construction

Masturbation

Ingredients

Conversation

professional

extrasensory

perception

Relationship

volunteers

hairdresser

physically

chiropractor

indecipherable

underneath

appreciation

butterscotch

exquisition

replicating

contradictory

impartiality

reconstruct

medication

archeologist

compartment

k that's enough of that

Now i'll bring you some moments courtesy of lowbrow.com

Tequila and wrestling DO NOT mix.

As people pass by my desk at work, they surreptitiously stare at me, from the corners of their eyes. I wonder: is it the sounds coming out of my headphones? Or the fact that I am wearing sunglasses?

My boyfriend and I ran into some friends while out for a few too many beers. I invited them back to our place where my boyfriend promptly flicked on some football.

I felt ignored and so pretended to hit his new flat screen tv with a golf club - only I was too drunk to pretend. I put a hole through the damn thing.

The next morning I woke to find him already gone for work. I called to apologize at which time he told me that I woke up in the middle of the night, stripped down and pissed on my clothes.

I didnt remember doing it - but after checking the wad of pissed on clothes on the bedroom floor I knew he was telling the truth.

Oh yeah, Im a girl. And Im pretty.

Ladies, if I said I can take you the rest of the way to orgasm even after I cum, would that make it ok to cum first?

I mean it's still hard for as long as I want in that state anyways.

The good looking man walked up to me with a sheepish smile. He was holding his young son's hand, and asked if I would mind terribly if I heard a public service announcement. I glanced down and saw no ring, so smiled and said yes.

His 4 or 5 year old then told me that smoking would kill me. I smiled and put it out, saying that he was absolutely right.

The dad looked relieved. Then his wife or girlfriend or whatever drove up and he blushed as they got in and drove off, looking at me wistfully.

I winked and lit a cigarette.

I'm sure most women have experienced the sheer after-sex panic that occurs when you realize that the condom has mysteriously vanished at least once. You know there's only one place it could be... Yeah.

Imagine sitting in your coworker's car, parked in front of your house, drunk as a skunk, freaking out because you know that you better find it before you have to go inside and crawl into bed with your husband. Yeah.

my dog is a pantie dog... some dogs sniff out drugs... my dog sniffs out panties, knocking over the laundry to get at them. He'll find em and chew on the crotch... walked in on his one time panties over his head mowin' away... I swear he must be the product of some frat house experiment gone wrong... pantie sniffer...

Him: Don't worry, I won't go too far.

Me: I know.

Him: You just grabbed my ass.

Me: Lick my boob, and we'll be even.

Ever sat down and thought about Star Trek, then the spin-off series Deep Space Nine, then about Deep Penetration, which rhymed with Jenna Jameson, while eating a bean and cheese burrito that was hot on the outside and an icicle in the middle?

Neither have I.

i thought i was so cool getting some friends to not shit for a couple days so we could "stack" at this loser's party-(take consecutive shits without flushing, so the bowl was literally overflowing with shit, and you didn't dare flush). Then I heard about "upper decking" whereby you all shit in the tank, then replace the lid. shit continually flows into the bowl with each flush, and the smell is unbelievable. it usually takes the victim a few days to figure out what is going on-by then the shit smell is downright overpowering

I just gave myself a masturbation injury not invovling my dick or my hand. Somehow I managed to strain my neck and now I have lost most range of motion.

Remember those taco bell comercials with the "taco neck" where the guy's neck is tilted to the left from eating to many tacos? Well thats me. Can't look up, down, or right. I hope it gets better before I have to go to work in two hours.

I was baked off my ass. I had a bowl of buttered popcorn on my lap and a blue pen in my right hand. I decided to make a game. "Butterstick" was it's name. I dug the pen into the bowl and attempted to balance a piece of popcorn on it. I kept yelling at the people in my basement to come try my game, but no one would. Me get angry. Me yell at everyone to try my game. "FINE!" my sister eventually yells. She comes over to try my game and I yelled at her for trying to take the pen away from me. "Don't touch my Butterstick!!!!"

I spent the night with my girlfriend tonight. I couldn't get her horny and not to brag or anything but i have never had that problem with other girls. Here her step dad raped her as a child. I am currently on probation for assault with a deadly weapon. And it was well worth it.

What's the proper cuss word for finding out at the age of 21 that the girl whose pants you would have done anything to get into when the two of you were 16... would have done anything to get into your pants when the two of you were 16?

The words you use when you hit your thumb with a hammer or drop a fly ball just don't suffice.