Being a huge fan of
The Onion, a satirical NY newspaper of flawless quality, I have often fantasized of writing for them. Since that dream has yet to materialize, I still love to come up with potential headlines for cover stories or "news in brief", such as:
- Area Voodoo Priest Out of Mojo, Juju
- Warden Relaxes After Penal Dilemma
- Area Bird Tired of Being Flipped
- Seedless Watermelon Sucks Fun Out of Urban Legend
- 2 + 2 = 4.5 on Car Dealer's Calculator
- Area Blind Man Feels Way Out of Orgy
- Area Man Solves Toilet Seat Argument by Telling Spouse to "Shut the Fuck Up"
- Farting in Mascot Suit Explained As Bad Breath
- Saturn To Launch New Model, Homosexual Population Flocks to Dealership
- Horny Tooth-Fairy Wants Cavity Filled
... and so on...
If any of you enjoy The Onion as much as I do (as well you should), then by all means contribute some headlines, horoscopes (à la Lloyd Schumner Sr.), point-counterpoints, infographics, whatever! The Onion only comes out once per week, please remedy this! Fill the void!