Geek Jokes - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

uncle phil · 04-27-2003, 01:55 PM

I suppose someone had to start a thread like this...

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.
The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a
beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room.
The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every
five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its
current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks
at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through
this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms
out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the
physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes
light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused.
"Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?" The physicist smiles
and replied, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical
purposes!"

vevaphon · 04-27-2003, 02:34 PM

ouch.

Peetster · 04-27-2003, 02:41 PM

And who better to start it than you! Thanks!

uncle phil · 04-27-2003, 02:48 PM

well, guys, keep it alive...

forgotten_dream · 04-28-2003, 02:39 AM

Heh. Niiiice. Not like a math geek would know what to do once he got there anyway.

myfathead · 04-28-2003, 02:47 AM

uncle phil · 04-28-2003, 02:47 AM

Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you
guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and
stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need
is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better,
like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."

zaiaz · 04-28-2003, 04:25 AM

Nice one.

ratbastid · 04-28-2003, 04:54 AM

A mathematician visited a native american reservation.

He spoke with an old native american woman who was sitting on a buffalo pelt. She said, "My son runs so fast, he can reach that mountain all the way over there by sundown."

Then he spoke with a woman sitting on a coyote pelt. She said, "My son is so strong, he can wrestle a buffalo to the ground."

Then he spoke with a woman sitting on a hippopotamus skin. She said, "I have no sons. But I can run to the mountain before sundown, and I can wrestle a buffalo to the ground."

Then the mathematician realized that the squah of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squahs of the other two hides.

crackpot · 04-28-2003, 05:18 AM

I've just emit a sort of half-groan, half-laugh sound. Uh, a graph, if you will...
Not sure if that was a really, really bad attempt at humour, but I meant it. Gosh I'm tired.

Peetster · 04-28-2003, 05:22 AM

Did you hear the one about the statistician?

Probably....

uncle phil · 04-28-2003, 05:23 AM

that was great, rat...

Peetster · 04-28-2003, 05:29 AM

What's the difference between a Quantum Theorist and a Beauty Consultant?

The Theorist uses Plank's constant as a foundation, where the Beauty Consultant uses Max Factor as a foundation.

Peetster · 04-28-2003, 05:30 AM

OK, here we go...

Why won't Heisenbergs' operators live in the suburbs?

They don't commute.

*wince*

uncle phil · 04-28-2003, 05:35 AM

go wild, pete...

Peetster · 04-28-2003, 07:02 AM

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"How much will that be?" he asks.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge".

warrrreagl · 04-28-2003, 08:07 AM

Here are some more.....

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain) An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter) A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin) A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

uncle phil · 04-29-2003, 03:51 AM

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all challenged with a
problem: to fry an egg when there is a fire in the house. The
engineer just grabs a huge bucket of water, runs over to the fire, and
puts it out. The physicist thinks for a long while, and then measures
a precise amount of water into a container. He takes it over to the
fire, pours it on, and with the last drop the fire goes out. The
mathematician pores over pencil and paper. After a few minutes he
goes "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to frying the egg.

Sequel: This time they are asked simply to fry an egg (no fire). The
engineer just does it, kludging along; the physicist calculates
carefully and produces a carefully cooked egg; and the mathematician
lights a fire in the corner, and says "I have reduced it to the
previous problem."

uncle phil · 04-30-2003, 02:28 AM

A physicist and a mathematician setting in a faculty lounge.
Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a
bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and
puts out the fire. The second day, the same two sit in the same
lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the
mathematician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the
physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one.

pazza · 04-30-2003, 03:12 AM

oh no, these jokes. They hurt so good

uncle phil · 05-01-2003, 04:47 AM

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying in three
adjoining cabins at a decrepit old motel.

First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire on the bathroom vanity.
He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs it, throws it out the window,
and goes back to sleep.

Later that night the physicist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees
that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to
himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the
temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning
material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying
water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall,
turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.

The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the
window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the
bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He immediately
sees that the problem reduces to one that has already been solved and
goes back to sleep.

uncle phil · 05-02-2003, 03:14 AM

A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:

Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and
a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?

P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out
the fire.

M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out
the fire.

Then they were asked this question:

Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to
a hydrant. What would you do?

P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.

M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire,
reducing the problem to a previously solved form.

GM2 · 05-02-2003, 06:11 AM

A hydrogen atom and an oxygen atom are talking in a bar. Suddenly the hydrogen atom looks shocked and says, "I think I've lost an electron!"

The oxygen atom says, "Are you sure?"

The hydrogen atom replies, "Yes, I'm positive!"

lionrock · 05-02-2003, 10:00 PM

I'm only half smart enough to get these, but what I understand is funny in a groan inducing sort of way.

loganmule · 05-02-2003, 10:37 PM

good one

Quietus · 05-02-2003, 11:48 PM

e^x and x^2 go to a party. x^2 is having a great time at the party, mingling with everyone and laughing it up. He sees e^x sitting off in a corner by himself, not socializing at all. He comes up to e^x and says, "Why don't you integrate?" e^x says, "Dude, it doesn't matter..."

uncle phil · 05-03-2003, 03:46 AM

There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They
went to see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem
solving skills.

He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty. He put each man in a
room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table. He said
"Boil the water". Both men moved the pot from the table to the stove
and turned on the burner to boil the water. Next, he put them into a
room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the floor. Again,
he said "Boil the water". The first man put the pot on the stove and
turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be an Engineer,
because he could solve each problem individually. The second man
moved the pot from the floor to the table, and then moved the pot from
the table to the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told
him to be a mathematician because he reduced the problem to a
previously solved problem.

ARTelevision · 05-03-2003, 03:54 AM

Great thread, unclephil!
Thanks for the contribs all of you!
I'll be stopping in to check out this thread a lot, I hope!

heh, Peetster, "no charge"...

DEI37 · 05-03-2003, 06:10 AM

These are some excellent jokes!

Eviltree · 05-03-2003, 04:46 PM

did you know 80% of all statistics are made up on the spot?

ForgottenKnight · 05-03-2003, 11:04 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Eviltree
did you know 80% of all statistics are made up on the spot?

I thought it was 67%....

I understand all these jokes! I'm a NERD! NNNNOOOOO!!! I hear alarms! They scream... NERD ALERT! NERD ALERT! NERD ALERT!.... there seems to be panic and confusion everywhere! And somehow I feel perfectly comfortable....

mirevolver · 05-03-2003, 11:09 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by NiceGuy
I thought it was 67%....

I thought it was 69%

uncle phil · 05-04-2003, 04:01 AM

To tell a difference between a mathematician and an engineer, perform
this experiment. Put an empty kettle in the middle of the kitchen
floor and tell your subjects to boil some water.

The engineer will fill the kettle with water, put it on the stove, and
turn the flame on. The mathematician will do the same thing.

Next, put the kettle already filled with water on the stove, and ask
the subjects to boil the water. The engineer will turn the flame on.
The mathematician will empty the kettle and put it in the middle of
the kitchen floor... thereby reducing the problem to one that has
already been solved!

Snakeyes · 05-04-2003, 08:30 AM

phil you've told the same damn joke in 46 variations

uncle phil · 05-05-2003, 06:41 AM

So a mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are out hunting
together. They spy a deer(*) in the woods.

The physicist calculates the velocity of the deer and the effect of
gravity on the bullet, aims his rifle and fires. Alas, he misses; the
bullet passes three feet behind the deer. The deer bolts some yards,
but comes to a halt, still within sight of the trio.

"Shame you missed," comments the engineer, "but of course with an
ordinary gun, one would expect that." He then levels his special
deer-hunting gun, which he rigged together from an ordinary rifle, a
sextant, a compass, a barometer, and a bunch of flashing lights which
don't do anything but impress onlookers, and fires. Alas, his bullet
passes three feet in front of the deer, who by this time wises up and
vanishes for good.

"Well," says the physicist, "your contraption didn't get it either."

"What do you mean?" pipes up the mathematician. "Between the two of
you, that was a perfect shot!"

(*) How they knew it was a deer:

The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it
must be a deer.

The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it
to a previously solved problem.

The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer.

MikeyChalupa · 05-05-2003, 08:06 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Snakeyes
phil you've told the same damn joke in 46 variations

No, he's just reduced each joke to a previously used punchline.

-Mikey

MikeyChalupa · 05-05-2003, 08:10 AM

Some units of measurement:

Unit of beauty required to launch one ship = milli-Helen
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
1 millionth mouthwash = 1 microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = Mach Turtle
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling = 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = bananosecond
A Half-Bath = 1 demijohn
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single step," the first step of a one-mile journey = 1 Milwaukee
1 million microphones = 1 phone
1 million phones = 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
365.25 days = 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
1 million billion picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologs = 5 dialogs
5 dialogs = 1 decalog
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 wharves = 1 paradox

-Mikey

uncle phil · 05-06-2003, 02:20 AM

A computer scientist, mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were
travelling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the
window of the train.

"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."

"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are
black."

"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least
one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is
black!"

"Oh, no!" shouts the computer scientist, "A special case!"

yotta · 05-06-2003, 02:42 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by ratbastid
A mathematician visited a native american reservation.

He spoke with an old native american woman who was sitting on a buffalo pelt. She said, "My son runs so fast, he can reach that mountain all the way over there by sundown."

Then he spoke with a woman sitting on a coyote pelt. She said, "My son is so strong, he can wrestle a buffalo to the ground."

Then he spoke with a woman sitting on a hippopotamus skin. She said, "I have no sons. But I can run to the mountain before sundown, and I can wrestle a buffalo to the ground."

Then the mathematician realized that the squah of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squahs of the other two hides.

XD. I so want to hit you...,

Orionath · 05-06-2003, 04:12 AM

A good thread, for all practical purposes.

04-27-2003, 01:55 PM	#1 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	Geek Jokes...please contribute I suppose someone had to start a thread like this... A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?" The physicist smiles and replied, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!" __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it. Last edited by uncle phil; 04-27-2003 at 05:16 PM..

04-27-2003, 02:34 PM	#2 (permalink)
vevaphon Insane Location: Ass end of Nowhere	ouch. __________________ "Faster. And faster still. Until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death." --- DKM

04-27-2003, 02:48 PM	#4 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	well, guys, keep it alive... __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

04-28-2003, 02:39 AM	#5 (permalink)
forgotten_dream Psycho	Heh. Niiiice. Not like a math geek would know what to do once he got there anyway. __________________ "A ouija board just works better if you've made it yourself. It's sortof like how 'Clue' is more interesting when one of you has actually killed someone."

04-28-2003, 02:47 AM	#7 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper." __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

04-27-2003, 02:41 PM	#3 (permalink)
Peetster Right Now Location: Home	And who better to start it than you! Thanks!

04-28-2003, 02:47 AM	#6 (permalink)
myfathead Upright Location: san francisco bay area	ha

04-28-2003, 04:25 AM	#8 (permalink)
zaiaz Psycho Location: State of confusion...wait that's medication.	Nice one. __________________ Self destruction - "Its my Nature", said the Scorpion...

04-28-2003, 04:54 AM	#9 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	A mathematician visited a native american reservation. He spoke with an old native american woman who was sitting on a buffalo pelt. She said, "My son runs so fast, he can reach that mountain all the way over there by sundown." Then he spoke with a woman sitting on a coyote pelt. She said, "My son is so strong, he can wrestle a buffalo to the ground." Then he spoke with a woman sitting on a hippopotamus skin. She said, "I have no sons. But <i>I</i> can run to the mountain before sundown, and <i>I</i> can wrestle a buffalo to the ground." Then the mathematician realized that the squah of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squahs of the other two hides.

04-28-2003, 05:18 AM	#10 (permalink)
crackpot Junkie Location: Montreal	I've just emit a sort of half-groan, half-laugh sound. Uh, a graph, if you will... Not sure if that was a really, really bad attempt at humour, but I meant it. Gosh I'm tired.

04-28-2003, 05:22 AM	#11 (permalink)
Peetster Right Now Location: Home	Did you hear the one about the statistician? Probably....

04-28-2003, 05:23 AM	#12 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	that was great, rat... __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

04-28-2003, 05:29 AM	#13 (permalink)
Peetster Right Now Location: Home	What's the difference between a Quantum Theorist and a Beauty Consultant? The Theorist uses Plank's constant as a foundation, where the Beauty Consultant uses Max Factor as a foundation.

04-28-2003, 05:30 AM	#14 (permalink)
Peetster Right Now Location: Home	OK, here we go... Why won't Heisenbergs' operators live in the suburbs? They don't commute. wince

04-28-2003, 05:35 AM	#15 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	go wild, pete... __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-02-2003, 10:37 PM	#25 (permalink)
loganmule Junkie Location: midwest	good one

04-28-2003, 07:02 AM	#16 (permalink)
Peetster Right Now Location: Home	A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How much will that be?" he asks. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge".

04-28-2003, 08:07 AM	#17 (permalink)
warrrreagl pinche vato Location: backwater, Third World, land of cotton	Here are some more..... A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain) An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter) A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin) A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. __________________ Living is easy with eyes closed.

04-29-2003, 03:51 AM	#18 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all challenged with a problem: to fry an egg when there is a fire in the house. The engineer just grabs a huge bucket of water, runs over to the fire, and puts it out. The physicist thinks for a long while, and then measures a precise amount of water into a container. He takes it over to the fire, pours it on, and with the last drop the fire goes out. The mathematician pores over pencil and paper. After a few minutes he goes "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to frying the egg. Sequel: This time they are asked simply to fry an egg (no fire). The engineer just does it, kludging along; the physicist calculates carefully and produces a carefully cooked egg; and the mathematician lights a fire in the corner, and says "I have reduced it to the previous problem." __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it. Last edited by uncle phil; 02-05-2008 at 02:33 PM..

04-30-2003, 02:28 AM	#19 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	A physicist and a mathematician setting in a faculty lounge. Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and puts out the fire. The second day, the same two sit in the same lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the mathematician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one. __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

04-30-2003, 03:12 AM	#20 (permalink)
pazza Insane Location: Australia	oh no, these jokes. They hurt so good __________________ The above thoughts are not necessarily the thoughts of this user.

05-01-2003, 04:47 AM	#21 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying in three adjoining cabins at a decrepit old motel. First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire on the bathroom vanity. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs it, throws it out the window, and goes back to sleep. Later that night the physicist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep. The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He immediately sees that the problem reduces to one that has already been solved and goes back to sleep. __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-02-2003, 03:14 AM	#22 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question: Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do? P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire. M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire. Then they were asked this question: Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do? P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve. M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form. __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-02-2003, 06:11 AM	#23 (permalink)
GM2 Insane	A hydrogen atom and an oxygen atom are talking in a bar. Suddenly the hydrogen atom looks shocked and says, "I think I've lost an electron!" The oxygen atom says, "Are you sure?" The hydrogen atom replies, "Yes, I'm positive!"

05-02-2003, 10:00 PM	#24 (permalink)
lionrock Insane	I'm only half smart enough to get these, but what I understand is funny in a groan inducing sort of way.

05-02-2003, 11:48 PM	#26 (permalink)
Quietus Tilted Location: Tempe, AZ	e^x and x^2 go to a party. x^2 is having a great time at the party, mingling with everyone and laughing it up. He sees e^x sitting off in a corner by himself, not socializing at all. He comes up to e^x and says, "Why don't you integrate?" e^x says, "Dude, it doesn't matter..."

05-03-2003, 03:46 AM	#27 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They went to see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem solving skills. He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty. He put each man in a room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table. He said "Boil the water". Both men moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on the burner to boil the water. Next, he put them into a room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the floor. Again, he said "Boil the water". The first man put the pot on the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be an Engineer, because he could solve each problem individually. The second man moved the pot from the floor to the table, and then moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be a mathematician because he reduced the problem to a previously solved problem. __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-03-2003, 03:54 AM	#28 (permalink)
ARTelevision I change Location: USA	Great thread, unclephil! Thanks for the contribs all of you! I'll be stopping in to check out this thread a lot, I hope! heh, Peetster, "no charge"... __________________ create evolution

05-03-2003, 06:10 AM	#29 (permalink)
DEI37 Go faster! Location: Wisconsin	These are some excellent jokes!

05-03-2003, 04:46 PM	#30 (permalink)
Eviltree Psycho Location: British Columbia	did you know 80% of all statistics are made up on the spot?

05-04-2003, 04:01 AM	#33 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	To tell a difference between a mathematician and an engineer, perform this experiment. Put an empty kettle in the middle of the kitchen floor and tell your subjects to boil some water. The engineer will fill the kettle with water, put it on the stove, and turn the flame on. The mathematician will do the same thing. Next, put the kettle already filled with water on the stove, and ask the subjects to boil the water. The engineer will turn the flame on. The mathematician will empty the kettle and put it in the middle of the kitchen floor... thereby reducing the problem to one that has already been solved! __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-04-2003, 08:30 AM	#34 (permalink)
Snakeyes Loser Location: Toronto	phil you've told the same damn joke in 46 variations

05-05-2003, 06:41 AM	#35 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	So a mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are out hunting together. They spy a deer() in the woods. The physicist calculates the velocity of the deer and the effect of gravity on the bullet, aims his rifle and fires. Alas, he misses; the bullet passes three feet behind the deer. The deer bolts some yards, but comes to a halt, still within sight of the trio. "Shame you missed," comments the engineer, "but of course with an ordinary gun, one would expect that." He then levels his special deer-hunting gun, which he rigged together from an ordinary rifle, a sextant, a compass, a barometer, and a bunch of flashing lights which don't do anything but impress onlookers, and fires. Alas, his bullet passes three feet in front of the deer, who by this time wises up and vanishes for good. "Well," says the physicist, "your contraption didn't get it either." "What do you mean?" pipes up the mathematician. "Between the two of you, that was a perfect shot!" () How they knew it was a deer: The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it must be a deer. The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it to a previously solved problem. The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer. __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-05-2003, 08:10 AM	#37 (permalink)
MikeyChalupa Squid Location: USS George Washington	Some units of measurement: Unit of beauty required to launch one ship = milli-Helen Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton 1 millionth mouthwash = 1 microscope Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = Mach Turtle Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knot-furlong 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling = 1 lite year 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = bananosecond A Half-Bath = 1 demijohn 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step," the first step of a one-mile journey = 1 Milwaukee 1 million microphones = 1 phone 1 million phones = 1 megaphone 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles 365.25 days = 1 unicycle 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds 10 cards = 1 decacards 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin 1 million billion picolos = 1 gigolo 10 rations = 1 decoration 100 rations = 1 C-ration 10 millipedes = 1 centipede 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent 10 monologs = 5 dialogs 5 dialogs = 1 decalog 2 monograms = 1 diagram 8 nickels = 2 paradigms 2 wharves = 1 paradox -Mikey

05-06-2003, 02:20 AM	#38 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	A computer scientist, mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were travelling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train. "Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black." "Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black." "No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!" "Oh, no!" shouts the computer scientist, "A special case!" __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-06-2003, 04:12 AM	#40 (permalink)
Orionath Crazy Location: Scapponia	A good thread, for all practical purposes. __________________ What awful irony is this? We are as gods, but know it not. http://www.pbase.com/procyon_groot&view=recent/