Friendship vs. Romantic Relationships - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

amonkie · 11-28-2003, 09:48 AM

I'm a psych major, and we were talking about this in my class. I want to know, what do you look for in a friendship vs a romantic relationship? Are there any differences? Why?

For myself, I see friendships as a way to meet people, have a good time, and relax. So most of my friends are funny or good humored, fun to hang out with, *hopefully* honest, and on the average dependable.

Romantic relationships are a little different, since I want the guy to be able to be honest and keep my trust foremost, as well as have an awesome personality and treat me well. There's lots more, but those are the biggies to me.

I just think it's interesting how there are differences. If you move from with someone from a friendship to a romantic relationship, does that mean they "grew" the new traits you were looking for, or does that mean you really look for those same things in your friends, but they're not the first thing you think about?

Any thoughts would be appreciated, I'm curious to see what you guys have to say!

BlueBongo · 11-28-2003, 10:25 AM

I think people look for the same traits in friends that they would an SO. The reason being that my friends have common interests with me, most of my friends are male, and we always have a good time together. I wouldn't say that someone "acquires traits" once they are in a romantic relationship with someone else, but I do believe the foundation of any relationship is friendship. I think as people meld into a stronger friendship they sometimes tend to meld into one another and form a romantic bond. But again, I think people look for friends with common traits that they would look for in a romantic partner as well. From my own personal experiences, that's just how things have worked out for me.

Hope that helps.

la petite moi · 11-28-2003, 10:41 AM

Friends are people that know me for one side: Happy and hyper.
My Lover knows me for all my sides, and loves me for it.

collide · 11-28-2003, 07:42 PM

If my romantic partner cannot first be my friend, then there is no hope for intimacy. Generally, friends provide emotional support and romantic partners provide emotional and physical needs.

SparklingDot · 11-29-2003, 01:06 AM

My favorite exes were friends before becoming boyfriends. And my current SO and I were friends for a full year before we became anything else. I'm rather kooky as it is, and my friends accept that. My boyfriends accept that and love me for it. I tend to look for the same traits in a friend and a boyfriend. What is a romantic relationship supposed to be other than a more intimate degree of friendship?

Litespeed · 11-30-2003, 11:01 AM

No difference. One cannot bridge from date into SO unless they are a friend. Not just any friend. A true friend.

I've dated so many guys that were excellent dates. Excellent people to talk to, could see myself moderately to exceptionally happy with for the rest of my life... except for one thing. I didn't know how well they would get along with my friends. Once I started questioning that aspect of their personality, I knew it was over.

This is a topic that's super dear to my heart, and here's why:

My friends are my friends. End of story. We have been friends for the majority of our lives, and those who have not are quickly enough assimilated into the group that it is as though we had met years before.

We are not "normal" people. We are geeks, nerds, crazies, outcasts... whatever you care to call us. Each unique and as anti-pop culture as it gets. For this reason there are some people who are simply uneasy in the same room with us when we're together.

Maybe it has something to do with our geeky conversation topics. Or perhaps the openness we share without the aid of alcohol. Maybe it's Lindsay over there the couch coming in and out of seizures every so often, jumping right back into the conversation as though nothing happened. Maybe it's the fact that we tickle. Or that some of us are uncannily good at pool. OR it just could be because we're DIFFERENT. Noticeably DIFFERENT and happy about it.

In any case, if a man can't survive the embrace and love of my friends, they cannot survive the years at my side. Hal has been my friend since the seventh grade. He will remain my friend until the day I die. He will be my lover and my everything until he chooses otherwise. He has chosen eternal love. I only trust he will deliver.

SabrinaFair · 11-30-2003, 06:01 PM

My SO's are just friends to the second power...
Every boyfriend I've had has been my friend first...and foremost. I look for the same qualities--honesty, a good sense of humour, sincerity, and a winning personality. True, I like my SO's to be attractive, but its not a major issue.

minyn · 12-03-2003, 03:44 PM

Great question!

if anything there should be extra tacked on to what your definition of a friend is....

but no less, i have no clue. the whole idea of someone you can live your days out with plays in here somewhere but not sure to what extent.

Aphrodite · 12-03-2003, 03:59 PM

Most relationships I've had have developed from friendships first. I have commitment issues so even deciding to date someone is a big step for me. Friendship is a good way to relax with someone without there being any pressures. I also get crushes really easily so the friendship step either allows that initial spark to die a natural death without hurting the friendship, or if it stands the test of time and familiarity then it can potentially progress to something more.
I also distrust my first impressions of people. Everyone's been burnt at some stage, I'm just a little more hesitant than most to get burnt again. So I like to know a lot about a person before I can trust them with my emotional life. This goes for friends as well as relationships.

11-28-2003, 09:48 AM	#1 (permalink)
amonkie Drifting Administrator Location: Windy City	Friendship vs. Romantic Relationships I'm a psych major, and we were talking about this in my class. I want to know, what do you look for in a friendship vs a romantic relationship? Are there any differences? Why? For myself, I see friendships as a way to meet people, have a good time, and relax. So most of my friends are funny or good humored, fun to hang out with, hopefully honest, and on the average dependable. Romantic relationships are a little different, since I want the guy to be able to be honest and keep my trust foremost, as well as have an awesome personality and treat me well. There's lots more, but those are the biggies to me. I just think it's interesting how there are differences. If you move from with someone from a friendship to a romantic relationship, does that mean they "grew" the new traits you were looking for, or does that mean you really look for those same things in your friends, but they're not the first thing you think about? Any thoughts would be appreciated, I'm curious to see what you guys have to say!

11-28-2003, 07:42 PM	#4 (permalink)
collide Turn off your TV. Location: ... .- -. ..-. .-. .- -. -.-. .. ... -.-. --- --..-- -.-. .-	If my romantic partner cannot first be my friend, then there is no hope for intimacy. Generally, friends provide emotional support and romantic partners provide emotional and physical needs. __________________ "inhuman fiery goat worship" is an anagram for "information superhighway" -kingvolc

11-29-2003, 01:06 AM	#5 (permalink)
SparklingDot Insane	My favorite exes were friends before becoming boyfriends. And my current SO and I were friends for a full year before we became anything else. I'm rather kooky as it is, and my friends accept that. My boyfriends accept that and love me for it. I tend to look for the same traits in a friend and a boyfriend. What is a romantic relationship supposed to be other than a more intimate degree of friendship? __________________ 17 seconds is all you really need - Smashing Pumpkins

11-30-2003, 06:01 PM	#7 (permalink)
SabrinaFair Junkie Location: Louisville, KY	My SO's are just friends to the second power... Every boyfriend I've had has been my friend first...and foremost. I look for the same qualities--honesty, a good sense of humour, sincerity, and a winning personality. True, I like my SO's to be attractive, but its not a major issue. __________________ "With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy." -Desiderata

12-03-2003, 03:44 PM	#8 (permalink)
minyn young and in bloom Location: under the bodhi tree.... bling	Great question! if anything there should be extra tacked on to what your definition of a friend is.... but no less, i have no clue. the whole idea of someone you can live your days out with plays in here somewhere but not sure to what extent. __________________ "Woke up this morning with a blue moon in my eye" ~A3 "woke up this morning" "Don't compromise yourself, you're all you've got." -Janis Joplin

11-28-2003, 10:41 AM	#3 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	Friends are people that know me for one side: Happy and hyper. My Lover knows me for all my sides, and loves me for it.

11-30-2003, 11:01 AM	#6 (permalink)
Litespeed Loser Location: Thousand Oaks, CA	No difference. One cannot bridge from date into SO unless they are a friend. Not just any friend. A true friend. I've dated so many guys that were excellent dates. Excellent people to talk to, could see myself moderately to exceptionally happy with for the rest of my life... except for one thing. I didn't know how well they would get along with my friends. Once I started questioning that aspect of their personality, I knew it was over. This is a topic that's super dear to my heart, and here's why: My friends are my friends. End of story. We have been friends for the majority of our lives, and those who have not are quickly enough assimilated into the group that it is as though we had met years before. We are not "normal" people. We are geeks, nerds, crazies, outcasts... whatever you care to call us. Each unique and as anti-pop culture as it gets. For this reason there are some people who are simply uneasy in the same room with us when we're together. Maybe it has something to do with our geeky conversation topics. Or perhaps the openness we share without the aid of alcohol. Maybe it's Lindsay over there the couch coming in and out of seizures every so often, jumping right back into the conversation as though nothing happened. Maybe it's the fact that we tickle. Or that some of us are uncannily good at pool. OR it just could be because we're DIFFERENT. Noticeably DIFFERENT and happy about it. In any case, if a man can't survive the embrace and love of my friends, they cannot survive the years at my side. Hal has been my friend since the seventh grade. He will remain my friend until the day I die. He will be my lover and my everything until he chooses otherwise. He has chosen eternal love. I only trust he will deliver.

12-03-2003, 03:59 PM	#9 (permalink)
Aphrodite Tilted Location: Lost in the pages of a book full of death	Most relationships I've had have developed from friendships first. I have commitment issues so even deciding to date someone is a big step for me. Friendship is a good way to relax with someone without there being any pressures. I also get crushes really easily so the friendship step either allows that initial spark to die a natural death without hurting the friendship, or if it stands the test of time and familiarity then it can potentially progress to something more. I also distrust my first impressions of people. Everyone's been burnt at some stage, I'm just a little more hesitant than most to get burnt again. So I like to know a lot about a person before I can trust them with my emotional life. This goes for friends as well as relationships.