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I love the Onion. I check it out every week. The only headlines I can think of pale in comparison to the real ones (your's are pretty funny, though).
Do you have any of the compilation books they have? They are great. Here are some of my favorite actual headlines:
"Aliens Mourn As Final 'Cheers' Episode Reaches Alpha Centauri"
"Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-To-Door Trying To Shock People"
"Near-Death Experience Followed By Right-On-The-Money Death Experience"
"I'm Like A Chocoholic, But For Booze"
"Report: TV Helps Build Valuable Looking Skills"
"Hanes, Fruit Of The Loom Locked In Bitter Struggle No One Else Aware Of"
"Sales Disappointing For First-Ever 'Hustler' Swimsuit Issue"
"You Can Tell Area Bank Used To Be A Pizza Hut"
"My Teddy Bear Collection Is Fucking Great"
"Car Crash Turns Frown Upside-Down"
"Taco Bell's Five Ingredients Combined In Totally New Way"
I'll try to think of some of my own.
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