Rules of Etiquette for Cats - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

maleficent · 04-06-2006, 04:42 AM

1. If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good.
2. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
4. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own.
6. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
7. For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
8. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
9. If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
10. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
11, For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table, like pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.
12. Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 and 4 a.m.

ShaniFaye · 04-06-2006, 05:04 AM

13. If a person is trying to use the computer, stretch yourself all the way across the keyboard in such as way as to also obstruct their view of the bottom half of the computer screen

newtx · 04-06-2006, 05:52 AM

1:A Make gagging sounds even if unable to throw up. (keeps them honest)
2:A If sitting and staring does not work use 1:A on the guest.
4:A Keep claws out on expensive clothing.
6:A Hide behind toilet and come out at the worst possible moment for guest.
7:A Hiss madly only after they pick you up.
8:A After getting through the door, hide and wait until door is shut again and demand out. (most effective in the middle of the night)
9:A If it is a really good book- lie on top of open book and use the gagging ploy.
12:A Works best if there are at least two cats in the house. Stage realistic fights complete with hair for evidence. When lights come on, lie there and look innocent.

14 Use litter box some to keep the fresh litter coming. The rest of time use a corner of the room. (dustballs work great for partial covering)

JustJess · 04-06-2006, 05:58 AM

Quote:

6. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
9. If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.

Brilliant. Just brilliant! But I don't mind them keeping me company while I pee... silly kitties.

God of Thunder · 04-06-2006, 07:44 AM

14. Wait until two-year-old is finally asleep and being carried back to her room. Follow mommy back and get right next to the bed and start asking to be fed. Remember, be a LOUD as possible, this will not only wake the two-year-old that took two hours to put to sleep, but insure you get fed immediatly, just to shut you up.

/speaks from experience.

Damn cat!!

noodle · 04-06-2006, 02:42 PM

15. Weekends are for pussies. Be sure to wait until about 15 minutes prior to your people's normal waking time and make sure they rise to a beautiful serenade each and every day.

15 a. Daylight Savings Time does not exist. They should be up at the same position of the sun, regardless.

16. The clean laundry was put there for you. Pull up at least one to two items of clothing and crawl underneath to curl up and sleep. Aim for the light-colored dress shirts, if you are a dark-furred individual and vice versa for the light-furred.

Dilbert1234567 · 04-06-2006, 05:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maleficent

1. If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good.

if all else fails, find a slipper or a shoe, preferably as deep inside as you can get it, not a sandal though, its to easy to spot it before it is put on.

04-06-2006, 04:42 AM	#1 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	Rules of Etiquette for Cats 1. If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good. 2. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better. 4. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own. 6. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. 7. For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles. 8. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season. 9. If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself. 10. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it. 11, For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table, like pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time. 12. Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 and 4 a.m. __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

04-06-2006, 05:04 AM	#2 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	13. If a person is trying to use the computer, stretch yourself all the way across the keyboard in such as way as to also obstruct their view of the bottom half of the computer screen __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

04-06-2006, 07:44 AM	#5 (permalink)
God of Thunder Talk nerdy to me Location: Flint, MI	14. Wait until two-year-old is finally asleep and being carried back to her room. Follow mommy back and get right next to the bed and start asking to be fed. Remember, be a LOUD as possible, this will not only wake the two-year-old that took two hours to put to sleep, but insure you get fed immediatly, just to shut you up. /speaks from experience. Damn cat!! __________________ I reject your reality, and substitute my own -- Adam Savage

04-06-2006, 05:52 AM	#3 (permalink)
newtx Addict	1:A Make gagging sounds even if unable to throw up. (keeps them honest) 2:A If sitting and staring does not work use 1:A on the guest. 4:A Keep claws out on expensive clothing. 6:A Hide behind toilet and come out at the worst possible moment for guest. 7:A Hiss madly only after they pick you up. 8:A After getting through the door, hide and wait until door is shut again and demand out. (most effective in the middle of the night) 9:A If it is a really good book- lie on top of open book and use the gagging ploy. 12:A Works best if there are at least two cats in the house. Stage realistic fights complete with hair for evidence. When lights come on, lie there and look innocent. 14 Use litter box some to keep the fresh litter coming. The rest of time use a corner of the room. (dustballs work great for partial covering)