Onion headlines you would like to see - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Bob Biter · 06-10-2003, 07:14 AM

Being a huge fan of The Onion, a satirical NY newspaper of flawless quality, I have often fantasized of writing for them. Since that dream has yet to materialize, I still love to come up with potential headlines for cover stories or "news in brief", such as:

- Area Voodoo Priest Out of Mojo, Juju
- Warden Relaxes After Penal Dilemma
- Area Bird Tired of Being Flipped
- Seedless Watermelon Sucks Fun Out of Urban Legend
- 2 + 2 = 4.5 on Car Dealer's Calculator
- Area Blind Man Feels Way Out of Orgy
- Area Man Solves Toilet Seat Argument by Telling Spouse to "Shut the Fuck Up"
- Farting in Mascot Suit Explained As Bad Breath
- Saturn To Launch New Model, Homosexual Population Flocks to Dealership
- Horny Tooth-Fairy Wants Cavity Filled

... and so on...

If any of you enjoy The Onion as much as I do (as well you should), then by all means contribute some headlines, horoscopes (à la Lloyd Schumner Sr.), point-counterpoints, infographics, whatever! The Onion only comes out once per week, please remedy this! Fill the void!

anleja · 06-10-2003, 09:10 PM

I love the Onion. I check it out every week. The only headlines I can think of pale in comparison to the real ones (your's are pretty funny, though).

Do you have any of the compilation books they have? They are great. Here are some of my favorite actual headlines:

"Aliens Mourn As Final 'Cheers' Episode Reaches Alpha Centauri"

"Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-To-Door Trying To Shock People"

"Near-Death Experience Followed By Right-On-The-Money Death Experience"

"I'm Like A Chocoholic, But For Booze"

"Report: TV Helps Build Valuable Looking Skills"

"Hanes, Fruit Of The Loom Locked In Bitter Struggle No One Else Aware Of"

"Sales Disappointing For First-Ever 'Hustler' Swimsuit Issue"

"You Can Tell Area Bank Used To Be A Pizza Hut"

"My Teddy Bear Collection Is Fucking Great"

"Car Crash Turns Frown Upside-Down"

"Taco Bell's Five Ingredients Combined In Totally New Way"

I'll try to think of some of my own.

platypus · 06-11-2003, 05:07 AM

"Bobo the Clown Sues State of Florida for Right to Wear Makeup in Driver's License Photo"

Bob Biter · 06-11-2003, 06:56 AM

I have an Onion T-shirt that reads: "Your favorite band sucks"

Always a good conversation starter.

My all-time favorite Onion headline is:

"Explosion at Pudding Factory Brings Slow, Creamy Death to Town Below."

The Onion is the good.

rockogre · 06-11-2003, 10:09 AM

Woman shaves Bush in DC barbershop mixup.

I also love the Onion.

06-10-2003, 07:14 AM	#1 (permalink)
Bob Biter Non-smokers die everyday Location: Montreal	Onion headlines you would like to see Being a huge fan of The Onion, a satirical NY newspaper of flawless quality, I have often fantasized of writing for them. Since that dream has yet to materialize, I still love to come up with potential headlines for cover stories or "news in brief", such as: - Area Voodoo Priest Out of Mojo, Juju - Warden Relaxes After Penal Dilemma - Area Bird Tired of Being Flipped - Seedless Watermelon Sucks Fun Out of Urban Legend - 2 + 2 = 4.5 on Car Dealer's Calculator - Area Blind Man Feels Way Out of Orgy - Area Man Solves Toilet Seat Argument by Telling Spouse to "Shut the Fuck Up" - Farting in Mascot Suit Explained As Bad Breath - Saturn To Launch New Model, Homosexual Population Flocks to Dealership - Horny Tooth-Fairy Wants Cavity Filled ... and so on... If any of you enjoy The Onion as much as I do (as well you should), then by all means contribute some headlines, horoscopes (à la Lloyd Schumner Sr.), point-counterpoints, infographics, whatever! The Onion only comes out once per week, please remedy this! Fill the void! __________________ A plan is just a list of things that don't happen.

06-11-2003, 05:07 AM	#3 (permalink)
platypus Essen meine kurze Hosen Location: NY Burbs	"Bobo the Clown Sues State of Florida for Right to Wear Makeup in Driver's License Photo" __________________ Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line, off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net.

06-11-2003, 06:56 AM	#4 (permalink)
Bob Biter Non-smokers die everyday Location: Montreal	I have an Onion T-shirt that reads: "Your favorite band sucks" Always a good conversation starter. My all-time favorite Onion headline is: "Explosion at Pudding Factory Brings Slow, Creamy Death to Town Below." The Onion is the good. __________________ A plan is just a list of things that don't happen.

06-11-2003, 10:09 AM	#5 (permalink)
rockogre I aim to misbehave! Location: SW Oklahoma	Woman shaves Bush in DC barbershop mixup. I also love the Onion. __________________ Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and the American G. I. One died for your soul, the other for your freedom

06-10-2003, 09:10 PM	#2 (permalink)
anleja disconnected Location: ignoreland	I love the Onion. I check it out every week. The only headlines I can think of pale in comparison to the real ones (your's are pretty funny, though). Do you have any of the compilation books they have? They are great. Here are some of my favorite actual headlines: "Aliens Mourn As Final 'Cheers' Episode Reaches Alpha Centauri" "Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-To-Door Trying To Shock People" "Near-Death Experience Followed By Right-On-The-Money Death Experience" "I'm Like A Chocoholic, But For Booze" "Report: TV Helps Build Valuable Looking Skills" "Hanes, Fruit Of The Loom Locked In Bitter Struggle No One Else Aware Of" "Sales Disappointing For First-Ever 'Hustler' Swimsuit Issue" "You Can Tell Area Bank Used To Be A Pizza Hut" "My Teddy Bear Collection Is Fucking Great" "Car Crash Turns Frown Upside-Down" "Taco Bell's Five Ingredients Combined In Totally New Way" I'll try to think of some of my own.