the green.

Jesus raises his hand, and his ball floats to the top, bobbing on the waves. He grabs his gap wedge and walks out on the water, and hits a nice chip to the center of the green.

Tiger walks over to Moses and says, "Who's he think he is, Jesus Christ?"

Moses says "No, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer!"


[Sir Lance ducks to avoid the inevitable tomato throwing...]

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KellyC

Can't leave this one out.

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...fashion+christ

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

CheapBastid

Saw a bumper sticker:

"Jesus is coming...
...get a towel"

zVp

Why wouldn't Jesus be good on a hockey team?

He'll get nailed to the boards.

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"Even a stopped clock is right twice a day."

mojodragon

Found this on another site, made me laugh out loud for real:

A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

Cervantes

http://ship-of-fools.com/Features/20...t_results.html
Google is your friend....

Nice stuff everybody!! Got a good laugh from your posts..

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- "Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.."
- "Religions take everything that your DNA naturally wants to do to survive and pro-create and makes it wrong."
- "There is only one absolute truth and that is that there is only one absolute truth."

Redlemon

Why didn't Jesus go to law school?
He was nailed on the boards.

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I can't read your signature. Sorry.

guthmund

Yeah, I thought Jesus couldn't play hockey because of illegal head gear.

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ophelia783

As a jew, I have to say that these are GREAT!

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guthmund

Okay, I got a couple of more...

The first one involves a little acting..

Q- "What's this?" *Hold your palm up to your face and pretend to bite through.
A- Jesus biting his nails

Let's not leave Dad out..

Why did God make homosexuality a sin?
- Because his boyfriend thought it was sooooo hot

And a priest joke..

Father Bob had spent the last 47 years as a priest in the confession. He had heard it all and doled out 'our fathers' and 'hail marys' in a just and fair fashion to nearly every member of his little town. And that's the way it was...

Until one day when Father John got the call. Father Bob had overdone it the day before working in the garden and wouldn't be able to hear confession. Nervous Father John had been appointed to take his place, but not to worry, Father Bob had a cheat card listing all the usual sins and the pennance he proscribed. Father John had nothing to worry about.

Most of the day went by uneventful. He heard tons of the usual stuff: I hate my father, I slapped my child, I thought nasty thoughts about my neighbor's wife. In each case, Father John pulled up the crib sheet, followed the mess of lines and doled out the requisite punishment.

Around lunchtime, Loni Feist sat down in confession with something startling to share. "Father," she said, "Last night, I was with a man other than my husband. We had dinner, he took me home and out in the car, just to pay him for his kindness, I gave him a blowjob."

"Jesus, Mary-Mother-of-God!" cried Father John.

"Listen, Father, I knew it was wrong and I shouldn't have done it, but the way I figure, I saved myself a bit of sin, seeing as how I didn't actually have sex with him."

Father John certainly seen the logic in the argument and began frantically searching the crib sheet for help. When none was found, he quickly excused himself and ran off into the church in search of Father Bob.

Father Bob wasn't in his room, he wasn't in the garden, he wasn't in the restroom, the kitchen or anywhere else in the rectory that Father John could see. At his wit's end, Father John ran across big Mike, the gardener, as he was carefully putting away the garden hose.

"Quick, Mikey. You know Father Bob pretty well and have been here a while. Tell me, what does Father Bob give for a 'blow job?'"

"Usually it's just a Coke," Mike said earnestly, "but sometimes I get a candy bar, too."

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ophelia783

That one had me rolling on the floor laughing for a good ten minutes!

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~*~* He with a sharp tongue slits his own throat *~*~

batm4n_23

great jokes...thanks all

cyberhh

How do you make instant Easter?

Two boards and a Jew....

That is the most offensive joke I know. REALLY good at a church potluck.

zaiaz

Oooooooohhhhhh, you are all going to hell!..........keep my spot warm.

You guys are so funny.

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Self destruction - "Its my Nature", said the Scorpion...

Zyr

A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor replied: "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start
to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning
of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to
talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the
following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are ten commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not refered to as Daddy,
Junior and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as Big T
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say, "Eat
me!"
12. The Virgin Mary is not refered to as the "Mary with the
Cherry."
13. The reccommended grace before a meal is not, "Rub-A Dub-Dub,
Thanks for the grub, Yeah God."
14. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.
Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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"Oh, irony! Oh, no, no, we don't get that here. See, uh, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony's not really a high priority. We haven't had any irony here since about, uh, '83 when I was the only practitioner of it, and I stopped because I was tired of being stared at."

Omnia mutantu, nos et mutamur in illis.
All things change, and we change with them.
- Neil Gaiman, Marvel 1602

bhamv

Ha, good one Zyr, had me giggling in my chair with all fourteen of them!

Daoust

These sure are great. Can't wait till I see the thread called "Muhammad Jokes" or "Buddha Jokes".

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I have faith in a few things - divinity and grace
But even when I'm on my knees I know the devil preys

Glory's Sun

are you being sarcastic?

Daoust

No! I'm being serious !

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I have faith in a few things - divinity and grace
But even when I'm on my knees I know the devil preys

Glory's Sun

I mean we could probably find some muhammed jokes .. I bet they'd be funny


but if you thought you'd be offended..perhaps you shouldn't have come into this thread.

guthmund

I'm confused... Are you upset? Because the words say one thing, but the smiley face conveys something else...

Oh well, if you are please read further....

It's not like I lured you in here under false pretenses. I was pretty upfront about the thread being full of Jesus jokes. I even slapped the word 'offensive' in there to warn you.

So, despite the accurate description and the obvious warning, you still came in here and then took the time to leave a little reply...?

Well, if you're going to go out of your way to be offended, I'm glad I could help.

I would gladly start a Mohammed or a Buddha thread, if I could find the material. Sadly there isn't a whole lot out there, so I guess I'll have to pick on Jesus just a bit longer.

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CSflim

50 fun things for non christians to do in church


1. Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool sunday school class and say:
"If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."

2. A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled "Why god Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".

3. Put stray dogs in coat closets.

4. Un-tune the piano.

5. Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to heaven".

6. Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.

7. Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"

8. Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.

9. Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"

10. Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.

11. Start a wave.

12. Do cool things with the lighting.

13. When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".

14. Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.

15. When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"

16. Make up your own words to the songs.

17. Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.

18. Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.

19. If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"

20. Dress all in black.

21. Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.

22. If it is an easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.

23. At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of jesus.

24. Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.

25. Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.

26. Inflate balloons, then send them off.

27. Mark places in the bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.

28. Turn in the bible to the ten commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.

29. Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.

30. Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.

31.During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."

32. Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.

33. Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially stephen.

34. Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.

35. When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with the preacher's credit card number on it.

36. Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and lick them.

39. Fake a possession.

40. Distribute condoms.

41. Speak in tongues.

42. Ask where the nearest ashtray is.

43. Drool in the collection plate.

44. Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.

45. After a catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that pope john paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.

46. Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".

47. At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.

48. Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery,... Send the bill to the preacher.

49. Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the lord are upon you!!!"

50. Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.

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CSflim

What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.


Unfortunately that's the only Buddha joke in my repertoire. I'm all ears if anyone has any more...

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CSflim

Q: Why are there so few Buddhist rhythm and blues bands?
A: Because Buddhists don't have any soul.

Q: What does a Buddhist wish someone on their birthday?
A: May you have many happy returns.

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Poppinjay

How about a Palestinian joke?

Did you hear the Palestine arsenal is completely depleted?

They ran out of rocks.

And a muslim joke.....

Why do Muslims fly planes into buildings? They're dying to get laid.

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

Lwang9276

lol these r so funny!!!! wish i knew some so i could contribute

Daoust

I'm just looking for a little equality, that's all...

It's like this... Let's say I wanted to start a thread called "All your 'Guthmund is a homophobic, racist, sexist, beastiality practicing child molester' jokes go here:"... what would happen?

I would be banned with little fanfare or debate. Why? Because I offended someone, namely you. I thought the whole backbone of the TFP was to be accepting of everyone, regardless of race, religion or sexual orientation... Well, guess what? This thread offends me, whether I read the jokes in it or not. I can assume by the title of the thread that the content inside it is offensive. Therefore, if it offends me it contradicts the very mission statement of the TFP, and by that rationale this thread should be shut down. Am I wrong?

Just looking for some fairness here.

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I have faith in a few things - divinity and grace
But even when I'm on my knees I know the devil preys

Glory's Sun

flaming a member of the community and flaming a person who has yet to be proven exists to this day are different things. There are plenty of things on TFP that are offensive to people in some way. The TFP isn't about not offending someone it's about understanding and learning new ideas. However, in certain places there is a sort of anything goes (with exception to the rules of course). These places are humor and nonsense. If this sort of thing offends you, then I hope to Buddah that you never go into the politics board.

Why would you come in here trying to start something in a humor board? The title said offensive and it was meant to be funny. That sounds like a troll to me. The best thing you could have done was to pm the original poster and get his view on it or pm a mod to get their view. Congratulations on hijacking a funny thread.

EDIT: btw, I have an admins approval on this thread. Nuff said.

SecretMethod70

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Le temps détruit tout

"Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

guthmund

I didn't want to slap this in my little tirade...

CSfilm: By the way this is brilliant.
I couldn't find a whole lot of jokes that could translate well to the non-Buddhists, but here's a few all in the interest of fairness, I suppose.

Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: Because they have no attachments.

Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they are the light bulb.

Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Tree falling in the forest.

While in New York Buddha purchased a copy of the New York Times from a street vendor with a $10 dollar bill, when Buddha asked for his change the vendor looked with a smile and said, "Ah, change must come from within...

Never let it be said that I'm not an equal-opportunity offender.

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