New relationship / new sexual partner question - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

NorthernGirl · 04-21-2009, 06:09 PM

Starting a new relationship and/or a new sexual partner is in your life, how soon should you have the talk, about what you DONT want , so that he doesnt do it or surprise you in a bad way ? I know not all guys are like that but I would like to set up game rules before anything happens, is that wrong ? or should it just be done on a certain time frame ?

ametc · 04-21-2009, 10:35 PM

I would just bring up a story.. true or fabricated.. about a friend or somebody you know (no need to name them) that was with somebody who made a mistake and the consequences of that mistake and maybe that would bring up a conversation about it and the type of things you don't want to happen.

SabrinaFair · 04-22-2009, 03:09 AM

NorthernGirl: do you mean what you don't want sexually? Or in general?

Shaindra · 04-22-2009, 04:21 PM

Depends on what it is you don't want. I mean, it might freak a guy out to have the talk about how you refuse to do ATM while suspended and flogged on the first date, yanno? And is this preference something you think he might try immediately? And is it something beyond just saying, "I prefer you don't do X."?

Lindy · 04-22-2009, 07:02 PM

I wait until something comes up (or looks like it might.) For example, I don't care for anal. A little fingering or tonguing is OK, but I don't want a dick in there.

And yes, I have tried it, and I've tried it more than once. I don't think I have to like anal any more than I have to like raw oysters, crawdads, or carrots. Anal just isn't my thing. I do think that I have other things to offer. If my guy seemed to be trying to work his dick into my bunghole, I'd tell him then.

I also don't like facials. A guy can cum in my pussy, between or on my tits, in my mouth and I'll swallow, whatever. But I don't do facials. And guess what? Most guys couldn't care less. Unless they watch a lot of porn and have become conditioned to the idea that that is the way it's supposed to be done.
I would much rather have that talk about what I LIKE, rather than about what I don't like or won't do.

Lindy

shesus · 04-24-2009, 05:22 PM

I don't like the term 'game rules'. It makes it seem the the relationship is a game and games don't last long. But that's just semantics and not the main idea of this thread.

I've never really thought about this really. It just seems to happen naturally. Usually talking during the act or during the 'cuddling phase' works best I think. Tell him what you like or what you'd like done or would like to try. Communication is key, but making it awkward and setting up 'rules' is not sexy.

Lindy · 04-24-2009, 06:44 PM

I forgot to mention one thing that is, to me, pretty much non-negotiable. At my ripe old age (32 last November) I don't jump in the rack with a guy as easily as I once did.
If I'm going to be in any kind of extended relationship with a guy, he must be, and act, like a responsible adult. This has nothing to do with the sexual part, (good sex isn't that hard to find) and has little to do with actual age. Some guys are "adults" at age 18, or maybe even sooner. Others can be 30, 40, or 50, and still not there yet.

See this thread from sometime in the past. Here it is:
http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/ladies-...ities-guy.html

Lindy

I just re-read my first sentence. How can something be "pretty much" non-negotiable??

raeanna74 · 04-26-2009, 06:46 PM

The "game rules" for playtime shouldn't come up before sex at the very least in my opinion. After sex though you can lead into the conversation by saying "You know I really liked when you..." and then tell a few more things that you do enjoy. I wouldn't have an exhaustive list prepared at all but giving a few ideas of things you like will give him a better idea of the kinds of things you are into. You should then ask him what things he likes and doesn't like in that same conversation. Or if he's not sure of those things yet you could ask what he's curious about. I wouldn't say that you are absolutely excluding things yet. I would only say that, for example, you "aren't interested in scat, bondage, or anything on the more extreme side of things" and then preface it with a 'but I would like to try .... (For example) a blindfold and feather." or something that he CAN do that would be experimental. That way you're not giving him a whole list of NO'S. That would get negative and be a definate turn off.
As you go on in the relationship and have more sexual fun just keep adding to the "I like" and "I don't like" lists gently. IMHO a good guy will listen very carefully to those preferances. If he doesn't, he's not worth the time in my book.

Magpie_1 · 04-27-2009, 06:33 AM

Martian and I mentioned some things we don't do before we even started to have sex. Some things were mentioned after we first started to have sex. It's all with what your comfortable mentioning at the time. These things just happen naturally.

04-21-2009, 06:09 PM	#1 (permalink)
NorthernGirl Upright	New relationship / new sexual partner question Starting a new relationship and/or a new sexual partner is in your life, how soon should you have the talk, about what you DONT want , so that he doesnt do it or surprise you in a bad way ? I know not all guys are like that but I would like to set up game rules before anything happens, is that wrong ? or should it just be done on a certain time frame ?

04-22-2009, 03:09 AM	#3 (permalink)
SabrinaFair Junkie Location: Louisville, KY	NorthernGirl: do you mean what you don't want sexually? Or in general? __________________ "With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy." -Desiderata

04-22-2009, 04:21 PM	#4 (permalink)
Shaindra Psycho Location: Massachusetts	Depends on what it is you don't want. I mean, it might freak a guy out to have the talk about how you refuse to do ATM while suspended and flogged on the first date, yanno? And is this preference something you think he might try immediately? And is it something beyond just saying, "I prefer you don't do X."? __________________ "Never regret something that once made you smile."

04-24-2009, 05:22 PM	#6 (permalink)
shesus Fancy Location: Chicago	I don't like the term 'game rules'. It makes it seem the the relationship is a game and games don't last long. But that's just semantics and not the main idea of this thread. I've never really thought about this really. It just seems to happen naturally. Usually talking during the act or during the 'cuddling phase' works best I think. Tell him what you like or what you'd like done or would like to try. Communication is key, but making it awkward and setting up 'rules' is not sexy. __________________ Whatever did happen to your soul? I heard you sold it Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

04-26-2009, 06:46 PM	#8 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	The "game rules" for playtime shouldn't come up before sex at the very least in my opinion. After sex though you can lead into the conversation by saying "You know I really liked when you..." and then tell a few more things that you do enjoy. I wouldn't have an exhaustive list prepared at all but giving a few ideas of things you like will give him a better idea of the kinds of things you are into. You should then ask him what things he likes and doesn't like in that same conversation. Or if he's not sure of those things yet you could ask what he's curious about. I wouldn't say that you are absolutely excluding things yet. I would only say that, for example, you "aren't interested in scat, bondage, or anything on the more extreme side of things" and then preface it with a 'but I would like to try .... (For example) a blindfold and feather." or something that he CAN do that would be experimental. That way you're not giving him a whole list of NO'S. That would get negative and be a definate turn off. As you go on in the relationship and have more sexual fun just keep adding to the "I like" and "I don't like" lists gently. IMHO a good guy will listen very carefully to those preferances. If he doesn't, he's not worth the time in my book. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

04-21-2009, 10:35 PM	#2 (permalink)
ametc Psycho	I would just bring up a story.. true or fabricated.. about a friend or somebody you know (no need to name them) that was with somebody who made a mistake and the consequences of that mistake and maybe that would bring up a conversation about it and the type of things you don't want to happen.

04-22-2009, 07:02 PM	#5 (permalink)
Lindy Junkie	I wait until something comes up (or looks like it might.) For example, I don't care for anal. A little fingering or tonguing is OK, but I don't want a dick in there. And yes, I have tried it, and I've tried it more than once. I don't think I have to like anal any more than I have to like raw oysters, crawdads, or carrots. Anal just isn't my thing. I do think that I have other things to offer. If my guy seemed to be trying to work his dick into my bunghole, I'd tell him then. I also don't like facials. A guy can cum in my pussy, between or on my tits, in my mouth and I'll swallow, whatever. But I don't do facials. And guess what? Most guys couldn't care less. Unless they watch a lot of porn and have become conditioned to the idea that that is the way it's supposed to be done. I would much rather have that talk about what I LIKE, rather than about what I don't like or won't do. Lindy

04-24-2009, 06:44 PM	#7 (permalink)
Lindy Junkie	I forgot to mention one thing that is, to me, pretty much non-negotiable. At my ripe old age (32 last November) I don't jump in the rack with a guy as easily as I once did. If I'm going to be in any kind of extended relationship with a guy, he must be, and act, like a responsible adult. This has nothing to do with the sexual part, (good sex isn't that hard to find) and has little to do with actual age. Some guys are "adults" at age 18, or maybe even sooner. Others can be 30, 40, or 50, and still not there yet. See this thread from sometime in the past. Here it is: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/ladies-...ities-guy.html Lindy I just re-read my first sentence. How can something be "pretty much" non-negotiable??

04-27-2009, 06:33 AM	#9 (permalink)
Magpie_1 Insane Location: Ontario, Canada	Martian and I mentioned some things we don't do before we even started to have sex. Some things were mentioned after we first started to have sex. It's all with what your comfortable mentioning at the time. These things just happen naturally. __________________ "Art is what you can get away with." - Andy Warhol