I hope this hasn't been posted yet.
How To Poop At Work
> We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
> in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much
> as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
> inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001
> Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions
> and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
>
> ESCAPEE.
> Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
> forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
> wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you
> receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release
> an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you
> are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not
> hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all
> involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
>
> JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
> Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
> pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
> should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
> left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
> occurred.
>
> COURTESY FLUSH.
> Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone
> of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
> undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has
> to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing
> the WALK OF SHAME.
>
> WALK OF SHAME.
> Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
> have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
> moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is
> best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the
> use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
>
> OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
> Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You
> will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
> newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
> for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
>
> THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
> Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency
> pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor
> the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE
> HAVENS.
>
> SAFE HAVENS.
> Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
> can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
> opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
> entering the bathroom.
>
> TURD BURGLAR:
> Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall
> and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
> vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this
> occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
> you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
>
> CAMO-COUGH.
> Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
> bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
> WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
> used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
>
> ASTAIRE.
> Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
> Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
> that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
> immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
>
> WATERMELON.
> Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
> water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
> coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
>
> HAVANA OMELET.
> Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
> in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
> Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
>
> UNCLE TED.
> Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
> spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
> the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the
> crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom
> is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
>
> FLY BY.
> Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
> and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
> leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
> People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
> the bathroom.
