and now, page 101! we're on a roll!

Post 4000! lol

noooo lol

my internet cut out

I was going to steal your thunder

foiled by my own insatiable lust for porn

that pretty much sucks.

i'm going to go read some lowbrow

I saw a television interview with the woman who plays the androgynous Pat on SNL, where she reveals that Pat is a woman.

I was strangely depressed the rest of the day.

I once squirted elmer's glue into the car door locks of like 20 cars on my block. The damage done was staggering but never was I caught.

maybe you've heard this one before

a friend once described another friend of ours to me thusly:

if you put him in a room with nothing but three bowling balls

he'd lose one

he'd disassemble one

and he'd destroy one

...

and this is a room with no windows

17. The girlfriend's living room. Me, the girlfriend, girlfriend's mother. All is good, right?

All was good until the girlfriend starts discussing blowjob techniques with her whale of a mother and starts giving details of giving me head.

Is that the lowbrow, or is asking her mom if we could use her hottub sized bathtub to fuck in?

Some kids with a video camera in the convenience store. Say something funny, they say.

Well, maybe I can manage that.

"If you ever go for double fisting, don't go like this." I stick both fists out. "You'll tear something. You gotta alternate that shit." I demonstrate. "Like kung fu fighting. Wear some latex gloves, you'll be fine."

One night at Frank's house, the summer after high school had finished, we all got together and got drunk.

We eventually ran out of places to sleep in the basement, and I had to use the surface of the treadmill to sleep on.

Those assholes kept turning it on and flinging me into the wall!

Man, we laughed that night.

4013!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate the changing rooms at the gym. Not because of the rampant homophobia that sets in when confronted by that many naked men, but because of the number of times I find myself thinking: "I wish my ass was that hot."

Was watching SNL reruns recently and was reminded of what a little prick David Spade is.

Years ago, when I was a struggling actor in LA (natch), I worked catering at one of the Batman premiere parties. We had to wear these awful wigs and leather jackets while running around making sure all the food was stocked...as you can imagine, it was a very hot and sweaty job. As I was picking up some trash from one of the tables that David Spade was standing by, he turned around pulled my wig off in front of all of his friends and everyone else at the party who happened to be looking. I must have looked gorgeous with my sweaty hair pulled back in a gazillion uneven barettes! I just rolled my eyes and put the wig back on.

That guy is a jerk.

You know, if your current lover is friends with an ex, that's fine, but if they are always talking about them, and seem to spend a bunch of evening with them, and those evenings involve mind bending substances...

THEY ARE FUCKING.

If you hire a good enough lawyer, you can get a DWI changed to an infraction.

Fuck yeah. I'm out two grand but I don't have a DWI on my record.

Come to think of it, I've been arrested four times and charged each time, but I don't have any kind of record. Let's hear it for public defenders and good lawyers when needed!

we were at little t's, waiting for our food.

i slamed my fist on a fork and it shot across the room.

i screamed at my roomate:

"my god man, that behavior is totally inappropriate! have you no regard for manners? damn... this isn't north dakota, for christ's sake!"

he, like the rest of the restaurant, just stared at me.

unprovoked outbursts fucking rule.

Chinese Ladyboy vs. American Shemale:

I shook hands with a Chinese ladyboy in a restaurant in Los Angeles. It was the most arousing handshake of my life. (Nearly turned me homo).

I shook the hand of an American shemale in an adult bookstore in San Francisco. It was like indian-wrestling with a construction worker (holy shit! Confirmed my hetero-ness!)

I was 14 and babysitting the neighbor's kid over at their place.

I'd had a crush on both of the neighbors for some time and always felt a little awkward and shy around them.

I left the kid watching cartoons and went to the bathroom to pee. I was gone a minute, tops.

When I came back, the kid was playing with a huge green dildo. It had poop crusted on it. My crush ended abruptly.

The worst part was that I had no idea where it had come from, and so I just threw it under the couch and hoped that it was the right place.

I never did babysit for them again.

I have figure skating down cold.

I know the difference between a toe loop and an Axel, and can point out exactly how well they are executed.

I can talk about historical stars all the way back to the 1958 Protopopovs from the USSR.

I make fun of the judges, comparing them to the famously-biased East German ones.

So, is this just bragging rights? Or is it an actual moment?

Relax, you compulsive clickers. All of the above is for the sole purpose of being able to relax on the couch with my sweetie while watching agile, scantily-clad young women display their bodies in ever more inventive ways.

I looked up in horror just in time to see the retiree-smellimg of mothballs-throw his wheelchair into high gear and proceed to run me over. When I finally sat up he was yelling at me.

Sitting at a stop light on a hot summer day. Car ahead of me is a red Chevy pickup. Man steps out of pickup. Jean shorts, long hair, no shirt, dark glasses. He takes a can in his hand and crushes it, throwing it in the back of his truck. Grabs his cooler, opens it, and pulls out ANOTHER beer. Chugs it while getting back in his car. This all in the span of about 5 seconds. Majestic.

Due to the fact that my life is now neatly compartmentalized between "Work" and "School", I have been finding myself on the couch at night. My ass splays across the cushions like two mounds of warm dough as I watch TV. There is a block of pure magic from 11 PM to 12:30 AM: Judge Judy, Change of Heart, and then Love Connection.

I wasn't concerned until my roomates began to be sucked into the murk as deeply as I had been...now we all sit around the tv at 11 PM, shouting at the moronic plaintiffs and defendents and hoping that Judge Judy will verbally shred them into pulp.

This can't be healthy.

My roommate and I were sitting on the couch looking at our old high school yearbooks. She held hers up pointing at a picture and said, "Here's the guy I lost my virginity to, he has a glass eye. Maybe that's why I found him so facinating."

fucking my girlfriend new year's eve, upper west side of manhattan, up in the sleeping loft, where the ceiling is about 4' off the mattress and its another apartment upstairs. she's making a ton of noise and the champagne and drugs are just taking us along for the ride (oh how i miss that crazy psycho bitch with the great little weehawken body..)

up early the next morning for coffee and bagels

upstairs neighbor, total punkass, is walking in as i'm walking out

and he fucking *salutes* me

Do you remember the last sexual encounter you had with your ex?

Mine ended with her begging me to cum in her ass. Boy you should see the grin the though of going out like that brings to my face.

When I was a young girl I used to wrestle with my step - uncle and I thought he was the most funniest guy I ever played with. Turned out he was actually schizophrenic.

i picked up a hitchhiker last night, it was cold out and id been in that situation before. its an older guy, late fourties. im driving back to where im staying and as luck would have it he is going that way too. woo, hoo. so im driving along and he tells me about how he was looking for work in rochester ny, and couldnt find anything, i tell him im just coming from olean and he asks if there any work up there, well not being from there i cant tell him, and so the drive is awful quiet. we are trolling along in the backwoods of upstate ny when i decide that i want a drink, as the whole day is really starting to piss me off. so we stop, and of course i know he is broke, so i figure ill buy him a beer and i will do the useal whiskey rocks...

three hours later we walk out and i drop him off downtown where he will crash for the night in an all night laundry... i hand him four bucks and wish him well.

best goddamned night ive had in a while shooting the shit with a perfect stranger on my dime...

thanks phil.

I have two people that are dead still on my buddy list.

C'mon.

You never know.

They probably have AOL in hell anyway.

After dinner in Philadelphia I wanted to drive back to my hotel in Delaware but I got on the freeway going the wrong way.

No problem, get off at the next exit, turn under the freeway, get back on. I had picked an exit that does not have a corresponding entrance.

I am driving around at night in what I was later told is the most dangerous part of the city. I am looking for a freeway sign on my left. I hop a curb on my right. I barely get the rental car off of the curb, and see a 7-11 just a block ahead.

I park my car go inside and ask for directions. Everyone in the place is black. I am white. They don't even answer me before they tell me I need to leave. I ask for directions again. They tell me it is not safe for me to be there. They will not even let me buy a cup of coffee before they send me on my way.

They were truly concerned for may welfare. They left such a good impression on me that I still can't believe it was really a bad part of town.

i hate when you rub one off in the shower, in order to ensure proper stamina with your lady later,

only to find you rubbed out any motivation to get another erection, and would rather just sleep anyway.

I worked as a reports analyst for this sales manager, a woman who had just given birth and was regaining her figure. Her husband would not dare put his dick where his son had just come out of, so the poor woman was about as horny as could be. She would come to me and say that she desperately needed some statistic or some report - her boss had her at gunpoint over something and she could not stand to fuck up.

Sometimes I would play with myself until I was good, and hard and then I would rush into her office saying I had something she had to see right away. I would keep a straight face and so would she. I mean, my boner was fixing to rip out of its clothes like the incredible hulk or something, and I would thrust my hips forward. She would be sitting down so my bone was right at her eye level.

She would get me too though. She would come walking up to me and she would pull her stretch pants up real tight into her crotch as she addressed me, right into her cuchee. Shit. We should have fucked. I really don't know why we didn't. Agnes, if you're out there, you got a serious bang coming to you and I mean a serious good one, if you want it.

"You're on, let's take this outside bitch!"

I bet Eduardo the drunk Mexican that I could take a bigger shit than he could. The crowd followed us outside where we each perched upon seperate empty coffee cans.

I let loose a ravaging shit, quickly reaching the halfway mark. Eduardo was painfully squirming away atop the Folgers can.

I continued my efforts, slowly losing feeling in my legs. Eduardo is tipping over due to the obvious inebriation.

I look down, and see that I am spent. No more poo for me.

I sheepishly look over, and see Eduardo passed out, laying on the ground, shitting all over himself...and not in the can.

He did have a larger poo, but, he did not dispose in the can, thus, not being able to be measured.

I win due to disqualification.

Damn you Eduardo, next time, shit like a man.

My new boyfriend left me in his apartment to watch his new baby kitten while he went to work. He didn't have time to fuck me, so I was lying in his bed masterbating while the kitten ran around pawing at things and mewing and being cute. I noticed it had made it's way under the blanket, but I didn't stop. Then I noticed it was directly between my legs, so I looked down and it was staring intently at my fingers. So I let it sniff them. It started licking my cream off my fingers, then it just plunged for it and started licking my lips and clitoris. I was in shock! My new boyfriend's cat gave me head before he did!

If you see a pair of underpants in the trash

1. Don't ask why

2. Don't pick it up

3. Don't put it up to your nose and smell it "Just in Case"

-jess

- jazzypants@youknow.where


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I worked at the only Blockbuster in my city that didn't drug test.

Why, you ask?

Because EVERYONE smoked.

Except Christie. She came to work completely fucking drunk every day, and often would shakily drive me home and offer to buy me beer.

I once met a girl who tasted her own shit. As soon as I freaked out about this she came up with her excuse: "I wasn't feeling myself." Yeah, no shit.

I just saw Resident Evil, the scariest fucking movie ever. I was sure I'd beat off to the main star and the cop chick later on that night. Then the cop chick turned into a zombie. DAMMIT!!! How in the hell am I supposed to beat off to a chick who is undead and tries to eat people?

The ex knew he was in trouble when, during a discussion about expensive lingerie at the party, he turned to me and said "And I really like that blue lace corset thing you wore last week while we were fucking" to which I replied "I don't HAVE a blue lace corset."

It's amazing how many people will move in closer after an exchange like that, like sharks smelling the blood in the water.