213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Scipio · 05-26-2004, 08:08 PM

Found this on other crap. I read about 20% of it and laughed my ass off, but I have homework to do, so I decided to share it with everyone here.

================

The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army
SGT Shawn Stanford
Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hillarious list and posted them to the web. The site hadn't been updated in a couple of years and has since gone away; but the list is classic, so I saved it. A couple favorites: 2. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'. and 191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.

2. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'.

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

6. Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

7. Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.

9. Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'.

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.

11. Not allowed to join the communist party.

12. Not allowed to join any militia.

13. Not allowed to form any militia.

14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.

15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'

16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.

17. God may not contradict any of my orders.

18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty.

19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.

20. Must not taunt the French any more.

21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.

22. Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'.

23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.

24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.

25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.

26. Never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World War 2!'

27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).

28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).

29. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.

30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.

31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

35. Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')

36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).

37. Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'.

38. Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'.

39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

40. I do not have super-powers.

41. 'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message.

42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

44. I am not the atheist chaplain.

45. I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'.

46. I am not authorized to fire officers.

47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.

48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.

49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'.

50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

51. Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations.

52. Not allowed to yell 'Take that Cobra' at the rifle range.

53. Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket ' at the rifle range.

54. 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.

55. An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit.

56. An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape.

57. The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.

60. ‘The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.

61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean ‘I have been promoted three more times than you'.

62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.

63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.

65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

66. There is no ‘Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia.

67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to ‘Block out the space mind control lasers'.

69. May not pretend to be a facist stormtrooper, while on duty.

70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.

72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.

73. No military functions are to be performed ‘Skyclad'.

74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.

75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.

76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.

77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."

78. I may not call block my chain of command.

79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.

80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.

81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

82. May not form any press gangs.

83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."

84. Must not use military vehicles to ‘Squish' things.

85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.

86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the ‘field of honor'.

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as ‘Mom'.

89. Must not refer to the Commander as ‘Dad'.

90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.

91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony ‘Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.

93. Nerve gas is not funny.

94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

96. ‘Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid.

97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.

98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not ‘Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'

99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.

101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".

103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.

104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a ‘Cool Mint’ Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.

105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.

106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.

107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.

108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.

109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.

110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.

111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.

112. When saluting a ‘leg’ officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".

113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from ‘Full Monty’ every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".

114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.

115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.

116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.

117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.

118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.

119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.

120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.

121. I should not use government resources to ‘waterproof’ dirty magazines.

122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.

123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

127. ‘No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages’ does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.

128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.

129. The Microsoft ® ‘Dancing Paperclip’ is not authorized to countermand any orders.

130. ‘I’m drunk’ is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.

132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.

133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.

134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.

135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.

136. Shouting ‘Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!’ while out on a mission is bad.

137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.

138. Even if my commander did it.

139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.

140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.

141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove ‘The Pen is Mightier than the sword’.

142. 'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized PT.

143. I do not need to keep a 'range card' by my window.

144. 'K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free' is not an authorized uniform.

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.

148. Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.

149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.

150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.

151. The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!'

152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.

153. I should not assign new privates to 'guard the flight line'.

154. Shouldn't treat 'piss-bottles' with extra-strength icy hot.

155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.

156. I will no longer perform 'lap-dances' while in uniform.

157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

158. The revolution is not now.

159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.

160. No part of the military uniform is edible.

161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.

162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.

163. Take that hat off.

164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.

165. I do not get 'that time of month'.

166. No, the pants are not optional.

167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

169. Not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic films'

170. Not allowed to 'defect' to OPFOR during training missions.

171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.

172. 'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide.

173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).

175. We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'.

176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.

177. I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy rectangle thingie'.

178. I am not 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body'.

179. On Army documents, my race is not 'Other'.

180. Nor is it 'Secretariat, in the third'.

181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.

182. There is no FM for 'wall-to-wall counseling'.

183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®

184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'.

185. My name is not a killing word.

186. I am not the Emperor of anything.

187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.

188. May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'.

189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.

190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

192. The proper response to a briefing is not 'That's what you think'.

193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.

194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.

195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.

196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.

197. I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again.

198. Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions.

199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.

200. My chain of command is not interested in why I 'just happen' to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.

201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.

203. 'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."

205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")

206. Not allowed to get shot.

207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)

208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.

209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)

210. Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.

212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.

213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.

Dilbert1234567 · 05-27-2004, 06:54 AM

heh some are great

krazykemist · 05-28-2004, 01:06 AM

My favorite one of all
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

Silvy · 05-28-2004, 01:59 AM

I found this one hilarious:

Quote:

170. Not allowed to 'defect' to OPFOR during training missions.

This whole list reminded me of the book 'Catch 22'
They're both great!

Giltwist · 05-28-2004, 07:55 AM

This was absolutely great, especially ones like "Gozer does not live in my refrigerator"

I forwarded this to a friend of mine in the military. I can only hope she laughs at it and doesn't make a to-do list out of it.

Crack · 05-28-2004, 12:55 PM

I think this was posted here before, but I think it should be a "Sticky" because it is such an awesome list!

My Favs are in my sig.

indiretto · 05-28-2004, 01:28 PM

I laughed my ass off. Someone should win an award just for thinking of this stuff.

FFT · 05-29-2004, 12:15 AM

Quote:

197. I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again.

I'm going to have to try this sometime . . .

icy_ca · 05-31-2004, 12:34 PM

There is so much in there to make someone laugh...this is great.
Maybe the equivalent of PFC in the Iraqi Forces has something similar...

drewoods · 05-31-2004, 01:37 PM

There is a definite chance that reading all of these in one sitting is hazardous to your health. Caution, or access to compressed oxygen, is advised.

This may be one of the few times that LOL can be accurately used.

Cableguy · 06-02-2004, 02:25 PM

I've seen the one about the chewing gum...

Hillarity Ensued.

madhatter · 06-03-2004, 02:31 AM

lol thx

I like 97...THERE IS NO DANA, ONLY ZOOL!

Seer666 · 06-04-2004, 04:53 PM

You found the Skippy LIst!! Right on. So much of this stuff is so funny because it is true...

R3d · 06-05-2004, 04:49 PM

129. The Microsoft ® ‘Dancing Paperclip’ is not authorized to countermand any orders.

165. I do not get 'that time of month'.

166. No, the pants are not optional.

167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

169. Not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic films'

LOL

i saw these befores.. heres the link.. if ya wanna add to favorites.. but yea.. such a great list..

http://www.avalanchetankers.us/archives/000058.html

seizei · 06-08-2004, 12:00 AM

my two favourites:

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

hawkeye · 06-11-2004, 12:24 PM

wow. it's been damn near two years since I saw this.
thanks for putting it up, it's still just as funny.

Eric640 · 06-13-2004, 07:54 PM

At fist I didn't think it was gonna be two funny... somewhere around #5 I was laughing out loud and couldn't stop untill I finished.

flagpole · 06-15-2004, 03:02 PM

drinking milk + laughing = bad idea

Great list

vlendehon · 06-21-2004, 06:46 PM

ahhhh...this reminds me of my glory days of being in the seabees, running around through downtown santa barbara with my MOPP gear (gasmask and suit) shouting "the end is nigh" and doing the robot across busy streets.

JohnnyRoyale · 07-15-2004, 06:46 PM

jeez! I had to stop reading twice to keep from running out of air, I was laughing so hard!!! Great stuff!

unoaman · 08-02-2004, 06:09 AM

Great list...these just absolutely jumped out at me.

Might adopt the entire 213 as guidelines for my signature...

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

46. I am not authorized to fire officers.

173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

skaterpunk · 08-03-2004, 04:59 AM

Oldschool, but so great.

basmoq · 08-03-2004, 08:15 AM

Rootin Tootin good

neddy65 · 08-03-2004, 02:44 PM

I loved this so much that I sent it to all my buddies.

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
**and**
158. The revolution is not now.
**and**
29. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.
are some of my favorites!

Gortexfogg · 08-03-2004, 03:57 PM

This is just great stuff! I love number sixty seven:

67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

Glava · 08-03-2004, 07:42 PM

Quote:

5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

With the new Armed Forces plastic surgery policy, that may be innacurate right now.

WarriorBuddha · 08-04-2004, 04:48 AM

This is great stuff. Having been in the military some of those have even more humor than had I not.

05-26-2004, 08:08 PM	#1 (permalink)
Scipio Mencken Location: College	213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army Found this on other crap. I read about 20% of it and laughed my ass off, but I have homework to do, so I decided to share it with everyone here. ================ The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army SGT Shawn Stanford Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hillarious list and posted them to the web. The site hadn't been updated in a couple of years and has since gone away; but the list is classic, so I saved it. A couple favorites: 2. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'. and 191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot. 1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working. 2. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'. 3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic. 4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair. 5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants. 6. Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer. 7. Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me. 8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters. 9. Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'. 10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time. 11. Not allowed to join the communist party. 12. Not allowed to join any militia. 13. Not allowed to form any militia. 14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo. 15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!' 16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'. 17. God may not contradict any of my orders. 18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty. 19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right. 20. Must not taunt the French any more. 21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS. 22. Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'. 23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack. 24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true. 25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one. 26. Never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World War 2!' 27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne). 28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times). 29. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'. 30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash. 31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions. 32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post. 33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody. 34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I did bring enough for everybody. 35. Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker') 36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over). 37. Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'. 38. Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'. 39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once. 40. I do not have super-powers. 41. 'Keep on Trucking' is not a psychological warfare message. 42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters. 43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform. 44. I am not the atheist chaplain. 45. I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'. 46. I am not authorized to fire officers. 47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states. 48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision. 49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'. 50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours. 51. Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations. 52. Not allowed to yell 'Take that Cobra' at the rifle range. 53. Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket ' at the rifle range. 54. 'Napalm sticks to kids' is not a motivational phrase. 55. An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does not involve fruit. 56. An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape. 57. The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?' 58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid. 59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command. 60. ‘The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command. 61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean ‘I have been promoted three more times than you'. 62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz. 63. Command decisions do not need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority. 64. Inflatable novelties do not entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay. 65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed. 66. There is no ‘Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia. 67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot. 68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to ‘Block out the space mind control lasers'. 69. May not pretend to be a facist stormtrooper, while on duty. 70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication. 71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command. 72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty. 73. No military functions are to be performed ‘Skyclad'. 74. Woad is not camouflage makeup. 75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command. 76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is not a cadence. 77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for." 78. I may not call block my chain of command. 79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese. 80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions. 81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance. 82. May not form any press gangs. 83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...." 84. Must not use military vehicles to ‘Squish' things. 85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident. 86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the ‘field of honor'. 87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it. 88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as ‘Mom'. 89. Must not refer to the Commander as ‘Dad'. 90. Inflatable sheep do not need to be displayed during a room inspection. 91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad. 92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony ‘Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate. 93. Nerve gas is not funny. 94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that. 95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body. 96. ‘Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid. 97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator. 98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not ‘Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.' 99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield. 100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are. 101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon. 102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war". 103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did. 104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a ‘Cool Mint’ Listerine® bottle is not a good combination. 105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve. 106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s. 107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press. 108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI. 109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe. 110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything. 111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles. 112. When saluting a ‘leg’ officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir". 113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from ‘Full Monty’ every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff". 114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians. 115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me. 116. Crucifying mice - bad idea. 117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography. 118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them. 119. I cannot arrest children for being rude. 120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke. 121. I should not use government resources to ‘waterproof’ dirty magazines. 122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks. 123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases. 124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last. 125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks. 126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like. 127. ‘No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages’ does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable. 128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word. 129. The Microsoft ® ‘Dancing Paperclip’ is not authorized to countermand any orders. 130. ‘I’m drunk’ is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander. 131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113. 132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas. 133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio. 134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie. 135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot. 136. Shouting ‘Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!’ while out on a mission is bad. 137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk. 138. Even if my commander did it. 139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs. 140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights. 141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove ‘The Pen is Mightier than the sword’. 142. 'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized PT. 143. I do not need to keep a 'range card' by my window. 144. 'K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free' is not an authorized uniform. 145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test. 146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same. 147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®. 148. Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny. 149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out. 150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle. 151. The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!' 152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries. 153. I should not assign new privates to 'guard the flight line'. 154. Shouldn't treat 'piss-bottles' with extra-strength icy hot. 155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice. 156. I will no longer perform 'lap-dances' while in uniform. 157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts. 158. The revolution is not now. 159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search. 160. No part of the military uniform is edible. 161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea. 162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command. 163. Take that hat off. 164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin. 165. I do not get 'that time of month'. 166. No, the pants are not optional. 167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks. 168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio. 169. Not even if they are 'especially patriotic films' 170. Not allowed to 'defect' to OPFOR during training missions. 171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter. 172. 'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide. 173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance. 174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy). 175. We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'. 176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office. 177. I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy rectangle thingie'. 178. I am not 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body'. 179. On Army documents, my race is not 'Other'. 180. Nor is it 'Secretariat, in the third'. 181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS. 182. There is no FM for 'wall-to-wall counseling'. 183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ® 184. When operating a military vehicle I may not attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'. 185. My name is not a killing word. 186. I am not the Emperor of anything. 187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes. 188. May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'. 189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it. 190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty. 191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot. 192. The proper response to a briefing is not 'That's what you think'. 193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command. 194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command. 195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command. 196. I am not allowed to give tattoos. 197. I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again. 198. Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions. 199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born. 200. My chain of command is not interested in why I 'just happen' to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car. 201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad. 202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined. 203. 'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO. 204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration." 205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged") 206. Not allowed to get shot. 207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is not a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.) 208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain. 209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness only. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.) 210. Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country. 211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down. 212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them. 213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites. __________________ "Erections lasting more than 4 hours, though rare, require immediate medical attention."

05-27-2004, 06:54 AM	#2 (permalink)
Dilbert1234567 Devils Cabana Boy Location: Central Coast CA	heh some are great __________________ Donate Blood! "Love is not finding the perfect person, but learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." -Sam Keen

05-28-2004, 01:06 AM	#3 (permalink)
krazykemist Psycho Location: New Orleans	My favorite one of all 87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it. __________________ "Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." -- Tolstoy

05-28-2004, 12:55 PM	#6 (permalink)
Crack Misanthropic Location: Ohio! yay!	I think this was posted here before, but I think it should be a "Sticky" because it is such an awesome list! My Favs are in my sig. __________________ Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex. ~Halx

05-28-2004, 01:28 PM	#7 (permalink)
indiretto Tilted Location: USA, Oregon	I laughed my ass off. Someone should win an award just for thinking of this stuff. __________________ Happy Tree Friends... It’s more fun than a stick.

05-28-2004, 07:55 AM	#5 (permalink)
Giltwist Insane Location: Pennsylvania	This was absolutely great, especially ones like "Gozer does not live in my refrigerator" I forwarded this to a friend of mine in the military. I can only hope she laughs at it and doesn't make a to-do list out of it.

05-31-2004, 12:34 PM	#9 (permalink)
icy_ca Insane Location: Steel Town, Ontario	There is so much in there to make someone laugh...this is great. Maybe the equivalent of PFC in the Iraqi Forces has something similar... __________________ After all is said and done, more is said than done.

05-31-2004, 01:37 PM	#10 (permalink)
drewoods Upright Location: Haverford, PA	There is a definite chance that reading all of these in one sitting is hazardous to your health. Caution, or access to compressed oxygen, is advised. This may be one of the few times that LOL can be accurately used.

06-02-2004, 02:25 PM	#11 (permalink)
Cableguy Upright Location: Hurlburt Field, FL	I've seen the one about the chewing gum... Hillarity Ensued.

06-03-2004, 02:31 AM	#12 (permalink)
madhatter Upright	lol thx I like 97...THERE IS NO DANA, ONLY ZOOL!

06-04-2004, 04:53 PM	#13 (permalink)
Seer666 Oh dear God he breeded Location: Arizona	You found the Skippy LIst!! Right on. So much of this stuff is so funny because it is true... __________________ Bad spellers of the world untie!!! I am the one you warned me of I seem to have misplaced the bullet with your name on it, but I have a whole box addressed to occupant.

06-05-2004, 04:49 PM	#14 (permalink)
R3d Insane Location: Sask, Canada	129. The Microsoft ® ‘Dancing Paperclip’ is not authorized to countermand any orders. 165. I do not get 'that time of month'. 166. No, the pants are not optional. 167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks. 168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio. 169. Not even if they are 'especially patriotic films' LOL i saw these befores.. heres the link.. if ya wanna add to favorites.. but yea.. such a great list.. http://www.avalanchetankers.us/archives/000058.html

06-08-2004, 12:00 AM	#15 (permalink)
seizei Purple Monkey Dishwasher Location: CFB Gagetown, NB, CANADA	my two favourites: 145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test. 146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same. __________________ "If you're not weird, you're not interesting". I'm very interesting ... seizei; (adv - Japanese) at the most; at best; to the utmost; as much (far) as possible. (pronounced - say-zay)

06-11-2004, 12:24 PM	#16 (permalink)
hawkeye back from sabbatical Location: Mosptopia	wow. it's been damn near two years since I saw this. thanks for putting it up, it's still just as funny. __________________ You're not fat, You're just a giant ball of love, covered in anger.

06-13-2004, 07:54 PM	#17 (permalink)
Eric640 Tilted	At fist I didn't think it was gonna be two funny... somewhere around #5 I was laughing out loud and couldn't stop untill I finished.

08-03-2004, 04:59 AM	#22 (permalink)
skaterpunk The Ultimate Badass Location: Tampa	Oldschool, but so great. __________________ "The laws that keep us safe, these same laws condemn us to boredom. Without access to true chaos, we'll never have true peace. Unless everything can get worse, it won't get any better. This is all the stuff the Mommy used to tell him. She used to say, "The only frontier you have left is the world of intangibles. Everything else is sewn up too tight." Caged inside too many laws. By intangibles, she meant the Internet, movies, music, stories, art, rumors, computer programs, anything that isn't real. Virtual realities. Make-believe stuff. The culture. The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because it's only the intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die."

08-03-2004, 08:15 AM	#23 (permalink)
basmoq It's a girly girl! Location: OH, USA	Rootin Tootin good __________________ "There's someone out there for everyone - even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them."

06-15-2004, 03:02 PM	#18 (permalink)
flagpole Tilted Location: england	drinking milk + laughing = bad idea Great list __________________ Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. Catherine Zandonella

06-21-2004, 06:46 PM	#19 (permalink)
vlendehon Upright Location: orlando	ahhhh...this reminds me of my glory days of being in the seabees, running around through downtown santa barbara with my MOPP gear (gasmask and suit) shouting "the end is nigh" and doing the robot across busy streets.

07-15-2004, 06:46 PM	#20 (permalink)
JohnnyRoyale Psycho Location: Boston, MAss., USA	jeez! I had to stop reading twice to keep from running out of air, I was laughing so hard!!! Great stuff! __________________ I'm gonna be rich and famous, as soon I invent a device that lets you stab people in the face over the internet.

08-02-2004, 06:09 AM	#21 (permalink)
unoaman Loser Location: Scenic Drive	Great list...these just absolutely jumped out at me. Might adopt the entire 213 as guidelines for my signature... 33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody. 46. I am not authorized to fire officers. 173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

08-03-2004, 02:44 PM	#24 (permalink)
neddy65 Loves green eggs and ham Location: I'm just sittin' here watching the world go round and round	I loved this so much that I sent it to all my buddies. 58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid. and 158. The revolution is not now. and 29. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'. are some of my favorites! __________________ If you're travelling at the speed of light, and you turn the headlights on, do they do anything? My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die! Drink Dickens' Hard Cider because nothing makes a girl smile like a Hard DIckens' Cider!

08-03-2004, 03:57 PM	#25 (permalink)
Gortexfogg I and I Location: Stillwater, OK	This is just great stuff! I love number sixty seven: 67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

08-04-2004, 04:48 AM	#27 (permalink)
WarriorBuddha Crazy Location: Japan	This is great stuff. Having been in the military some of those have even more humor than had I not. __________________ Thockmorton knew if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.