Mister B

I hope this hasn't been posted yet.



How To Poop At Work
> We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
> in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much
> as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
> inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001
> Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions
> and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
>
> ESCAPEE.
> Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
> forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
> wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you
> receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release
> an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you
> are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not
> hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all
> involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
>
> JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
> Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
> pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
> should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
> left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
> occurred.
>
> COURTESY FLUSH.
> Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone
> of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
> undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has
> to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing
> the WALK OF SHAME.
>
> WALK OF SHAME.
> Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
> have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
> moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is
> best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the
> use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
>
> OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
> Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You
> will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
> newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
> for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
>
> THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
> Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency
> pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor
> the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE
> HAVENS.
>
> SAFE HAVENS.
> Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
> can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
> opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
> entering the bathroom.
>
> TURD BURGLAR:
> Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall
> and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
> vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this
> occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
> you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
>
> CAMO-COUGH.
> Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
> bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
> WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
> used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
>
> ASTAIRE.
> Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
> Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
> that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
> immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
>
> WATERMELON.
> Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
> water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
> coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
>
> HAVANA OMELET.
> Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
> in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
> Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
>
> UNCLE TED.
> Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
> spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
> the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the
> crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom
> is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
>
> FLY BY.
> Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
> and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
> leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
> People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
> the bathroom.

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Crack

Very acurate... and sad, also funny!

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insatiable

OMG....been there....struck a major funny bone here !
So where is the "Walk of Innocence" ? You know where you walk into an empty bathroom after someone has had a major dump, you do your thing, you're at the sink, and then someone walks in....you wanna say "hey, it wasn't me" !

SSJwrestler

OMG! That is so true...but at the same time POSITIVELY hilarious.

phukraut

"pooping at work will become a pure pleasure." wow freud must be laughing from beyond the grave.. btw: safe haven is the one i love to use.

blizzak

heh someone posted this on the back of the bathroom door in my res
i'm always one to use the astaires

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Bobdoler

same theory applies at school, heh

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woot

sbester

So true

asquint

good advice and oh so tru, wish more people did the courtesy flush

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aphex140

Spot on the mark

I have forwarded to all the straight laced secretaries around the work, esp M.D P.A ( known as brumptrara- a jokename from the womens toilets,she was given).


What about the ' crouching tiger' the person who does not let their arse touch the seat, hovers in the air and so creates multiple watermelons.


LOL

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Moskie

I am definately a Frequent Flyer.

If there's anyone in the bathroom already, I sqeeze a few drops out at the urinal and come back later!

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Paeder

thats soooo funny. havana omlet is the best. what about those guys that put the toilet paper down on the seat before they go and then they leave it on there after they are done. i HATE those guys.

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moonstrucksoul

i shit in cold - stinky, Honeybuckets, if u work in an office with a toilet nearby, then you might not realize how lucky you are. a nice warm seat to rest my ass on.

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thedrake

can't poop outside my house!

Slacks_01

pooping at work is the best!

loganmule

very good summary and description of various bathroom situations...what about the one where the pooper sprays poop (Havana Omelet) and it's so nasty that it sticks to the inside wall of the toilet, and isn't flushed away?

MexicanOnABike

ahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahah!~!~!!! :~<> :>
that was so fucking funny!!! and soooo true... its like the pissing in the stalls one.

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KellyC

holy shit!! my stomach hurts from laughing....so damn funnyyyyyyy

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

zf0enix

Oh, that is soooo funny! Now I have to poop.

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One step closer to the edge...

eotlemac

that is really funny....

Good post!

floydthebarber

ding ding...very true.

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tommy thompson

Well, the "Out of The Closet Pooper" is definately my boss!!

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sartan

Very funny, and so true. Good one.

Stare At The Sun

I laughed out loud many times, thanks for postin!

batm4n_23

it is funny because it is true

mrbuck12000

here i sit broken harted...
came to shit....
instead i farted

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"There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, it's probably in Tennessee --that says, fool me once, shame on ... shame on you. Fool me ... You can't get fooled again." - G.W. Bush quoted by the Baltimore Sun - Oct 6, 2002

absofsteel

I have used CAMO-COUGH to thwart a TURD BURGLAR!

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Viking1064

This was so true and funny. I am always scouting out the bathroom for privacy!!!!!

lrsurfer

Hehehehe, Good stuff

indiretto

Oh so true... funny post.

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