Brewmaniac

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.



I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.



A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.


The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.



No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.


A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.


A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.


Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.


Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'



I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.


A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'


A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'


A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.


The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.



The G.I. who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



A backward poet writes inverse.


In democracy it's your vote that counts, in feudalism it's your Count that votes.


When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.


Don't join dangerous cults -- Practice safe sects!

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"That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"

uncle phil

these are freakin' great...

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"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
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"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
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never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

KellyC

The first one is the best one. Thanks.

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

carrot glace

these are priceless

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"blaine is a pain and that is the truth"

Shell

I can't pick a favorite...i lov'em all! Thanks for the fun

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..."Say what you think. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" ~ Dr. Seuss

Nisses

Love em, thanks Brew!

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Moderation should be moderately moderated.

Jetée

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As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Acetylene

HAHA! I loved the Math Disruption and the Discount Tent, too

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There's no justice. There's just us.

Jetée

“When I go to West Africa I'm Ghana make sure Togo to Mali and then I can say I've Benin Timbuktu.”

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As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Jetée

Why was the ink drop sad? Because her dad was in the pen and she didn't know how long the sentence would be!

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As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Jetée

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As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Jetée

“Many years ago I had this crazy idea about writing a novel about the Civil War but then suddenly it was all gone with the wind.”

There is only one way to open the door and that is the key.

I was going to start an Apathy Anonymous group, but why bother.

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

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As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

thespian86

cartoonist found dead. details are sketchy haha.

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EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

Jozrael

I don't get the discount tent T_T

Redlemon

Spoiler: "discontent"

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I can't read your signature. Sorry.

Jetée

There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.

The careless pyromaniac made an ash of himself.

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As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

grumpyolddude

I've posted this elsewhere long ago, but it fits nicely here as well:

A man of incredible wealth
Refused to lie dead on the shelf
So he ground his own ass
Into bifocal glass
And made a spectacle of himself

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"Regret can be a harder pill to swallow than failure .With failure you at least know you gave it a chance..." David Howard

gamefreak1398

heh shakespeare

Xerxys

Reese

I like this one, not because it's the funniest but because I enjoy the double meaning. Is it talking about Fruit Flies(the bug) liking bananas or is it talking about flying bananas..

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“It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick” - Dave Barry

squeeeb

you were bred in ol' kentucky, but your just a crumb to me...

i want to marry my horse, but i can't afford a bridle suite

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onward to mayhem!

flat5

If I told you I loved your body, would you hold it against me?

squeeeb

well known local junkie named Artie hits the streets jonesing for a fix. grabs an old lady by the neck, yells "give me all your money or i'll strangle you!" but she only has 50 cents in change, not enough for his fix and he is enraged, so a few minutes later he does the same thing to a kid; grabs him by the neck, yells "give me all your money or i'll strangle you!," but again, the kid only has 50 cents. he gets busted, next day in the paper is the article : Artie chokes two for a dollar.

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onward to mayhem!

Jetée

“After watching Casino Royale, girls flocked to a chemistry class because they heard there was a single bond there.”

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As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Jetée

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As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

p0thead

wow, i liked them! definitely going to share these with people, thanks!

AlexDigitalx

lol! great posts!

Crack

Shit was so cash.

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Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

Mikey'56

That was awesome.

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Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body,
But rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting..Holy Shit! What a Ride!

Marlon's Mom

Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office, terribly distressed. He says, "Doc, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor ponders a moment or two, checks a medical journal, nods his head and says, "Just as I thought. Your problem, sir, is that you're two tents."



Also:

* What's Mary short for?
* Umm... She's got no legs?

Jetée

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As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Zesty

Awesome

flat5

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

I'll check back to see if this is answered.

Punk.of.Ages

Eliphino...
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Jen's real big on these things. her favorite is "I lost my virginity but I still have the box it came in."

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"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

fresnelly

You have to be patient for the set-up but oh, the pay off:

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Building an artificial intelligence that appreciates Mozart is easy. Building an A.I. that appreciates a theme restaurant is the real challenge - Kit Roebuck - Nine Planets Without Intelligent Life

MiisTran2010

ha ha i have a lot fun from you thank you
I share now

The Bachelor and his Cat
A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe.
Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies.
A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed.
His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"
In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend,
whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually?
You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message
'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written,
'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip.
A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend.
It read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."

Brubricker

She wanted to find a good man but every guy she dated turned out to be a big dick. She just couldn't take it anymore but they kept coming around.

Lindy

After the end of WW II a freed POW gets out of the Army and collects a lot of back pay. He decides to buy his wife a new car, but can't decide what kind to get so he asks some of his Army buddies for advice.

"Why don't you buy a Nash with your cash?" says one.

"Get her a Ford so she won't be bored." says another.

"Buy her a new Kaiser and surprise 'er!" is another suggestion.

"Get her a Frazer and amaze 'er!" is also offered.

Finally the GI gets a big grin on his face and says:
"I think I'll get her a Tucker!" ...

Mync

dude man, halarious puns!

Jetée

bumping this topic back up...

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As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi