surferlove007

I have a problem with self image.
I hold very high standards for how I feel I should look and be looked upon.
Going to the gym is a regular habit I try to make myself do. Well since James has been home I haven't been and I've noticed a change in myself and I honestly hate it (maybe 10 pound weight gain).
To the point of where I can't even watch Black Snake Moan without getting upset and not wanting to watch it anymore because Christina Ricci is so toned and in shape.
Any thoughts as to why this happens?
I'm in pretty good shape but for some reason when I deviate I can't help but be totally disgusted and bothered by this.
How do I deal with it?
I want my body to be toned and in shape and when it's not I feel like everything is not ok and just want to do nothing but work my ass off until I'm back to being in my ideal state before.
Reading this makes me feel very vain but I don't know what else to do.
It's affecting my life for the worst and it needs to stop.
I work as a swim instructor teaching lessons so my uniform for work is a bathing suit...so again the self consciousness comes in again. I feel as though I need to be in shape and set a good example for my kids as well as myself.
James doesn't like to go to the gym with me, he'd prefer to run. Since I'm not the best runner, I don't care for running much...and he doesn't care for the gym. So it's hard to get him to go...as well as frustrating at times.
I've waited so long for him to be back and now that he is I couldn't be happier but then now since I've stopped going...I'm unhappy with myself.
*SIGH*
I need to get back into my habit of going everyday like I did last month...but him being here makes it hard because I don't want to be apart anymore then we have to be.
Help please.

-GG

la petite moi

As for self-image, ask yourself why you are holding yourself to such high standards. Having such unhealthy standards leads to deadly obsessions- like OCD and eating disorders.

As for Christina Ricci, remember that she's an actress. Her JOB is to starve, work out, and look like what they want her to. She's admitted that she ate very poorly to get the body that character required. Why should some celebrity set what you should look like?

The best example you can set for your kids is being comfortable in your own skin, as well as a bathing suit.

I know this is all easier said than done. I just got out of a three month stint in a hospital/residential treatment facility for eating disorders. It's a long, rough journey, but in the end, you gotta just look at your body as a house for your soul and personality. Exercise when you can/when you feel like it, and if you got a few days or weeks without, don't sweat too much. In the grand scheme of it all, a few weeks is nothing.

lurkette

I relate wholeheartedly, my dear. I am nowhere near as in shape as I would like to be, but having fought this particular self-image bugbear for years, let me give you some advice.

First, choose your role models carefully. Christina Ricci needs to eat a sammich. Or two, or three. Our culture has held up images of women who are seen as "healthy and toned" when really they're anorexic and not at all healthy. I'd be willing to guess that half of Hollywood is so thin they no longer menstruate. Our standards have become so skewed that we have forgotten what a normal, healthy female body really looks like. If you must compare yourself to someone, why not to Kate Winslet, or Liv Tyler, or some other woman who looks beautiful and refuses to cave to the Sharpened Clavicle aesthetic?

Or better yet, why compare yourself at all? Now, as many here *cough*Jess*cough* will tell you, I am the worst follower of this advice. But that doesn't mean it's not good advice to begin with. Your body is yours. You have your own bone structure, genetic distribution of fat, metabolism, skin tone, yadda yadda yadda. It's going to look the way it looks, and there's not much you can do about it besides help it be the best version of itself that it can be. And don't compare yourself now to yourself 5 or 10 years ago. Body chemistry changes. Body structure changes. There's no getting around it. We are all going to expand, contract, sag, wrinkle, bloat, and eventually die. Even Christina Ricci, except for the parts of her that are non-organic. /snark.

My point is, comparing yourself is a one way ticket to instant and constant hell. No matter how you look, there will always be someone who has a nicer butt, or smaller feet, or a longer waist, or more glowing skin. Why not focus inward and love yourself exactly as you are? My guess is that the people around you think you are beautiful. If you are afraid that James will leave you if you don't look a certain way, then ask yourself two questions: 1. Is that true? and 2. If it is, is that love?

It is entirely possible to love your body exactly as it is, AND to do things to nourish and strengthen it. But do it out of love and not out of fear and loathing. If you concentrate on doing your best and loving yourself, there's nothing but happy. If you are trying to pound your body into submission and punish it for not looking a certain way, when you get to the end of a miserable process all you're going to have is a beautiful well-toned body that you will continue to compare to others, find lacking, and hate.

My advice, then, is, skip to the end: you think you need to look a certain way in order to love yourself. Try loving yourself first, and then lovingly move your body toward looking its best and being its healthiest.

And JustJess, next time I am in tears at 7:30 in the morning because I hate my eyelashes/skin/thighs/waist/whatever, please make me go read what I just wrote

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

ngdawg

GG...go back to your EX posts and look at them objectively....
Then reread your OP.
And stay away from full length mirrors!!!
You're missing the workouts and obssessing over that. Dance every spare moment-do some high kicks, some stripper moves, pretend you're Shakira. In other words, burn that obssessing time with something else.
You're freaking adorable. Not to mention young, goddammit....
No worries.

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Adri

Does this forum have a :hug: smiley? I feel like I might have written the OP under a different screen name!!!

I so know where you're coming from. My husband travels an awful lot and when he's out of town, I'm a total gym rat, in there 2 hours a day at the least. When he's home, I want to spend maximum time with him, so I usually don't go to the gym. Well, he's been home for 2 weeks now and this morning I didn't fit into my favorite pants. I cried. I CRIED. How stupid is that?

I'm SO hard on myself; a friend's girlfriend came over yesterday for the 4th and her 22-year-old body made me want to pitch myself off the roof. I'm only 27, it's not like gravity has done significant damage in the past five years. Honestly, she probably looked no different than me, but my skewed self-image showed her as weighing like 40 lbs less than me.

I think lurkett's advice is wonderful. Thanks for saying that stuff, lurkette, even if it wasn't directed towards me.

debragail

There's nothing less attractive than a woman who projects an aura of doubt and/or uncertainty regarding her looks. We send out negative vibes when we fret, worry and believe that we are not attractive and that's not a pretty picture! Striving for health and happiness, instead of absolute perfection, is the road to true beauty. We are all uniquely beautiful. If only we could really let that thought sink into our minds, how much lovelier and happier we (those of us who are so hard on ourselves) would be .

TotalMILF

Agreed. Totally.

The more confident you are, the more attractive you will appear, IMHO.

__________________
"I'm sorry, all I heard was blah blah blah, I'm a dirty tramp."

Sultana

You know what? Here's the truth:

There will ALWAYS be someone thinner, cuter, taller, more toned, more talented, with better hair/teeth/tits than you.

It's life.

There are others who would KILL to have your figure/complexion (sp?)/smile/strength, etc.

Stop comparing yourself to others. You will drive yourself and everyone else who cares about you insane.

God, I sound like guccilvr....

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

shesus

ditto what everyone else said.

You have to get to know your body and not try to be like other people. If everyone looked the same, what a boring place we would live in.

For example, I know that I can eat whatever I want in moderation. I know when it is time to go to the gym and I don't obsess over missed days or weeks because I know I can catch up later when I feel up to it.

It takes time to get comfortable with yourself, but you'll get there. And remember, we are much more critical of ourselves then anyone else is. We see things that no one else would notice.

Get over yourself...and I mean that in a non-mean way.

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I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

velvet

It's ok to fall behind on exercise, everyone goes through that. But obsessing over it where your self-esteem is low which it's starting to effect you and which could effect others. Don't look at magazine, or start comparing yourself to other females. Dance or something make sexy moves, and tell yourself that you are beautiful. It helps, theres others that have a much worse case then you.

lurkette

It occurred to me that I have another piece of advice to offer here:

Go take a belly-dancing class.

I'm 100% serious. I have never had such a self-esteem boost. You see women of all different ages, sizes, shapes, body-types, etc., and it hits you that 1. everyone has something beautiful about them, and 2. sexy is in your attitude, not in your BMI. There was a woman in my last class who was flat-out overweight, and she was the sexiest, most confident person in the whole class. Much more so than the lithe 20-somethings who were trying to be "sex-ay". She moved for herself. She had complete control of her body. It was AWESOME. And the more you have to jiggle the better. So go make friends with your hips and shake 'em.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

amonkie

I second what Lurkette said - I've been back in belly dancing for going on 3 months, and while there are some days I have to fight myself with the image issues because I see myself in the mirror and get frustrated, as I keep going and learn what moves my body does great.. it has really helped. I am a hip shaker!!!

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

mixedmedia

I've been thinking about belly dancing classes lately, too.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

ItWasMe

Since you don't like to run, what do you like to do? Aerobics, weights, yoga...? Or do you prefer sports like tennis, football, etc? Is it possible to use the pool for exercise before you go home from giving swim lessons?

I've been thinking of taking up belly dancing, also. My hubby has sent me three belly dancing jewelry sets from Afghanistan the past year. I think it would be cool to be able to surprise him and 'use' them when he comes home. Although, I'm not quite sure where some of that jewelry goes, and am almost afraid to ask.

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"Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez

I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe

Sultana

I wish I could teach you all belly dancing.

ItWasMe, I used to collect and sell Afghani jewelry, I can assure you nothing that you have is in any way perverse, LOL!

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

mixedmedia

/me wishes Sultana could teach me belly dancing...maybe you should make some classes for YouTube!

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce