Vicky

Okay girls,
I need some advice...

Maybe I should first steem of a bit, but let me use u girls as ventilation-system!
I have a boyfriend, for quite some time now, and I love him very much, and I know for a fact that he loves me too (I don't doubt that at all).
The thing is, that he can seem so totally uninterested in me, in what I do, in what's going on in my life -besides him. The reason I'm so pissed of right now is because I have an exam tomorrow (I really should be studying!!!) and I called him just now because I felt all stressed and nervous and stuff. I just wanted to hear him, and you know, let him comfort me a bit. But he is so bad at it!!!
Our call didn't take even more than four minutes. FOUR MINUTES! He was all like "you'll do fine, it 'll be okay" the usual, but it was as if he wasn't even listening to me at all! I bet, he doesn't even know what course I have tomorrow.

I can get so angry because of that. I've told him before that that bothers me a lot, and he apologises, but doesn't seem to improve at all!

The thing is, I am a very stubborn girl, so I don't explicitly tell him when I'm angry, but I'm sure he could tell just by my voice. I just hang up on him after he was saying "yeah, so, okay... you'll do great, so.. goodbye!" and I just said, goodbye (with a very harsh tone) and hung up. I cannot believe that he wouldn't get it. I mean, he must know that I was pissed off, but he didn't even ask or called back or anything...

i know that this is probably a "typicallly male thing", but, right now, I am totally fed up with it! I'm just imagining what life would be like with him, say in ten years when we both have jobs and maybe children. We'll probably be living together without knowing what's going on in each others lives. And that is not what I am looking for...

Anyway (I seem to be cooling of now), you girls probably have experienced lots of similarities like this one, so maybe you can tell me how to handle this?

Thanks,
Vicky

(I've just re-read my own post, and I allready feel like a nagging-bitch, but I'll post it anyway, let me know what you think)

lurkette

I don't think you're a nagging bitch but you can't expect him to know why you're angry - he's not inside your head, and things that might seem completely logical and self-evident to you may not be at all clear to him. You're not doing yourself any favors.

If you think it's just that he's not listening to you, you should tell him that, and ask him for 5 minutes of undivided attention. If, however, you feel that he's just not interested in your life and not able to provide the kind of support you feel you need, it might be time to re-examine the relationship.

You say you know he loves you, but that he's totally uninterested in the rest of your life. Those two things don't really sound consistent. I think you need to make clear in your own mind what you need and expect from a relationship, and then make it clear to him. And if he's not willing or able to provide it, or you're not willing to alter your expectations, it might be time to move on.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

cheerios

much as we want them to... men aren't mind-readers. if you're mad, you need to TELL him. and tell him WHY. and probably even tell him what you want out of him in the way of a solution. because, men DON'T read minds, and they HATE being expected to.

bernadette

it's not just men who aren't mind readers. it's people. another person simply cannot read your mind. subtle hinting often goes unrecognized.
you have to be upfront, clear & explicit.

a good relationship of any sort, be it with a friend or a lover, requires good communication.

get your exam outta the way, then think about what you need to say & schedule a time that the two of you can sit down without interruptions to rationally discuss & access your relationship.

it's true, you cannot change anyone other than your own self, but if you alert someone to how you feel, what you need, etc, then they can choose to be considerate of your needs & feelings ...or not.

if you're considering this guy for the long haul, best to work things out now.

good luck on that exam!! and all the rest, too

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UCF_Jill

Although he may have brushed you off at that particular time, what exactly were you expecting him to do? You call him because you're stressed over an exam, and he tries to comfort you, but you're not satisfied. You're obviously looking for something that is unattainable from your S/O. Perhaps there are other issues with the relationship that are making you feel like hes uninterested in you, like hes been flirting with other women, or he goes out of his way to not talk to you?

diddagirl

Naturally, I dont think *most* men are the greatest listeners. With girls, we tend to care, listen and pay attention to whats going on in each other's as well as our SO's lives. I just dont think it comes as easily to guys..... I think for the most part, a high percentage of guys find it difficult to give their g/f's advice and words of comfort. NOw I am by no means speaking for all guys..... and I am not trying to diss them in any way. I just think that generally, they lack the intution that alot of women have my simply looking at or talking to a person and identifying something is wrong.

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"Is it so small a thing to have enjoyed the sun, to have lived long in the spring, to have loved, to have thought, to have done."
-Matthew Arnold

Ladyhawke

I agree with diddagirl....most guys are cluesless when it comes to our needs.....all you can do is tell him "Hey!!, hello!!, need your full attention here" and hope that there isn't a football game or something....and once you have his attention....don't let it go until you said your mind.

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Whatever

gabshu

I don´t think this guy is that good. If you have talked to him about this before and he doesn´t change, well, that´s not a good sign. I had a boyfriend like this once and it didn´t end all that well. If this guy doesn´t meet your needs try to get rid of him. Sometimes we really want to believe that people are who they are not. Try to see him for what he is, not what you want him to be.

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Ladyhawke

great advice gabshu

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Whatever

shannon

my SO does that a lot but not to such an extent that it really bothers me as much. i just kinda got used to it i guess. if he's not the greatest at listening, when you need someone to listen, i would suggest going to someone else. but i understand that if he doesn't listen to anything it would get frustrating trying to have any sort of conversation. one thing i noticed is that while my boyfriend tends to not know what i'm talking about and isn't the greatest at counselling over the phone, when i need someone to cuddle and hug me to make me feel better he's the best. so maybe you could try to focus on his strengths? just an idea. good luck.

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"When I look down I just miss all the good stuff. And when I look up I just trip over things"

:::OshnSoul:::

What guys want/need to hear is honesty. sincere, kind honesty, though.
TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL- or else this will just keep going on. Don't blame him- he obviosuly doesn't know if you haven't come out and plainly told him.
Guys don't get the message unless you tell them. All they get are mixed signals, and they don't know what to do about it.
My husband & I used to be this way and things were not good- but then we let out everything in a respectful manner and things got better. I realized that it wasn't him- it was me. I wasn't communicating with him- I was assuming by the tone of my voice, or little innuendos that he would get that something was bothering me, but never solves anything. Once I started changing my perspective and doing what I can to help the situation, and realizing that I love him for who he is- then things got better.
Honesty & communication matters!
Sounds like he is trying to say what you want to hear, don't accuse him of that- but you need to communicate with him your feelings or you will just keep letting it build up and that will indefinately damage your relationship.
((hugs))

lisa

That is soooo true!

Well, Vicky, in a way I understand what you mean. I have the same problem sometimes, but I've begun to realize that it has often more to do with yourself, and this is in two ways.

First of all, as :::OshnSoul:::, and many before have allready pointed out: maybe you just have to be more direct with him. (I feel it quite ironical that I am posting this, since I am very bad at this myself! I've also talked to my bf about this) The only solution is that whenever something is bugging you, you just have to spill it out to him immediately, otherwhise, you're just stuck with it, and he might not even have a clue what's eating you.

The second thing is -and this also comes out of my own experience- it might have a lot to do with how you are feeling yourself, you were probably just a bit stressed by your exam, and therefor reacting in a totally irrational way (maybe?) (BTW: I have exames as well, and I know this has a major effect on how I feel and how I act; so good luck to you and me )

Anyway, before you make up your end-conclusions about this guy, and start worrying about your (future) relationship with him; give him a chance by filling him in how you feel. Stop locking it all inside of yourself, and just scream when you feel like it!

Vicky

Thanks all for your comments and advises...

My exam didn't go too well, and my relationship is going more and more downhill, I'm afraid...

It's just one vicious circle really: I feel bad about this particular aspect in our relation therefor I get angry with him therefor he gets a bit angry with me -he says i overreact, that he does cares and is interested in my outsidelife, and doesn't have a clue wath to do about it- which makes me even more opset........

We're kinda in an evaluation-position right now I think. He still loves me and I still love him, but I'm just not sure wether I want to continue this relationship... We've put it on hold for a while, but I don't really see a way out of this mess.
On the other hand, I don't want to break up with him or anything, maybe I'll feel better after a while, i don't know...

I'm sorry for my exaggerated self-pitty...
(Thanks for listening)

Vicky

isis

I have the same problem sometimes. Honestly, I usually think my bitterness is attributed to my mood. Things people do everyday I take the wrong way when I'm sad or angsty or upset.