ariekitten

i feel really stupid asking this, but i've really run out of ideas as to how i should approach this situation. so i'll briefly explain:

worked for quite awhile with a guy who liked me, and i basically only knew him in our work chat program, but he had a crush on me and knew what i looked like, etc. then we finally started dating, and he was overly affectionate, always wanting to go out places with me, being very protective as a boyfriend, etc (we started dating soon after our first date). his friends met me and liked me, said i was his first real girlfriend and revealed that he ranted and raved (good things) to his friends.
well then he told me he loved me, but explained that he wasn't sure if he knew what real love was or not...etc.....he was pretty open about how he felt...

but at this time he had no job, so when he finally got one, we still sorta went out, but limited, and then he started working overtime to try to catch up on his finances (when he was job-less he was living off a credit card with 28% interest). well now i email and call him (leave msgs cuz he's never there) and he doesn't respond, he's never online and his friends say they never see him online either. i actually did get an email from him almost a week ago which stated that he couldn't go out with me on his days off (fri/sat) because he was still doing lotsa overtime to catch up on finances. his parents also have alot of expectations and they have him paint the outside of their house most days before he goes into work. he's trying to save up so he can move out.

we've been dating a month and a half, and i really had hoped things would go well for us, but i haven't seen him in almost 2 weeks, and like i said, the last time i heard from him (just an email) was almost a week ago. i called him tonite but just got the answering machine.....i have emailed him and said "i hope you know you can be honest with me regarding any subject....such as if you wanted to break up with me, you would feel you could tell me, knowing it would hurt me more to keep me hanging on...."

so i'm thinking i might need to email him and break things off, but i honestly don't know what to do.....give it time? or does it just seem too odd for a guy to totally fall all over a girl (his first real girlfriend) and then a month later just totally ignore her? thanks in advance for any comments/suggestions you ladies might have, and sorry this is so long.

__________________
I am known as Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andri Charton-Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser III. Don't hesitate to call.
~Vash, Trigun

>'.'< kitty kitty, meow ^..^~

SparklingDot

Hey, I'm going thru something similar! My SO has been working so much that we can barely find 2 hours a week together. So what do we do? We visit on lunch breaks and after work when we can manage it. It could be that he is just busy and can't find time on his own to see you. I might even go so far as to call him when you know he'll be home (like right around bedtime).

If you're feeling something is wrong though, I would suggest contacting him the way you're most likely reach him amd even if you have to leave a message, make it clear that though you still want to be with him, he needs to let you know if he feels the same way. NOT a hypothetical situation, really say what you mean. Sometimes you have to be blunt with a boy to get through to him.

Good luck!

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17 seconds is all you really need
- Smashing Pumpkins

onodrim

This is the impression I get from the situation. It sounds like even his friends haven't seen him, so it's not that he's ignoring only you. Since he just got a job after a period of unemployment, I'm sure he's just very concerned about doing the best he can. Give it a few weeks, he'll mellow out I bet.

But like SparklingDot said, anytime something is bothering you, communication is very important. So, let him know in whatever way you can that you're unhappy at the moment, even if its on his answering machine. If he really cares, he will find the time to talk to you. If he continues to ignore you when he knows there's a problem, then it's time to consider breaking things off. I hope things work out for you, it sounds like the relationship has lots of potential.

__________________
"The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there’s little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides"
-Carl Sagan

lurkette

It sounds like his priorities are just elsewhere right now - paying off credit cards, getting on his feet, etc. I'd say if you really really like him, give him some time. Go out with friends, focus on yourself, let him know you'll be there when he gets his life in order. But if you have doubts, I'd say give him fair warning that you want a relationship, but you're no longer exclusive.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

RainbowBright

I do recognize that this guy is really busy and kudos for him for trying to get ahead but if he really wants to be in a relationship he needs to give you the respect you deserve. And that's at the very minimum dropping you an email or a quick phone call every couple of days. And what's the point in being in a relationship if you don't see eachother? I think you should consider what you need/want out of a relationship. Tell him specifically and ask him if he's willing to make that effort. It might just be that he's not at a point in his life that he can really make a commitment. Sometimes timing is key.

maleficent

I'm going to give the guy the benefit of the doubt for a moment.

1. He's never had a girlfriend before, maybe he's unaware of the "rules".
2. He's never had you as a girlfriend before, he's unaware of your rules.
3. He's busy trying to get back on his feet, when you are focused on doing something, some folks find it hard to remember the world outside them ( would you respect him if he neglected his responsibilities and focussed all his attention on you?)
-----------

If I thought he was worth it:

I would probably drop by his house, with a card that said i was thinking about him, and when he had five minutes to breath, to give me a call.

I have been this guy in relationships, so I know what it's like. You honestly do not realize that you are neglecting someone, I would have been appreciative of such a gesture rather than the barrage of phone calls that I did get about how work was more important than they were (Work pays the bills, they don't)

B ut with that said:
You deserve someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. If he's not giving you what you want in a relationship, cut your losses now. You deserve to be happy too.

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Sugar&Spice

I understand that this whole relationship idea might be new to him, but if he really wants it to work it's not that hard to give you 5 minutes out of his day. He gets breaks at work right? Maybe he doesn't realize that you feel neglected. Could you stop by and see him at work on his lunch break maybe? Good luck.

__________________
-Speak your mind even if your voice shakes

ariekitten

hey gals, thanks so much for your advice and comments! yes they have helped. i actually do not have a working car right now, i get rides to and from work from the sister i live with, but she's usually not available to take me around places during the day (she works)....
i don't know where he lives or even where he works (i know the name of the place where he works)

i did however email him and let him know it was urgent that he get in touch with me. he emailed me and told me his car and internet have both been broken recently, and he has been really overworked with parents and work.....
he says he needs some time to "find himself" and if i want to ditch him because of that, then he will understand, but that he still likes me and wants to date me when he will actually have time for me (which he said he doesn't know when that will be but he hopes soon).
so i guess i will give it some time, and if i get to feeling like i can't keep holding on, waiting indefinitely, i will probably break it off, he said he'd try to keep in better touch with me.

again, thanks gals!

__________________
I am known as Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andri Charton-Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser III. Don't hesitate to call.
~Vash, Trigun

>'.'< kitty kitty, meow ^..^~

amonkie

Glad to hear things are looking up a little Maybe something you could do is try handwriting and mailing a letter to him, and letting him mail one back. It doesn't have to be long, but it bypasses internet problems, and it might give you guys a way to keep in contact and think about each other a little more.

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

ariekitten

that's a great idea, amonkie, thank you! now all i hafta do is email him to get his snail mail addy

__________________
I am known as Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andri Charton-Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser III. Don't hesitate to call.
~Vash, Trigun

>'.'< kitty kitty, meow ^..^~

Acetylene

I think that this is only two months of time you're put in so you're not at risk to lose much of an investment. That being said (cruel though it may be) you need to be aware that "finding yourself" can take a very long time. It can also be a breakup euphemism. Give him the time he needs, but don't stay at home waiting for him--go out and have fun. Maybe if he sees what he's missing, it will help him make a little time for fun of his own...and hopefully it will be with you.

__________________
There's no justice. There's just us.

Frenchie

I go months without seeing my boyfriend, and we aren't one of those online couples. We just live in different states. I have family near him, but he doesn't have anyone near me. But we love eachother and trust eachother and know that one day/or hope that one day we will be together in eachothers arms and won't have to be so far apart again.

So it sometimes doesn't only matter on how often you see a person.